Another thread made me think about this. How much commonality do you need with a T for the relationship to be workable for you? What is a deal breaker in therapy?

For me, I just ASSUME that men look at pornography. If I were to find out my T looked at porn, it would not disturb me in the slightest. I had a harder time with the fact that he's not a big reader and hasn't read many of the books I have and he doesn't understand literary references I make. Also, he doesn't like cats, and isn't super attached to his family's dog. We actually had to discuss that in order for it not be a deal breaker for me. So for me, porn is fine, not having pets is not.

I find the fact that my T grew up on in thecountry as I did a bonus as I can make farming and country analogies and he understands what I mean. We both like cricket so cricket analogies are also good. But other than that I don't feel we have that much in common as we never talk about books, music or anything else even though I know he reads quite a lot and is heavily into music.
I need to feel some kind of common connection as all relationships are based on some kind of commonality. It is a very unusual relationship where two didn't share at least one kind of experience/interst.

[Yearning0723]

She would need to know who Judith Butler is.

Other than that, it doesn't particularly matter. I guess the big things that would matter are less about her personal life but things that would bleed into her interactions with me, i.e. she would have to be okay with same-sex marriage and the separation of church and state and have a healthy appreciation for higher education. Those things would be dealbreakers for me because marriage is such a fundamental dream of mine, academia is where I feel most at home, and I could not handle a T who talked about God/heaven/hell/sin, etc. But it wouldn't matter whether she likes animals or what kind of books she reads or music she listens to or what she does on the weekends.

[A Red Panda]

My T is similar in age to me, which I think is best for me. I also think that we have a similar sense of humour - the sort that can be a bit insulting towards yourself and others but never meaning any harm. I don't really need to have much in common with him - he seems to try his best and that's enough for me really.

[Favorite Jeans]

I find it really helpful that my T has many of the same values and philosophies about parenting as I do.

[sweepy62]

My loves art and music, so do I, she is an art therapist as well, I love absract art, so we have that in common, and she I young, I like younger therapists. Whatever they do on thier own time, I dont care, as long as I dont know about it.

[grimtopaz]

It was important for me that my therapist be a woman. She is also politically liberal, and as far as I can tell, not very religious. I could not have a social conservative therapist. My T. has not explicitly self-disclosed these things, but she made it rather clear from her reactions to my comments.

My therapist and I both have Ph.D.'s from similar universities. I like that she knows how challenging it is to work on a dissertation, deal with a graduate adviser, publish articles, get funding, etc.

I wanted someone with more life experience than me, but young enough to "get me". She is 9 years older than me.

My T keeps self-disclosure to a minimum, but you can pick up a lot about people from how they react and what their values seem to be.

[Shiny Things]

My T and I have a few similar things in common, mostly about normal things like movies or music styles. Glad we are not clones, though, cuz
that would be boring!

[Lauliza]

I feel the same as you about the pornography point. I know that men think differently and look at each other differently and that's somethingthat would not enter into the therapy room for me unless it was relevant. I think gender is an important thing to consider when choosing a therapist. Female patients with histories of csa or other abuses may feel very betrayed and upset to learn that the sensitive male T they know is, in his private life, just a basic guy (like in the other thread, though that is much worse in scope).

Otherwise, common interests don't really matter that much to me, so long as we "click". And if we do click, it's likely that we probably have somewhat similar values. I don't ask personal questions regarding pets, art, music, etc., unless it comes up. Sometimes I wonder about it, but I don't ever think to in session. There's never enough time.

[BonnieJean]

I needed mine to be a woman, to be a little older than me and quite intelligent. She is all of those.

[nottrustin]

HMMM can't say T and I really have a lot in common other than that we are moms and education for our children very important to us to the point that we have both made financial sacrifices and religion is important to both of us (different religions but I don't care), we have both been in counseling at one point in our life..

that is about it.
...she is 23 years older than me, divorced for many years, has 1 child has a cat (hubby and I are both allergic), she couldn't imagine Christmas without a real Christmas tree when I am highly allergic to them (get very short of breath). she had a good childhood free of any abuse (she always prefaces it with the fact that she has never remembered any but she supposes it is possible), I am a huge reader where as she doesn't have time. I don't believe in living together before marriage (please don't flame me I don't care if other people do just not for me and kids....her son is living with his girlfriend which she is supportive of....NONE of this matters though...before getting married hubby and I didn't have much in common.

[stopdog]

I find it only possible to endure therapy if the therapist is a woman who is older than I am and that the therapist will stay back. Although I am a lesbian, I choose straight therapists.

I don't think I need much commonality with a therapist. I don't really care about their personal views on things as long as they do not try to foist them off on me. It would be nice if the woman was more well read - she would understand what I was talking about more and I would possibly understand her if she could refer to a book. She likes her dog and I am fond enough of my pets. But other than fondness of dog, I doubt we have anything in common and I don't really even need the dog connection from a therapist.

[Mactastic]

My therapist and I are both liberals, Buddhist, and of similar age. If we have other things in common I don't know about it. I'm happy with what we have in common, from what little I know.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[pinkbutterfly]

I HAD to have a female T. No question about that. I've not had good experiences with men in general throughout my life.

I had a T who was close to my age and I really liked her - I think she was about 5 years or so older than me. My current T is close to my mom's age, and I think that's good for me now.

I need a T who is a Christian and will incorporate that into our counseling. That's important to me. However, I am realizing I am not quite as conservative as I thought I was, or that I used to be. So while she needs to be a Christian, she needs to be non-judgmental and be ok with where I am. Which she is...I just always fear the worst.

[CameraObscura]

Hm. In common? I'm not sure, I don't usually know all that much about them. My current T and I are both pretty well read, share a fondness for Big Bend, and beyond that I'm really not sure.

I'd have a problem working around someone very politically conservative or religious if they tried to foist that on me. I need a therapist to be intelligent enough to catch in me my crap, since I am a master of putting myself in double binds and getting stuck and flailing around. I need someone used to working with artists, who understands how we can be a little challenging, but without romanticizing artists (had to fire a T over that one once). I need to be able to laugh with them, so compatible senses of humor are great. They shouldn't mind that I use language that would make a sailor or a priest blush.

I guess as long as they are professional, don't try and shove beliefs on me, and we have that warm click, we don't need to have much in common at all.

[shabur]

I need a woman who is caring and compassionate. That they have pets is a plus. We do share other things in common, but they are not important to our relationship.

[blur]

i usually pick women Ts. i have found it helpful if they have a 12-step background which i know one had and possibly another. if they have the same spirituality as i do that really helps, but my last T didn't and it wasn't a dealbreaker. i don't fit into liberal vs. conservative categories, so i'd rather have someone who isn't extreme on either end and definitely doesn't bring that into the room. if they are a creative person that is definitely a bonus. mostly, i think "fit" is important, unconditional positive regard and their approach.

[BlessedRhiannon]

When I was looking for a new T, I didn't really think about things we might have in common. However, I think that having some things in common is what helped me to click with my T and it's helped me to feel like I can trust her and open up to her. Mostly, it's that my T gets my sense of humor, understands my references, and just seems to understand me in general. That's not something I've had much of before, so it's been very helpful.

The pornography thoughts are really interesting. I'm not sure how I would feel about that. Luckily that is not an aspect in my therapy.

My therapist is a good fit for me. We can both connect on an intellectual level. That is where we started, and on some level both prefer, I think. Where we differ is she is ahead of me on the social/emotional/interconnectedness levels. I'm learning to meet her there. From the little I know about the rest of her life we are very different if not incompatible.

I think the key is how we relate and not so much all of the little personal details.

[RTerroni]

It all depends, I like someone who is close to my age (and female), and maybe have a few things in common with me. Although they can also have many differences as well, I saw a Therapist for 4 years who had completely different political views (although she didn't realize it until close to the end of us meeting together) and that didn't affect Therapy one bit.

[learning1]

For me, it's important that my t have the point of view that women should be treated equally with men.

It's also helpful if the t shares my view that minority rights are important, since working toward those is a stressful part of my job. I generally expect therapists tend to believe these things and I don't grill them on it in a lot of detail. My experience is that most of them do. I had one therapist where it was unclear to me, but he may not have had a very well informed concept about how a majority group's assumptions can make it difficult for minority group's experiences to be respected or believed. I think that therapist may have tended to place expectation for solving problems on individuals alone. He said something implying he may not have had a very good understanding about why people of a minority group experiencing similar problems sometimes have to work together to bring about bigger changes, rather than only following established norms when the norms are biased against the group.

The therapist's religion hasn't been important to me. I believe my recent therapists have been religious because one had a religious decoration at Christmas and one loaned me an agnostic-ish book that had something to do with religion, though it didn't promote religion. I can't remember exactly what led me to think the therapist was religious, but it was a conversation about the book. I liked the book. I'm an atheist. If the therapist suggested there's an afterlife or said things that assumed I believed in religious concepts, that would be a problem. I've never run into that with a therapist. Some of the things people post on here that their therapists say about religion would be a problem for me though.

[feralkittymom]

I never looked for commonality of interests when I chose my T. I wanted intelligence, extensive training, stability, and to feel a sense of respect, safety, and the capability of trust. And I preferred a man.

As we continued to work together, I found a general compatibility of values; but as long as there was mutual respect possible, minor differences in values weren't so important.

We share almost no interests. Even now, when we are not connected by therapy and almost never talk about anything psych-related, the mutual respect and affection is enough to sustain the connection. Very different, I think, than the usual way friendship alliances are formed.

I prefer a male T because I can't really open up to a female. I couldn't work with a T who was not a feminist (in the sense that all people are equal, and biological or social gender should never be grounds for how somebody is treated). I also need him to be free of prejudice regarding matters of sexuality.

It's important for me to have a T with some knowledge of how the academic world works. My previous T had none, and she could not understand my work related problems at all.

Other than that, I appreciate that our tastes in music are similar because we often use images from music, but it's not a deal breaker. If he has any kind of religious faith, it hasn't shown, but it's not important to me either way as long as he doesn't try to foist his view off on me. We discussed politics recently and although I don't know which party - if any - he votes for, we seem to be fairly close in our viewpoints. But again that doesn't matter as long as he is not a member of one of the far-right nationalist parties, which he definitely is not.

While I may have been just thrown unto my therapists lap due to the circumstances, I find that in order for me to open up I need someone who won't be shocked or disgusted by the 'bad' parts of my character. I need someone who won't get offended if I admit my disdain for certain groups, behaviors, cultures, or people's, no matter how 'bigoted', 'intolerant', or 'cruel' those views may seem. I also require that my therapist be female as i simply cannot pour my heart out to another man.

Equally so, I need someone of my race or close to it (I'm white/Hispanic), and people of other races prevent me from relating. I have yet to see if my therapist is skilled enough to handle a person like myself, but I hope for the best.

xT and I were about the same age...shared similar movie references and music and culture...etc... That was nice but the only reason I know all of that is because xT talked about himself too much...so while he would be a good friend he wasnt such a good T..

T2 was a few years older and was also a wife and mother...that is all I knew about her

YT... Is 18 years younger than me and male and i would assume we had little in common and he has been the best T....

So for me its not that important...except to say all 3 of my Ts did share my religious beliefs.