[HealingTimes]

I know this is silly, but this sentence really hurt me.

I know the rules about T's not being able to be friends with clients etc, but hearing the words come from her mouth was like a punch in the stomach

She said "we cant be friends, but I don't think you want that anyway" and I replied with "well, that's lie!" and nothing more was said on the matter.

*sigh*.

Therapy/Therapists/Ethics/Rules, they all suck sometimes.

I'm sorry, HealingTimes.

[Lauliza]

I'm sorry, I'm sure that hurt. It is becoming more and more clear to me that even though Ts and pdocs understand transference on a cognitive level, many really don't understand it at all on an emotional one. It's the one thing I think they sometimes have trouble empathizing with, ironically.

[AmysJourney]

I am sorry, it sounds like you're hurting a lot. I am one of those people who don't want to be friends with my therapist - mainly because of the reason right here - wanting it and not being able to have it would hurt too much. So I had to make that clear for myself before I started therapy. And I have to remind myself a lot of times that my therapist is a therapist and not a paid friend. I have a friend who is a therapist and I make sure we never get into a conversation where she would help me with her therapy background because the relationship would certainly change in balance. There are very good reasons why therapists and clients are better off not being friends. Mainly it is because of the imbalance in the relationship. Our T's always know soo much more about us and the deepest things inside us than most of our friends. My friends couldn't handle all the things my therapist knows about me. And I couldn't be real friends with someone who I have shared all these things with because I would always question how much of this knowledge she would apply in certain situations.

I know it's hard, and I am sorry you're hurting. But most of the time the ethics are there for very good reasons, even if they sting painfully and suck at times. And I know this might not help you right now, but I hope the pain will fade.

Lots of love.
Amelia

[Petra5ed]

It's not silly. I have that same fantasy, and I'm sure my T's answer would be the same... it does suck.

[HealingTimes]

It's just so unfair I know that sounds incredibly childish to say, but its how I feel.

T and I have discussed transference quite a lot, but this was mostly to do with the Maternal feelings I had towards her. But strangely the 'Friends' thing never came up.

I just hate it I know that she isn't my 'friend' now, she is my T, but I was hoping that 1 day (after terminating therapy) that may be a possibility. We like the same things, we enjoy the same TV shows, we have the same sense of humour etc.

I'm such an idiot

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

It's just so unfair I know that sounds incredibly childish to say, but its how I feel.

T and I have discussed transference quite a lot, but this was mostly to do with the Maternal feelings I had towards her. But strangely the 'Friends' thing never came up.

I just hate it I know that she isn't my 'friend' now, she is my T, but I was hoping that 1 day (after terminating therapy) that may be a possibility. We like the same things, we enjoy the same TV shows, we have the same sense of humour etc.

I'm such an idiot

You're not an idiot, this is totally normal and one of the harder things about therapy, I think.

You are so not an idiot. It is normal and yes one of the harder things about therapy I think too. Like I told my T when I first told her that I love her - "I feel so close to you, you helped me get my writing back, how can I NOT love you?!" It is the single weirdest relationship of my entire life - this sharing everything and feeling so close to someone who at the end of the day is 'just' a paid professional. Weird, but it can be wonderful too I must admit because I don't have to worry about "her stuff" like I would in a friendship - it is "all about me" which I certainly don't have anywhere else BUT in therapy!

But saying and knowing that - sometimes it still hurts that I can't ever mean as much to her as she means to me you know??

So no. You're not an idiot, none of us are!

[emptyspace]

.
You are definitely not an idiot.

If you think about it, the whole concept of therapy is crazy. We develop a relationship with someone who encourages all these feelings, but that person (the T) is a job. They can't be our parents, friends, lovers, etc. They are a job, but yet they encourage and at times purposely promote the feelings that develop.

Clients are very vulnerable. T's "manipulate" this position to get us to feel and reveal things we need to work through. They become our mothers, friends, lovers, etc in the room, but to them, we are a job. The care for us, but not as we do for them... They have tons of clients, many of who wish the same things.

I get terrible maternal transference. It is so painful because even though T could be my mom by age, etc, she can't be. I have asked to be adopted before. Ouch.

When I think about the whole process, it is screwy.

[RTerroni]

I'm sorry about that, but it really is the truth that Therapists and Clients can't be friends.

[purple orchid]

Dear Healing Times,
You are not an idiot. This therapy stuff is really hard. I understand how you are feeling and would feel the same.
I avoid the "friend" question because I think I know what the answer would be and I don't want to hear it.
It hurts a lot that this special relationship can't develop into a true friendship.
Sending you hugs

[Asiablue]

Ouch.

It's hard not to take it as a rejection. There's so much history behind someone saying we can't be friends, or i don't want you or i don't like you and i suspect that's what you're hearing when she says "we can't be friends." Even tho cognitively you know why and that it isn't personal, your feelings say something different.

It's a horrible feeling.

I am sorry it hurt, but you are not an idiot, far from it!
My t said that right after she sent me a friend request on Facebook, I wanted to say but I didn't ask to be friends... But I didn't say anything because the whole relationship is fake and imbalanced after those words were said. I hope you can work through this with your t

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[HealingTimes]

I just feel like running away from Therapy altogether now I am just so hurt. Why on Earth am I so stupid? I knew this would be the case, but part of me still wished for it, thought I was the exception to the rule.
I guess I am just not 'special' enough

Just a question – have you ever heard your T talk outside of the therapy framework? There are times my T will go off on some slight pontification about psychology, or one of his many hobbies that I feel are really boring. I’m always like “Yeah yeah yeah! Can we please get on with MY problems!”. I can’t imagine hanging out with T and having to listen to that. I think I’d be more interest-compatible with a random stranger from the street, so the thought to me is so foreign. I love the therapy relationship – it’s unique in and of itself, because it’s completely one-sided and all about ME ME ME!

It sucks to hear that you’ll never have more of a relationship with T, but it’s my feeling that if we knew them as they really are, most of us would be bored and unhappy in relationships with them.

[pinkbutterfly]

I know how you feel...I had a T once that said, "We can never be friends."
I think there would be better ways to frame it, ya know? I'm currently in school to become a counselor, myself, so I will definitely be able to empathize with clients on this.

And also the "I will always be here for you" lying line I get from some of them.

Regarding the "friends" thing...I think for me it would have been helpful for her to reframe it while talking about what the therapy relationship is. And how it's important within the office setting, but it would be complicated and tricky to have a friendship outside of therapy which is why ethics boards strongly discourage "dual relationships" - rather than being left with a feeling that she didn't WANT to EVER be my friend, and there was something wrong with ME -- I would have interpreted it much differently. Or had she said something about how it would be an unequal balance in friendship being that she knew so much about me, and it would be difficult to reframe the relationship as friends from therapist-client because of the bond that was created already.

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

I just feel like running away from Therapy altogether now I am just so hurt. Why on Earth am I so stupid? I knew this would be the case, but part of me still wished for it, thought I was the exception to the rule.
I guess I am just not 'special' enough

As hard as may be to realise healing, this isn't about you! You are special, t just can't be friends with you because it goes against everything she was trained to do. She could get in a lot of trouble, even lose her job.
How do you know that she doesn't feel the same need to be friends with you? If this was an outside relationship with someone other than your t, would you still have the same desire to be friends?


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[Mike_J]

Knowing something and hearing it out loud are two different things. It would hurt me too if my therapist ever said that to me, even though it's something that I know very well.

[HealingTimes]

Thanks everyone, thanks for the comments.

I don't think I can talk to T about this to be honest, I feel very uncomfortable about telling her this. But that leaves me confused about how to move forward. Maybe its something that I'll come to terms with in my own time, or maybe this is just too much for me.
The thing is, how am I supposed to feel? My T has encouraged a relationship, a trust, with each other. And this wanting to be friends is just a product of that process. She/We spent months and months building up a good relationship and now, 4 years later, this happens.
So what do I do? Distance myself from her and from our relationship? Logically I totally understand that I cannot be friends with my T, even if I were allowed. But as Mike says, knowing something and feeling it are 2 different things.

I feel a bit as though I have been fooled.

[HazelGirl]

You do need to bring this up, though. I know it's confusing and painful, but it sounds like it is extremely important to discuss.

[SeekerOfLife]

I have had the same secret wish for a long time with T. I almost said it one day. Glad I did not. Sorry it opened up such pain for you. All you expressed sounds so much like me. The last session I put up an invisible glass wall between us, so I wont get hurt. This transference stuff is deep and confusing. I don't want it. Hugs to you.

[HealingTimes]

I think an invisible glass wall is exactly what I need. It'll have to be triple glazed and reinforced too
I should have kept that wall up long ago.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

I know this is silly, but this sentence really hurt me.

I know the rules about T's not being able to be friends with clients etc, but hearing the words come from her mouth was like a punch in the stomach

She said "we cant be friends, but I don't think you want that anyway" and I replied with "well, that's lie!" and nothing more was said on the matter.

*sigh*.

Therapy/Therapists/Ethics/Rules, they all suck sometimes.

Why did this therapist say this and why did she presume to already know your feelings?

I'm very glad that my therapist and I inhabit separate social circles. And yet, I would be stung by such a comment, particularly if she presumed I needed to be told.

Sometimes, I have dreams that T's family is my own.

[HazelGirl]

HealingTimes, I don't think that's the best way to solve this problem. Your T is wonderful, she hasn't tried to trick you, and she doesn't want to hurt you. She is your T, and it sounds like she has done a wonderful job at that. She isn't your friend, but she doesn't need to be. She needs to be your T, and she can't be that if she's your friend.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Why did this therapist say this and why did she presume to already know your feelings?

I'm very glad that my therapist and I inhabit separate social circles. And yet, I would be stung by such a comment, particularly if she presumed I needed to be told.

Sometimes, I have dreams that T's family is my own.

I don't really know, PeeJay.
Its funny because when she said that to me, I was like "What! Does this woman have no idea who I am!!", but I tried to 'play it cool' by just saying "that's a lie" but good God, how come she got it so wrong?

I suppose because I don't really give much away. I am aware that T can't be my friend, so I don't see the point in talking about it with her..because, you know, that's has worked so well! NOT!