[CantExplain]

This is a big issue for me - the biggest - so please be gentle.

My idea is to send her a card saying simply, "It would mean a lot to me to know how you feel."

She might not respond. That is the most likely outcome. But if so, all it's cost me is a stamp. And it might help me to let go.

She could say, "Come in a talk about it." This is the next most likely response. And in that case I would go and see her at least once. I don't know what I'd say, but that's a problem for another day.

Finally, she might give me some kind of reply. And that would mean a lot to me.

[Wren_]

hi cantexplain ... I know this is really important for you; I'm just concerned about how you will feel if you don't hear back, and in thinking about the report she wrote for you when you wanted something from her

have you talked about this with mr t. ?

I really wish she would let you know in a gentle, kind and reassuring manner

[stopdog]

I wish you well in your endeavor.

[growlycat]

Just be prepared if she doesn't answer. I agree that talking to Mr T about it first might help clarify what you want out of this.

I do feel your pain on this though. I've had past T's that I have missed completely cut contact with me and it hurts. I total understand the impulse but maybe your efforts are better spent moving forward. ((hugs!!)))

[Syra]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

This is a big issue for me - the biggest - so please be gentle.

My idea is to send her a card saying simply, "It would mean a lot to me to know how you feel."

She might not respond. That is the most likely outcome. But if so, all it's cost me is a stamp. And it might help me to let go.

She could say, "Come in a talk about it." This is the next most likely response. And in that case I would go and see her at least once. I don't know what I'd say, but that's a problem for another day.

Finally, she might give me some kind of reply. And that would mean a lot to me.

Hmmm. I thnk that's an interesting idea. I think people suggest good things to think about, that may make me decide against it. But I'm not so sure. The idea intrigues me.

[unaluna]

I didnt get perspective on my old ts until at least a few years later.

[BonnieJean]

CE - how do you think she feels? Sometimes that is equally important.

Your question seems a bit broad to me. About what in particular are you seeking her feelings? Narrowed down it might be easier for her to answer.

[SkinnySoul]

I'd say do it, but keep in mind that the majority of Ts will talk about anything but their feelings. Strange, huh?

[tinyrabbit]

I'm going to be completely honest here: I fear you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I think it would be a good idea to work through whatever possible outcomes you imagine and how you think you would feel (including responses and non-responses).

I also think you need to ask more focused questions. I don't mean to rain on your parade, I'm just concerned.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SkinnySoul

I'd say do it, but keep in mind that the majority of Ts will talk about anything but their feelings. Strange, huh?

Yeah, it's like they think they're entitled to their privacy or something!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( CE ))))

I love how you asked for people to be gentle, asking for what you need.

About your idea, my hope is that you can discuss this with your current T so that you can get a full idea of how you will feel with each possible response scenario. I'd also wonder if it would be useful for you to elaborate more with Madame T, letting her know more of what you're feeling and needing from her.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

This is a big issue for me - the biggest - so please be gentle.

My idea is to send her a card saying simply, "It would mean a lot to me to know how you feel."

She might not respond. That is the most likely outcome. But if so, all it's cost me is a stamp. And it might help me to let go.

She could say, "Come in a talk about it." This is the next most likely response. And in that case I would go and see her at least once. I don't know what I'd say, but that's a problem for another day.

Finally, she might give me some kind of reply. And that would mean a lot to me.

You often remind me of myself and my wants/needs/wishes about the T-relationship. We set ourelves up for disappointment, while hoping that our wants/needs/wishes from our T will get satisfied. So I understand why you want to do this.

I know I missed some of your threads, so I'm not sure what you are asking Madame T. Do you want her to tell you how she feels about you since you left therapy with her? I assume that's it. What would you like her to say? Something about how she's missed you and she's hoping you're doing well? That's what I would want to hear. I don't think most Ts would tell you that they missed you, though. She would probably say something about hoping you're doing well. Would that satisfy you or make you want more from her?

I'm asking you because that's how I would think about it. I don't know if it's just the stamp you're risking. I think you're risking disappointment and hurt, and I don't want to see you in that place. I think if you want to discuss Madame T's feelings about you, the best thing to do would be to make an appointment with her. But first I would discuss the whole scenario with Mr. T, who could give you some insights.

I hope I'm being gentle even though I'm being honest. I don't think sending the card and not getting a response will help you let go. I think it will intensify your feelings about her. I can picture myself doing it and waiting and waiting for a response that never comes, or getting a brief response, and thinking "she doesn't really care, and never did".

It is very hard leaving a T you have feelings for, and going on to someone else. When I left my first T, and it was MY choice, I spent months talking about her with my new T. There was a lot to resolve, and 2 years later, I returned to my first T for a few sessions to get some closure about that therapy.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well, CE.

[WikidPissah]

(((CE))) I really hope she gives you the closure you need. Maybe instead of asking how she feels, be more direct and ask things like: Do you care about me? or Do you miss me? or Do you want the best for me? This way you can pinpoint exactly what you need to hear, instead of leaving room for her to say things that would be unhelpful.

Just a thought...but my ideas aren't usually the best.

I have no good advice on this, CE, but I wanted to chime in with general support. To me, Madame T seems rather too unpredictable, and not sufficiently in tune with you, so maybe she would not understand how important this is to you - but maybe she would, I genuinely don't know, I'm just guessing. Discussing it with Mr T does sound like a good idea.
(((CE)))

[Raging Quiet]

CE: I hope it has the best outcome it can.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

But if so, all it's cost me is a stamp. And it might help me to let go.

I fear that it might cost you a lot more than just a stamp. How long do you hold out hope for her to respond? The waiting is the hardest part and this has the potential to cause you to wait forever.

I truly hope you get the outcome you're hoping to get. Are you fully prepared not to?

[wotchermuggle]

I just wanted to agree with what several others have said, in that I'd suggest you be prepared for whatever response you get and discuss with your current T about what you're looking for from her and whether it's realistic or hurtful to have those expectations.

CE Im on the train of thought that thinks this will cost you more then a stamp. What outcome if any would you find ideal?

[Jungatheart]

Hi,

I think it sounds like it might be worth the risk to your heart. If no reply, than you certainly have confirmation of her character, though painful. Maybe include some kind of timeline so that you are not waiting for a long time thinking she will reply when she might not. The waiting, the not knowing after you put yourself out there, is awful.
Best of luck.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

Hi,

I think it sounds like it might be worth the risk to your heart. If no reply, than you certainly have confirmation of her character, though painful. Maybe include some kind of timeline so that you are not waiting for a long time thinking she will reply when she might not. The waiting, the not knowing after you put yourself out there, is awful.
Best of luck.

I agree. I recognize that this may not work out, but it also feels like no response would be some tangible information that would be helpful. I'd be doing it for information, not for comfort or rescuing or reconciliation.
I'll have to think about it some more, and balance the risks & benefits.

[CantExplain]

Just so you know: I never sent that card.

[melania]

Try! You have nothing to lose.

[RTerroni]

I feel like maybe it is time for you just to let go, but do what you feel is best.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by melania

Try! You have nothing to lose.

In fact, it costs me quite a lot, as others have pointed out. I'd be setting myself up for disappointment, and she hasn't responded to my Rose Drawing letter yet.

What kind of relationship is it where I write to her and she never responds?

I believe I am entitled to deduce that she has lost interest.

[stopdog]

I think there are some of them who don't respond because they think it against whatever they are defining as their code of ethics at the moment. I have read books where the therapist author makes reference to past clients who still write or try to contact them. Usually the therapist is not especially kind about how they write about it in the abstract from my readings.