[tametc]

This is a long post, but I feel like I just need to get it out. It's OK if you don't read it.

I am starting to experience my T's support and caring more than ever. I had a horrible experience last night. My neighbors are a young couple--she is 23 and he is 28 (the same age as my son). She has 2 young sons. They have lived together for about 5 years. We have gotten along well, and they have been helpful when I've been ill. The guy has helped me with things like replacing the taillight on my car, and a few minor household things. He is leaving Sunday to do some temporary work in California for a few weeks, so said he'd like to hook up the newer used computer I've had sitting here since Christmas.

**************POTENTIAL TRIGGER FOR CSA******************

Anyway, he came over yesterday evening, and starting working on it and figuring out how to transfer files, etc. She was at work. I didn't realize that he was going back and forth between my computer and the kitchen, drinking a large amount of whiskey over the course of a few hours. He made a few sexually suggestive remarks, and at first I told him it was TMI, and not to talk to me about those things. I also reminded him I was old enough to be his mother, and he should show respect toward me.

Well, he continued to make comments, even going so far at one point as to offer me money to perform a sexual act that his girlfriend dislikes. I told him he needed to leave, and if he didn't, I'd call the police. He was drunk by then, and tried to cajole me into not taking it so seriously. I kept telling him to leave, and when he didn't, I got triggered into becoming that little girl who was abused. I froze, like a deer in the headlights, and I got quiet, and felt like I was trapped. I found myself trying to appease him, at the same time trying to get rid of him. He finally left around 3 this morning. I was exhausted physically and emotionally, plus I've been recovering from some kind of virus. I think all of that made me more vulnerable, along with the fact that I had to deal with my ex-H on the phone with the judge yesterday morning.

Although he didn't touch me, I still feel like he violated me with his words. When I got up today, I was trying to sort through my feelings and reactions, and I decided to tell his girlfriend. I realized that I'm not that helpless little girl anymore, and I didn't need to keep his shameful secret. She didn't seem too surprised when I told her, and I feel as though she and I are still on good terms. (That in itself is healing, because when I was a child my mother knew about what my stepdad was doing, yet never said anything, and blamed me for "seducing" him.) I told her that I could finish up the rest of the stuff on the computer myself, and that I didn't want him in my apartment at all. She understood, and we actually hugged a couple of times.

After I talked to her, I called and left an urgent message for my T, asking her to call me. Then I called a friend of mine, and I was on the phone with her when the neighbor guy knocked on my door. She stayed on the phone with me. I didn't open the door. He apologized, and I told him I accepted his apology. I said I was willing to chalk it up to his being drunk, but that I didn't want to talk to him and that it had badly affected me. He said he had trouble when he drank, and that he doesn't realize how much he is consuming when he drinks, and again said he was sorry. I said that I didn't want to talk to him any more, and that I had to go, as I was upset, plus I was on the phone with someone. Then he said, "What did I do?" I said I wasn't going to talk to him, and I walked away from the door and into another room. I talked to my friend a while longer, and then waited for my T to call.

She did call me, and I told her what happened, and let myself cry. I was already proud of myself for having dealt with it the way I did today, and she validated that by telling me she liked the way I handled it today. She also helped me to make sure that inner kids were OK, and that all parts of me knew it wasn't the past any more, and that we were safe. I will be seeing her on Monday, and she reminded me of that. I told her that I realized it also made me miss my former T more acutely, as he was always so respectful, and set the bar very high for how I expect to be treated by men. She agreed that he was someone who treated women with the utmost respect, and told me it made sense that it would cause me to miss him even more.

I realized that even though I was doing good things for myself today by talking to my neighbor, and reminding myself that I was an adult who could take positive action after what happened, talking to my T was that extra piece that helped me to feel like I am more present again. I don't feel as vulnerable and triggered, and I'm not on the verge of tears. Plus, T and I are going to talk Monday about what I can do if something like that happens again. I often think of a good T as an anchor, someone who is not being tossed about by the turbulence of grief, or flashbacks, or my daily stressors. By touching base with T, I can feel steadied again, and better able to navigate the situation.

[stopdog]

I am glad the therapist seemed to help.

[tametc]

I was planning on driving to a nearby town today to do some shopping, but the neighbor guy was outside working on his girlfriend's car (probably trying to kiss up to her). I decided I didn't want to go out, because he would probably try to engage me in conversation, and I don't want to talk to him at all. I may go later this evening, as it's a store that's open 24 hours. Or, maybe I'll wait until tomorrow. Either way, I'm not scared of him now, but I just don't feel like wasting my breath and my energy.

[learning1]

i'm sorry all that happened.
I think it would be fine to walk past him and ignore him, or even loudly say you don't want to talk to him if he starts saying anything to you. But I understand not wanting to deal with it. I hope he's not around too much.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by learning1

i'm sorry all that happened.
I think it would be fine to walk past him and ignore him, or even loudly say you don't want to talk to him if he starts saying anything to you. But I understand not wanting to deal with it. I hope he's not around too much.

Thanks. I think I'm just worn out from being ill. Having MS makes energy one of my most precious (and scarce) commodities, so I don't want to spend what I have on this situation right now. I have no problem with ignoring him or saying I don't want to talk to him, so if he's around when I am ready to go out, I feel prepared. The good thing is, he leaves Sunday and will be gone for about 3 weeks. His girlfriend told me she'd already been hoping he'd find some permanent work in California, and not come back, and this was before I even told her what happened.

[sailorboy]

Oh I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you and your T can help form a strategy for dealing with neighbor guy and any other threatening situation.

[blur]

i'm so sorry for what you went through with this neighbor. you handled it all amazingly. please take gentle care.

[JaneC]

tametc that is just awful, I am soo sorry you had to experience that. Please be kind to yourself, and take good care.
Kind to you

I am sorry for what happened to you, You handled this really well.

[tametc]

I'm so thankful for all the support and understanding all of you have shown. It means a lot. I am going to do my shopping today, and later 2 friends are taking me to dinner to belatedly celebrate my birthday. I actually wrote a "to-do" list today, because I needed a concrete way to prioritize some tasks, in a way that made my needs a priority over things other people want me to do. I feel less pressured and more clear now. It's a sunny day, and I'll enjoy getting outside for a bit. Much thanks and many hugs to all.

[Aloneandafraid]

Agree - you handled thus brilliantly. I am very sorry you had to experience it though. But truly. You are amazing.

[Bentay]

So sorry you had to go through that, sounds horrid. I think you were v brave you don't have to speak to him at all if you don't want to.

I'm so glad you have your T to help you & work through this. Take Care you did great!