Can a T "solve" attachment issues?

How does a T actually work on solving or having clients work through attachment issues? We talk about attachment a lot on this forum, and I know there are different attachment styles, but what does that mean in your therapy? Is it more than having a "secure" attachment with your T or is having that attachment supposed to "solve" it?

My first T told me that we were going to attach, and then separate very slowly. That didn't happen because I stopped seeing her abruptly instead of slowly. It's only with my current T that I see a possibility of that slow separation happening.

What is very interesting to me is that I did not feel the need to email my T yet, and I saw her a week ago on Tuesday! I am not trying to control my urge to email; the urge is simply not there. This has got to be because she let me hold her hand again. The secure, attached feeling stayed with me and I can't find anything else to attribute it to. So, perhaps touch is a way, at least for me, to "solve" my attachment issues. But what other ways are there? Is this a case of "trust the process"? I'm the one who persisted in telling my T that holding her hand did something for me, gave me a sense of safety and comfort that I've rarely felt. I know she wants me to feel safe and secure with her, but is that the way to solve attachment issues?

I don't want to debate touch in therapy. We've had excellent threads about that subject. I'm more interested in the question in my title: Can a T solve attachment issues? If so, how?

Hmm...Bolby (the guy who invented attachment theory) said that the way to solve attachment problems was by having an "earned secure attachment". This supposedly taught you how to attach. Google can probably tell you more of how that is supposed to work.

I am a firm believer that we solve our own issues. I think a T may be able to give us some guidance about how to do that, but we have to be willing to make the changes and do the hard emotional work ourselves. In your case, Rainbow, no matter what your T did or did not do, the changes had to come from you. I saw you work hard to get a grip on yourself and make the changes and try the things your T suggested. That was YOU and your hard work, not your T. But, that's just my opinion obviously.

Thank you. I need to do some more reading on attachment theory. I know I have a secure attachment with my T, but there must be more to do....or maybe not!

I appreciate your compliment very much! I can't see the changes in myself too well so it means a lot for others to tell me. I know I'm trying and have made some progress, but the attachment to my T is still strong. I know that we solve our own issues, but how can a T help us solve the attachment issues other than "being there for us?" Can a T help us to not need to attach to them anymore? That's been my goal in therapy. The attachment need comes from infancy. I just don't "get" how it can be solved, yet my gut feeling is that I'm getting better, even without holding T's hand. Is it the "holding", even if it's emotional, that does it?

Maybe this is a case of just "trusting the process" and it's finally working for me? It just seems like working with attachment issues is like working in the dark. Does any T know exactly what to do to help? Does what I'm asking make sense at all? I feel like I'm floundering about, trying to "figure it out" but is there an answer? Maybe not.

I think some therapists think therapy (and by extension themselves - really some of them have enormous egos) can resolve attachment issues. I read the Muller book on trauma on the avoidant client and the Wallin book Attachment in Psychotherapy = and thought they both were were giant condescending ***.

So what DOES resolve attachment issues

I think that when someone has never had a reliable attachment in their lives or a consistent one, when they go to therapy and their t recognises they need a secure and safe attachment through the therapeutic relationship it can be healing. It can help by showing that through a secure attachment with your t your old abandonment issues or mistrust can be healed as you experience a whole new relationship where it is ok to be however you want to be without fear of judgement or shaming or abandonment- providing you have the right t of course

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My last Therapist couldn't solve any attachment issues there might have been (not that I think there were any).

No, a T can't solve our problems, be it attachment issues or whatnot. No one else can. The change has to come from us. I think it is also a mistake to expect Ts (or again, anyone else) to solve our problems for us, they simply can't do that. It's having expectations that are not realistic & magical thinking that just won't happen. Btw, I am not saying this is your case, just musing in general here.

A T is simply a tool or a crutch you - temporarily - take along on your journey, but the 'real' work and source of change ought to come from a client.

I think if both parties keep working at creating a different type of connection than what has been experienced in the past, then the client's attachment patterns can change. It doesn't mean the T alone can "fix" it, but their committed participation makes a big difference.

Maybe it depends on how you'd define "attachment issues".

Problems relating with people, in my opinion, are partially resolved through the relationship with the T. I think it has to be experienced as opposed to learned in the rational problem-solving sense.

Thanks, stopdog. I've seen a youtube with Wallin but never read his book.

I've read/heard that the secure attachment between T and client helps, but I'm wondering if that's enough, so I don't know the answer to your question!

Thank you, mona. I've read that too, but wondered if that's all it takes, and if that always works. I wish T's had some other ideas up their sleeves!

Thank you.

I don't think I worded my question correctly. I know that Ts work with us, and they don't solve our problems for us. They do use various techniques and method to help us, though. When attachment difficulties stem from infancy, how can the T help us work through them? My T has stressed self-soothing, building up my Self, and mindfulness, but I don't see how those things directly affect attachment issues. I think it's more subtle.

I think that must be it. Then the connection between T and client is what helps the most.

Yes. I "feel" a difference inside of me, but my brain has a hard time not wanting to "figure it out" and find rational reasons and ways to resolve attachment problems!

Yes. I "feel" a difference inside of me, but my brain has a hard time not wanting to "figure it out" and find rational reasons and ways to resolve attachment problems!

I think this is key. While you can certainly learn about attachment theory and technique, and that may be helpful, I don't believe it is where the attachment injury is healed.

And while "hard work" is necessary, I see the work as largely being a willingness to sit with and express uncomfortable feelings, act in contrast to our feelings at times, and be willing to adopt new behaviors. But the work only makes the healing visible and, over time, more automatic and less of an effort.

The healing, I believe, is created within and the result of an unconscious developmental process which simply cannot be forced, regardless of how much conscious control or effort one expends. That unconscious developmental process is engaged through relationship with a competent T, but the healing is not in the relationship, per se--which is why the internal changes live beyond the T relationship.

This is a very good question!
I struggled with exactly this question for a long time. I have learned, that the conventional therapy approaches usually are quite unsuccessful with attachment issues/disorders. Because attachment problems - and that could be a variety of problems from feeling too attached to completely detest any form of attachment and everything in between - are not something we learn to manage naturally while we grow up. We need to have felt attachment, lived it, experienced it in different intensities etc. to be able to have a healthy view and attitude about it.

I believe a therapist can not "cure" attachment issues but I believe he is able to help us "re-wire" our brains and, to some extend, our soul.

My therapist has talked about her approach of what she calls "non-negotiable closeness". That means that a client needs to be close to the therapist and vice versa to be able to get help and learn to accept help, empathy, love and closeness but also that when a client has positive things happening, to be close in that too so it doesn't only stress the "I am here when you're suffering" but in a very big way "I am here when you're happy too"
She says that if a client can rely on the closeness it is substituted for the client's experience of being punished for wanting something, or neglected when wanting something and so on, it can build a new self-awareness that can ultimately heal the attachment issues. Her view is that the relationship with a client who has attachment issues should not be one that simply provides what the clients needs and create an illusion that is supposed to heal - but that the relationship needs to be real and for both parts "non-negotiable".
I think that her approach definitely worked for me and my attachment to her has definitely cured a lot of my attachment issues. I text her sometimes with something positive that happened and her response is just as fast as when I text her in a crisis. The "clingy" me is gone and replaced by a content me and the 'scared of attachment' me is replaced by a courageous me who allows herself to be attached to people and not feel guilty. Has my therapist healed me? No. Her non-negotiable closeness has.

Let me just share, that as someone with a fearful attachment style, I will always hate my parents for my inability to feel loved, my deep self hatred and insecurity, my decades of depression and isolation, the fact that statistics show I will be an abusive ****** parent, that the second I get close to anyone I experience terror, all the love I've lost, my cold heart, and everyone who has to put up with me.

I've read that after childhood 80% of people will never experience a change in their attachment style. That means something like 20% will. I'm going to be one of those people. I'm going to love the **** out of my kids; I'm never going to abuse, humiliate, or terrify them. I will be nice to everyone despite my hateful heart. Their rein of incompetent horror is over, I'm in control now. I'm not sure if my attachment style will change, but if it doesn't I will change despite it.

These are goals you CAN reach! Good for you for putting in the effort!

And only about 30% of abused children turn around and abuse their own children. So that's definitely not a guarantee.

Notice you are asking about attachment issues and solving them, not about solving attachment itself? Being attached is not an issue, we're all attached in various ways to those we meet, know, love. But we can have had trauma's in our attachment, just like we can have anxiety issues, or anger issues, etc. I think of issues not as a problem to be "solved" but as a lack of education/good role modelling, etc. If our parents forgot to attend the class on child rearing (being on a night when it was inconvenient for them :-) or we decided we did not want to work that hard/ask questions about what the heck was going on and get a better explanation, thinking we already understood/knew-it-all (like a good teenager does), then there's a good possibility that we have "issues" of some sort? That pretty much covers 99% of people?

No one has to have therapy; I see it as one way to get a "different" sometimes faster education than the one we had growing up. But just continuing to live gives us that once we move away from our family-of-origin? I saw my T for 9 years, did not see her for 9 and saw her again for another 9. That middle 9 years of living is what made the most difference in therapy for me between the first set and the second. Not only did I grow and mature but, to my great surprise, so did my therapist

That's what I'm starting to believe too. My T is acting in a way that puts something inside of me that was missing, and that can carry over to my life outside of therapy. Years ago my first T told me the same thing, but I didn't understand it then! My T being there for me, and letting me get close to her, emotionally and physically, is changing me, is healing me. It's actually happening and I didn't even know it because it's been a slow process.

Amelia, I LOVE what you wrote here. I think my T is doing that--helping me to rewire my brain and maybe my soul too! I agree about the "non-negotiable" approach. My T loves when I tell her the good things I'm doing, and she likes to see photos of my family. She likes when I bring in my artwork and we talk about it. I realize that's part of the therapy for me, but it doesn't seem artificial because she's an artist too. She always tells me that we DO have a real relationship, though it's limited and unique. She cares about me in and out of the session. She encourages me to be close to her. I'm glad you have a T like that too! My past Ts wouldn't let me get so close because they said it wasn't good because I have BPD, but I never felt the change inside of me like I do with this T. Thank you for explaining it in a way that makes sense to me.

I believe you WILL do it! You're determined not to let your past dictate your present and future. That's great!! I admire you for your strength.

Thank you!

Thank you for sharing. Yes, the way you put it most of humanity does have issues!! We don't need therapy to change and overcome all of our issues, but it's nice when it helps.