A Story... For Paynful...

As quite a few PC'ers know in addition to major depression, anxiety, OCD type behaviors, self-harm, & suicidality, I also have struggled all of my life with Gender Identity Disorder (GID). I'm male. But somehow I always felt as though I should have been / wanted to be female. I never did anything about this, however. I just kept it a closely guarded secret for the first... well... that's what this story is about.

I was around 50 years old or so when I first sought mental health services. In the interest of brevity, I won't go into how this came about. I was insured by a Health Maintenance Organization (HMO) which had it's own doctors, clinics, etc. So I went to one of my HMO's "Behavioral Health Clinics". I was seen by a nurse practitioner & she got me started on some psych med's. This was fine. However, I also very much wanted to see a therapist. Well, the HMO very much didn't want me to do so. I don't know why because they had their own therapists right there on staff. But that's the way it was.

Well, I agitated & agitated & finally they relented. So an appointment was scheduled. (Keep in mind that I had been hiding my GID, along with my depression & anxiety, my whole life. My insides were like a pressure cooker by this time.) As I waited for the date of my 1st therapy app't, I decided that, for the 1st time, I would come out as "transgendered". At that time, though, I was not familiar with the terms GID or transgender, transsexual, etc. All I knew how to say was: "I feel like I should have been a girl"... a fifty+ year old man saying he wants to be a girl? Completely ridiculous!!! I knew if I got to the appointment without having already shared this shocking bit of information, I'd just chicken out &, once again, keep it to myself.

So I decided to write a letter to the therapist and mail it to him so he'd know what was coming before I got there, which I did. When I got to my 1st appointment & was seated in his office, he asked me how he could help (or something like that.) I mentioned the letter. He looked puzzled. He then dug into the file drawer in his desk & out came my letter, still sealed in it's envelop. He opened it & read it as I sat there squirming. I think I probably had a quirky smile pasted across my face. When he finished reading my letter, he looked up & said, "oh, I just recently heard about this..." I knew I was in trouble! The rest of the appointment went downhill from there.

I continued to see him for a few more pointless sessions. However, it became clear that he wasn't going to do anything for me, although he never actually said so. So, after a while, I told him that I felt there were probably others who could make better use of his time. So I would stop coming in. He said he hated to see our sessions end this way. But he didn't offer any other suggestions & he didn't make any effort to refer me to anyone else.

As we were walking out into the lobby of the clinic, he turned to me & with a jocular smile asked: "So, would you rather be a man or a woman?" I was dumbstruck. I think I muttered something like: "I wouldn't care which. I just want to stop feeling like both..." (In retrospect, I think this wasn't a bad spur-of-the-moment answer. Were I to give it again, though, I think I would add: "and neither..."

So that was my first experience with "coming out" to someone... anyone... as trans. After that, I closed the closet door again for another 10 years or so. A few months after that experience, I made my first serious suicide attempt. But I still kept my trans-ness to myself. It wasn't until my 2nd, & most serious suicide attempt about 2 years ago, that I finally divulged my secret again. And I'm not so sure I'm glad I did. Now, my pdoc & my wife both know. I had another therapist who knew. (I quit her too a few months back.) No one else knows. Nothing in my life has changed. So now I just feel exposed & foolish. And nothing is any different than it ever was.

Oh dear God, I want to backhand these fools they consider to be Doctors!! I know violence doesn't solve anything... but some people truly seem to be begging for it. How can they assume a role as a healer and be so unfeeling and obtuse?!

Sorry for the rant. I'm just so mad for you ...and for me.

But it because of people like YOU that renew my faith in humanity. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are willing to share this traumatic story. Thank you!!

I have been crying for what seems like forever. But today, right now, I am crying tears of gratitude. I am so very thankful for you. Of course, I wish you never had to go through all of your pain and suffering ...and moronic doctors.

However, I am grateful to hear your story, relate to your experience and know that I am not alone. You survived (while not always willingly, but relentlessly) these happenings, and gave of yourself when you didn't need to. Thank you for your courage and sharing. You are very brave and generous.

Hello The Skeezyks-

I am deeply moved by your post. You titled the thread For Paynful-so I hope it's okay that I reply. I just wanted to thank you for sharing this with us. I hope that you have found the support that you so deserve and if you sought the help of a mental health professional again-although I wouldn't blame you if you didn't-that you were met with someone who had some idea about what they were doing. I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for your kind words, Paynful...

Thanks so much for reading my post, CrimsonBlues! You are, of course, most welcome. I very much appreciate your kind words...

Have you talked about this recently with a T? I'm in California, and over here, it's pretty well accepted. I don't know if it's the same in Minnesota, but it's worth looking into.

Thank you for giving the gift of sharing your story.

Hello Hazelgirl: Thanks for reading my post! I no longer have a therapist. I quit the last one I had a few months back. I liked her very much but our sessions just weren't going anywhere. I couldn't justify the cost. I've had other therapists prior to her as well. They ranged from useless to terrible! So, at this point, I've pretty much given up on the idea.

It is such a shame when we try to get help from so-called 'professionals' and they only show how incompetent and/or unprofessional they are. Shocking esp as we'd expect therapists to show some understanding. But no, anything that seems different from the norm is still being judged et al. by some. Unbelievable...

I feel for you The Skeezyks... I don't know what to say but hope you at least feel a bit better (at peace?) within yourself and at least have the support and/or understanding from your wife.

Thank you so much for reading my post... & for your kind words, Rive.