T said it- "We can't be friends".

I don't know if this will be useful or not - but I did become friends with a therapist a while back and while it was fine and nothing happened - it also was just normal - they are not all super great and interesting in and of themselves that I have found.
The first one I see now has said that clients ask her to coffee and she declines - I asked why on earth she was telling me - it is not like I want to have coffee with her. (of course - it seems that one is always telling me other clients like her better and are nicer to her than I am - so maybe it was to show me more that other clients are nicer to her than I am and nothing to do with some odd thought that I would find coffee with her an attractive idea.)

My T is retiring. We have agreed to stay in contact. He said he didn't want to be a inattentative crappy "friend". I don't know what I want him to be. I want him to still be my therapist, it's going to be really hard to not contact him if I'm suffering. But I told him I didn't want therapy. Although, we agreed to let each other know how we are each doing. How can that not fall into him advising me. Concerning his life, I am interested in his health, his travels, and more than happy to listen to all that. The fact that I love him complicates staying in touch because it will be bitter sweet. I know we cant be together,
although it will make me want him none the less. But the longing for him is worth hearing from him occassionally.

I dont want him to be a friend, and what on earth am I to him if not a patient, not a friend,
not a lover. This is all confusing. I guess when it happens we will have to see what develops. Maybe we will decide staying in contact just doesn't make sense. This is the strangest relationship I have ever had.

My T said exactly the same thing to me a few months ago and I will never forget how much that simple statement hurt. It was all the more shocking as it kind of came out of nowhere from what I remember. I didn't specifically ask if we could be friends - she just told me we are not friends and we can never be. Brutal. I have tried to be rational about the relationship but I keep thinking about this and this thread has made me rethink my relationship with this woman. I am just her job.

I think that the therapeutic relationship is different than friendship but equally valid. I consider my relationship with my therapist to be a rich one, rewarding and sacred, and hope you can see how wonderful it is, in it's own way- not worse than friendship, but just unique. It took me a while to understand that when I rued not having something else with my therapist, but the respect she had and the value she placed on our relationship was very affirming. Maybe you could ask your therapist what they think of the therapeutic relationship, and see how special it is through their eyes, it definitely took a lot of the sting out of it for me.

I know that she considers our relationship to be very special, which is nice.

I guess that it just saddens me that if this woman were not my T, we could be great friends. If I met anyone else that I have so many things in common with, I would become friends with that person -as has happened lots of times, is that not the basis of any friendship.

I know I keep saying "It's not fair" like some petulant child, but that is actually just how I feel.
I don't imagine my T to be a 'perfect friend', I know she isn't perfect and has her own 'issues', it just seems that she is a really nice person who I have a lot in common with.

I don't see how I can discuss this with her, without coming across as some needy pathetic individual (you guys are seeing that instead- sorry).

When I fear to sound like a needy pathetic individual... .those are exactly the things I take to therapy. The hard stuff.

But I don't think you *are* pathetic at all- of course you wanna be friends. Therapists model perfect friendships in many cases, and then of course, when we have things in common, it seems even better.

But there are other people like her you can find to befriend also, especially if you're focused on certain interests... you can hunt for those and surround yourself with people like that also.

Not to take away from your feeling cheated though- it's a valid feeling, I'd absolutely discuss it with her. That's what she's there for, where a friend maybe wouldn't be.

Normally I would agree, but this topic just seems too much like a platonic version of 'unrequited love' and therefore very embarrassing. Like I want her more than she wants me, which is obviously the case as I am not her T but she is mine.

I am confused by the whole thing to be honest.

I just keep replaying that moment in my head and feeling the literal pain to my heart when she said it.

Yes, that's true, sadly, you're more invested, but (big but) that doesn't mean she doesn't care about you! Has she ever been in therapy? My therapist was for a long time, and when she told me that, and about how she felt the way I did too.... it was so comforting.

Yes she has been in therapy on and off for many years due to her own issues. Now she goes to weekly supervision too.
So I know how she feels about transference and we have discussed it quite a lot in the past.

I feel like a toddler stamping her feet because the nice girl at playgroup wont be my friend.

The therapeutic realationship is still a realationship. It's different to a friendship or a romantic realationship, but that doesn't mean it has to have less significance.

You can't have a therapeutic realationship with a romantic partner or a friend. You can't change that either.

You'll miss this person when the therapy ends. That's what upsets you. But remember, when the therapy ends this person, even if you could stay in contact with them, wouldn't act the same as they would with you whilst conducting psychotherapy. You might not like this, but actually you miss this person as a psychotherapist, the person outside of that you may know a bit about, but she probably is quite different and your opinion of her may be very different. Actually, if she really were to become your friend, I'd be surprised if your feelings about her didn't change, at least a little.

It sounds like the relationship with your therapist represents something bigger than the relationship itself. This begs my curiosity as to the body sensations you feel when you think about your therapist's comment that "you cannot become friends." Once you familiarize yourself with these body sensations, perhaps you and your therapist can discuss these: you might discern whether the sensations feel familiar, how old they are, if they bring memories, etc. Our body sensations (somatic experiences) in relation to emotions from a particular circumstance often hold the key to one or even several similar scenarios in your life that were triggered, and became part of your feelings within that similar scenario. Working with these clues brings insight and healing so that growth instead of despair become your resulting experience. I wish you and your therapist my best as you take this opportunity for insightful learning.

My T told me one time when we were discussing termination and post-termination and she said that well what happens is you can become not friends of course but it's more like colleagues. And that sits okay with me. While she's still the actual expert, I'm becoming an expert on ME, and that sorta does make us colleagues of a sort. I kinda get it, I think.

I am not friends with my T but I have a friend in my life that started out as kind of a "life coach" kind of role. She knew a lot about me (not the deeply personal things I share with T but more than I share with friends). She added me as a friend on Facebook, we had a lot in common with a similar sense of humor so we started hanging out. Then it got weird.

I was able to see first-hand the ways that what she *said* was not what she *did* in her real life. It made the things she was promoting a little less meaningful. She had a hard time separating the friendship and the professional roles - so when we would be talking about something as friends, she would slip into a "preaching" at me about what I should be doing (not in a friendly conversation way - more in an "i'm a professional and I know exactly what you need to do" way). When I told her I didn't like the blurred lines, she got upset and ended up using some of the personal things I had told her in verbal attacks on me in order to gain the upper hand in the dynamic.

Therapists are people. They "hurt the ones they love" sometimes ... I don't want to be one of those people that could fall victim to my deepest angst being used against me in a falling out of a friendship. I also have zero desire to be in a friendship that didn't feel like we were on equal footing (and I don't think I would feel equal to my T in a friendship)

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I still want to believe that my therapist and I can become friends or maybe more.

Part of me knows that I have to speak to my T about this...but do I really? Cant I process this hurt alone?
It was depending on her that got me into this mess in the first place

HT, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like you said earlier, knowing it and hearing it said are 2 different things. Personally, I think part of me would be crushed if my T said that to me.
I don't have any real advice but loads of sympathy. You are so not an idiot, or a petulant child, or any of those negative self-thoughts swirling through your brain. It's ok and perfectly understandable to feel hurt over this situation.

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Thank You SFG.

I just wish that I hadn't gotten so emotionally involved. Yet getting emotionally involved in what therapy is supposed to be about, right? I don't know what I did wrong!
But the logical side of me KNOWS (and has always known) that T and I cannot be friends...still, it hurt to hear the words come from her mouth.

Not being able to be friends, doesn't take anything away from what you get from her that leads you to believe being friends has to be the next step.
In fact, bring friends would lessen what you get.

HT, I know exactly how it feels to KNOW intellectually, the reality of the T-relationship, but not to FEEL it until you get "hit in the face" with the words!
I think I nearly disassociated, or maybe I did, when my T started talking to me about her being a professional, and probably using those same words "we can't be friends". It felt like an arrow piercing my heart. She even asked how my relationship is with other professionals in my life, like my accountant or lawyer. I reacted so badly that she doesn't talk like that anymore!!

Still, of course I know the truth. I am her job and her client. She is my therapist and not anything more.

BUT, I always remember my first T's words (I had the same problem with her, naturally): we can't be friends. Therapy is different. We have a relationship, and not being friends does not make it LESS, just different. It helps me to think of it that way. T and I aren't friends, but we're so much more! She cares deeply about helping me be happy in my life. She thinks of me more than "just her job". She's told me that. Like everyone else says, if we were friends with our T, then they couldn't be our T. It wouldn't work!

It doesn't seem fair. I agree!! Yet we wouldn't be happy with our T being our friend. It would change everything. Still, those words are so painful to hear. The solution is to accept all the good in the relationship and remember it is NOT LESS THAN, just different.

*sigh* I guess I am going to have to discuss this with my T aren't I?

Healing, I have not been able to read all the posts in this thread thoroughly, but I would like to relate a wee story from my work experience, that maybe will help. In my training at the nursing home, a resident came up to me and asked if I would be his mother. (My heart kind of swelled). I thought quickly, and said, well I can do even better than that. I can be your friend. (He liked that).
It's not too often that I am able to come up with a good response that quickly. Hugs, friend. I think that your T should have been able to find a more soothing way of responding to you. I can relate to your desire to be friends with T. I have wanted this for so long with my T. Several times I have nearly blurted it out. But later was glad that I did not. It just is not permitted. Sorry for your pain.

I get this I think. I think if my T said something like "I really like being your therapist, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to make it difficult to be your therapist as long as you want. That means that we can't be friends afterwards, but it doesn't mean that we can't feel fondly about each other, and you can come back any time." or some version that included some affirmation and care while also setting a boundary.

Instead he, like your T, says "we can't be friends." It's really tactless. I didn't ask to be friends, and I don't want to be friends. I understand and want him to remain my therapist. I hate looking for a therapists. more than I find it difficult to have friends.
I think they think they are being helpful in setting clear boundaries. It is better than unclear boundaries. But it's not done in a very kind way.

I don't think she meant it to sound tactless, as it was part of a discussion about whether it is possible for us both to attend the same meditation class together ( see my thread here for more info if needed http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...-you-feel.html ) . We were discussing what would have to happen for both of us to be comfortable in a social situation like that. And the "We cant be friends but I don't think you want that anyway" sentence was a part of that discussion.

I don't understand why I am struggling with this so much. I went into it (therapy I mean) with the knowledge that my T cannot be my friend...but gosh it hurts so much hearing it from the person that you have grown attached to and 'love' (in a platonic sense).

Syra makes a good point. I think it's that lack of care and affirmation that makes it hard to take what T said. It was, in a way, kinda like a sucker punch. There are all sorts of ways to convey the same meaning in less hurtful words.

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Well next week would be the perfect opportunity for us to discuss it, as we have 2 sessions that week.

But I just have no idea how on Earth to bring up this subject...any advice?