Paternal vs. erotic transference

Sometimes I question just what the nature of my transference is.

I am really, really physically attracted to my T. He knows this (but maybe not how bad it is lol) and we've talked in bits and pieces about it. But my fantasies about him are really benign, mostly that I want him to hold me (fully clothed) or for him to sit close enough that we'd be touching. My most comforting fantasy involves just laying together, being calm and quiet, and I imagine the sound of his heart...God, so embarrassing to type, but there you have it, Mac's number one dream

It gets me wondering if I have paternal transference (not erotic, like I first thought) going on. For the record, I have ZERO physical attraction to my father and we have a healthy, open relationship...so I'm not sure why I wonder if my transference is paternal. It's even more bizarre when you consider my T's age. We are the same age (well, he's a year younger) so it's not like my T is my father's age. I have fond memories of being a very small child and crawling into bed with my dad after my mom went to work or whatever. I have good relationships with both of my parents but I do have pleasant memories about time with my dad.

I dunno....am I making a shred of sense here?

Yup, I think the whole attraction thing has parental figures playing out in it anyway right? So it would make total sense to have a paternal kind of erotic transference with perhaps a hint of one or the other, it sounds quite logical to me but I'm sure you'll get more inspired answers than that.

Hello Mactastic-

If I may ask, how does your therapist interact with you? I mean, does he give any information about himself at all? Does he respond in a warm and friendly manner or is he more closed off and distant? How does he act with you? I think that it's important to look at what drives us, in any situation-therapy or no. I think it's especially important if we feel that something unhealthy or something that is causing us pain is happening, to try to understand our inner processes. But there are two people in therapy. I wonder if there is something that he is doing that triggers feelings in you? I'm not saying that, if true, that it has to mean the therapist is doing something deliberate or unprofessional or something that he is aware of but it's very possible that you are responding naturally to something that he is exuding. Maybe you are responding to positive and warm qualities in your therapist, which would be understandable. Just wondering. I hope I'm not being intrusive with these questions, they're just thoughts that came to mind as I read your post.

Parental transference often gets redirected into erotic transference as you get older, especially since the T is close to your age. This doesn't sound erotic at all, it sounds comforting and like you want someone to protect and nurture you.

Sometimes, transference can be redirected from the opposite parent, so this could even be coming from relationship problems from your mother. Or it is just a repeat of the relationship you have with your father, intensified since this is therapy.

Man, I could have written this post! As much as I am attracted to my therapist, most of my fantasies are indeed just us laying together on a couch, my head in his lap, him stroking my hair. Or holding my hand while we are driving on a trip. Or even attending a carnival and going on the ferris wheel, just gazing at each other. The list is endless (and kinda weird, let's be real).

Don't get me wrong, I really really really want to have sex with him. But it's more than that. My only thing is that my T IS older than my father, by two years. So there is that issue. But I don't have any attraction to my father. Though we relate similarly (myself and my father, vs. myself and my therapist).

I dunno. I find myself relating to a lot of the stuff you write/post, Mactastic!

My T is Humanistic so he's quite friendly with me. He's not loaded with self-disclosures but he's not a blank slate, either. He is always positive, encouraging, understanding and compassionate. There's nothing I can't tell him that makes him judge me or make me feel sorry for myself. Even when I think he'll respond poorly he doesn't

I'm in therapy to fix relationships, to make them deeper and stronger. I have no history of self-injury, abuse, or anything like that. I suppose it's only natural to have intense feelings of endearment towards the one and only person in my life that I've truly attempted to let inside my walls. It's terribly scary and yet a beautiful thing at the same time.

....it just so happens he's my age and hot as heck

Even though my T is super-attractive I have no desire to sleep with him. I did, but these feelings were replaced with more "emotional" cravings, that I just want to be held (and like you, have him stroke my hair.)

My T knows everything about my attraction but nothing about my wondering if it's paternal transference, and we've talked about my attraction some. I really, really want to have one whole session where we talk about my feelings so I can get it all out but it feels like that's inappropriate

My big fantasy about my therapist is to just have a "normal" conversation with her, maybe over lunch or something like that.

That doesn't change the fact that she is ABSOLUTELY the most beautiful woman God ever created

So I get how things can be confusing.

I think maybe it shows we have a deep respect for our therapists? At least that's how I feel.

I think my transference is more parental. I don't want to have sex or anything like that with my T - in fact, it makes me terrified to think of such a thing. But I do have odd feelings of wanting him to comfort me physically. I want to rest my head on his shoulder. IRL, I can't even get a coherent sentence out half the time (well I'm exaggerating there, but it feels like that with all my stops and starts!). I think I need to share this stuff with my T but I'm too scared. How did you start that conversation about the positive parts of your transference?

Yes-it is only natural that you would feel as you do. I think it makes a lot of sense that you would fantasize about ways of being intimate (not necessarily sexual intimacy) that are not only talking, as they are in therapy. Therapy has that limitation but that doesn't stop the feelings and emotions. If you have such a deep connection with your therapist it makes sense that you would imagine or fantasize about other intimate scenarios. And, just because one of the things you fantasize about doesn't have a sexual component doesn't necessarily translate to a parental transference. You find him attractive, he's positive, encouraging, understanding and compassionate. He doesn't judge you and you feel that you can truly open up with him. You stated that he is the only person that you have truly attempted to let inside your walls. To me it makes perfect sense that you would feel powerful feelings for him.

I think that unless your feelings are causing you pain or angst you might just think of it as understandable.