[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Hey

So after really busy days etc I usually have like a 'crash' day - i feel so down and useless and can't do work and I concentrate on the past and ugh I just feel horrible - I just want to go back to the abusive past - it's comfortable there. I can't cry and I just really want to - i really think it would help but i dunno - overwhelmed.

I sent T an e-mail last week which has petrified me. I did say "no need to reply" - but she didn't reply and its scaring me because I said a few truthful but 'bad things'. Below is a few quotes of what i said - thoughts please?

"I really don’t want to send this e-mail but I think I need to. Every time I tell you something i'm not sure why but its feels like a huge risk. But to be honest what do i have to loose and I know you'll be fine with it. So as much as it scares and worries me, since the beginning I have just been plain honest as i can with you and myself because i know that’s the only way i’m going to progress and sort my head out and its worked so far".

"I even used to SI ( i need to say that because i need to be open but its no longer a issue just thoughts now and then, so we don’t need to talk about it)."

"Sometimes it feels like what started as me starting therapy to get rid of the memories, move on and live normally has turned into what i didn't want to happen... which is on top of working on ‘getting better’ i’m trying to get you to like me and be there for me, test you and i guess.. subconsciously get you to be my mum".

"I mentioned about the fact that I had become ‘scared of needing you’ or getting into the same cycle like with my teacher. So what’s new?... Well since leaving school I have actually been constantly fighting between four me’s not two...The first three you have met:
Me1: Happy confident
Me2: AnxiousVulnerable
Me3: Want to ‘get better’ – rid of the memories and move forward .
But there is also a Me4 who purposefully wants to run away, not eat or not turn up, or turn up drunk to appointments, or ..Revert back to old bad habits. But this time there are no incidents for me to blame it on.. .so where you said in the past my reactions were perhaps an ‘effective survival strategy’ – i totally agree, but what am I trying to ‘survive’ from now! – why do I have this impulse. I really don’t want Me4 and I have be fighting it ever since transference I guess showed up. Actually i’ve probably been fighting me4 since i left school."

Oh gosh why did i send this e-mail!!

Big hugs.

I think your email was brave and raw.

I too have sent impulsive emails like this to T, who never responds back unless I ask a specific question. I used to panic about the lack of response, but have learned that if I want support, I have to explicitly ask for it.

Therapy stirs the pot, and I'm sure they get heaps of emails just like this.

[AmysJourney]

Hi :-)

Alright, I am not a therapist.. but what I read here loud and clear in this email is this (and please forgive me me if some of this might be blunt or misinterpreted):

I want you to like me!
I want you to care about me!
I want you to tell me that I can tell you anything and you will still like me!
I want you to tell me that I can send you this email and not be afraid!
I want to run away, return to bad habits - so that you can tell me not to do that!
I told you about SI because I want to be open but also because I want you to be concerned about me!

So all in all, I didn't see you saying any "bad" things, you just felt you needed to reach out for comfort, encouragement, love and support. And in my opinion you brought exactly that across.
You felt down, you felt vulnerable and you needed something to "hang on to".
And let's be honest - whenever we write something like "No need to reply" we actually do want a reply. To say it doesn't need a reply is usually this subconscious or conscious feeling of not wanting to burden the therapist, not make ourselves look needy or to keep some kind of control over the situation. But deep down of course we would LOVE a reply that validates our feelings, comforts us and makes us feel cared for.
My therapist once said to me: "If you tell me not to reply, I won't. Not because I really don't want to, but because it is something we need to work out here in this room. The feelings that come up when I don't reply are revealing to me and to you and perhaps we can find the trust and comfort together so you won't feel you are inconveniencing me." Now I never ask her to not reply, I just write what I want and when I want...

So don't beat yourself up, I am sure your therapist knows where this email came from and what you were going through. Our therapists know us better than we sometimes think and it might scare us sometimes, but most of the time I find it comforting.

Oh, and just one more thing.. the transference stuff is not something you anticipated perhaps but it's in our stories how vulnerable we are are to this. You wanting her to be your mom is normal, it roots in your story and it's not something that developed just because you started therapy, it could have developed with people other than a therapist. So you went and this came out and it's fine.. It's part of your healing and it compliments your desire of wanting to get better and rid of memories etc. and not "adds" an additional problem to your original one.
I hope that makes sense.

All my love to you,
Amelia

[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Thanks for your support Clementine

Amelia: Thanks for your detailed support. I think you are spot on - I totally agree - I do want those things, but I almost feel i need them too! Damn, I hate transference, from what you/everyone says it was almost inevitable, i guess x