How to tell your therapist about transference?

I am thinking of telling my therapist about my transference next time and I don't know how to bring it up. Sometimes my therapist takes on a parental figure and I feel like a child wanting to be looked after or like I'm having a childish tantrum because I don't like being told. Sometimes I unintentionally wind my therapist up which I also do with my parents. I think it's a way of getting attention but I catch myself doing it now whereas before I was unaware. However, most of the time the transference is erotic

I would like to hear your suggestions or how you managed this difficult subject with your therapist. I am terrified of this conversation.

It took me a while to summon up the courage, but eventually I just felt I had to address it. I chose to write it in a letter - I felt as if I could be clearer that way. I took my time writing it as I wanted to be as authentic as possible and make sure I offloaded everything I wanted to!

You will be okay - if you have a good T he/she will be used to dealing with this kind of thing and will talk it through with you in a relaxed way and help you accept it as a normal part of therapy.

Hope this helps - good luck.

Never Tell.............nothing good comes out of it. 99% of Therapists can not handle their clients transference.

I've really thought about this a lot as I've tried to disclose the same thing to my T. Personally I would look for a way to discuss the feelings as a top priority, and I don't mean the sexual urge, I mean the obsession and frustration, fear of the T leaving, etc... Once you tell them the feelings they will be able to deduce the rest. For example, you could tell them they are a reminder of what you missed as a child, if you have parental type feelings. You could say something vague like, I think I'm thinking about you too much lately, or I feel like I like you too much, or I'm having some feelings for you that are confusing and I don't feel very comfortable addressing them directly right now.

If you're having the feelings it's probably already known to your T since they are trained to spot it. I first dropped the bomb in an email. I've also read out loud some things I wrote. Never have directly blurted out, "I want you on this couch now!" haha, but I don't think that would go over well at all either. Just make sure that you don't let yourself get caught up in the fantasy that you will sleep with your T. You need to stay honest with yourself, that way the T can work with you and help you. If you lock into an attitude of 'now I'm in therapy to win over my T in some sexual conquest' it will not work out super well for you in the end.

I disagree with MoxieDoxie. It sounds like she may have found one who didn't and generalized that to all T's. Mine has handled my transference very well, and I have had no problems with saying something. I get really afraid mine is going to hurt me and abandon me, and all I do is tell her whenever I am feeling like that. It's about being as honest as you can manage.

The way a therapist handles transference depends on their theoretical orientation. A psychodynamic therapist will interpret it as having to do with unmet needs in childhood. It might become a central theme of the therapy.

A CBT therapist can go two ways: 1. simple acknowledge it and accepting it as it is, or 2. tie it to your "schemas" or other thoughts, and behaviors you tend to repeat with people.

Most therapists now a days don't bring up transference unless it becomes an issue that is interfering with therapy. All therapists have a sense of how we are reacting to them (positive vs. negative) and how they react to us (strength of feelings, positive vs. negative, etc.) However, they are NOT mind-readers. They might "sense" you are attracted to them, but they will not be certain unless a patient is obvious about it.

A way to bring it up would be "I've been having a strong reaction to you and 1) I'm concerned about it, 2) I don't understand why I am having this reaction, 3) I simply want to share it with you, etc..." It might help to tell him what your purpose is for bringing it up, e.g. do you want the feelings to go away?

If you are concerned he will take it personally, you could say something like "I've heard of transference and I know I am reaction to you-as-a-therapist, rather than you as a person but..."

Just some options. Good luck!

The first time I addressed it with a t I had been reading forums (not this one), and read about other people experiencing it. I posted a letter to my t there, and just held my breath and forwarded it to my t.

It went fine. He was prepared for it, nothing in our relationship changed, and when my feelings were normalized and I didn't feel like I was a freak experiencing something I shouldn't, the feelings got way more manageable.

It's easier (though not easy!) for me now to bring them up with my "new" t as they happen, and we touch bases regularly about the t relationship and how we each feel things are going. He was really open to talking about them, and says it helps therapy move for both client and t when the air between us can be kept clear and free of things unsaid.

Good luck! I think most t's are trained to deal with it, but unfortunately some aren't. Hopefully your t is in supervision to help deal with the discomfort strong transference can cause the t.

I agree with Moxie, but for a different reason. If I were to bring up the subject of transference, I would appear foolish. She already told me it is like I saw her as a parent, which I do not. If I see her in any fashion I guess I would call it like a sister. Just reading the postings here make me realize that some people may have transference, but not all. To bring up something that probably does not exist is a waste of my therapy time.
The only thing I have wondered about is that I think about her every day, all through the day. I think that is probably normal considering that my therapy is at the top of priority list. And my feelings toward her are mostly positive, and very strong.
Now is this transference or not?

I'm mortified at the thought that T will find out I have little child transference needs for her. I was raised by numerous female relatives, all of which made it very clear many times a day that they aren't my mother, just to hurt me. I'll do any kind of maneuver to prevent that from being said again. Don't know the way out of this.

I did it in a series of three sessions, each time being a little more blunt. It went from "your opinion matters" to "thinking about you a lot," etc. It has been great for our t alliance. Good luck!

I am so sorry you experienced this, but I have to wholeheartedly disagree.

It took me a long time but I "came clean" slowly, slowly. It is by far the best thing that ever happened in my therapy. He accepts in without reservation and we talk about it a lot. Am I totally okay with my transference? No. But I have come leaps and bounds and I'd disclose 100 times over if I had to.

Oooo! I don't agree with this! My experience is quite the reverse.

I read that transference is having some feelings for your therapist. In most cases transference sounds like a really bad idea. I would resist having feelings for my therapist because having feelings for someone you can't be with is painful and always led to me to harm. I can't believe transference would be recommended by any professional psychologist or therapist unless it was something more innocent like a mother/father to daughter/son relationship!

Feelings will happen regardless of how much you resist. Transference is not a recommendation which is made by therapists, it is an emotional phenomenon which can happen during therapy.

And I am not even sure what to say about the idea that parent/child relationships are "innocent" ...

I never talked to T about it until a few months before her passing. I never brought it up in the past because I felt it made me more vulnerable. I trusted her a great deal but I always had a fear she would drop me. The only reason I did bring it up was because Emdr T mentioned that I had motherly feeling towards T and it was extremely normal. T had to utilize attachment therapy in order for us to make any progress. It freaked me out because while I cared about T a lot I thought of her more like an aunt figure. I thought it would invalidate or mean I didnt love and miss my mom. I had an amazing mom who was irreplaceable. T and I discussed it briefly and she explained it more and validated that given our relationship it is very normal.

Emdr I have discussed brought it up a little. It took me a while but I was able to eventually tell her I have this horrible fear something would happen to her. I went through a period this summer where anytime I heard there was a car accident on town I would freak out; it brought put my fear of abandonment so I was putting a wall up between us. When I told her that she told me that while she can't guarantee nothing would happen to her or what life will bring but she didnt on tend on going anywhere. She said given what happened to T it was very normal I would feel this way. I have told her other minor things. I suspect she knows more than I tell her.

I would first ask myself the question what I am expecting to get out of such a conversation, what I would/could use it for, more specifically than just "let's get it out" or "let's see what happens". Saying this because I agree that many Ts are not very good at handling transference... not even in a sense to remain objective, but the interpretations are often gross generalizations, superficial, limited and dogmatic. Is your therapist creative in general working with you? If not much, I would probably bail on this kind of work. If yes, I would still think carefully how it could be helpful for me. If the conclusions of these assessments are positive, I would pretty much just present the whole thing to them as though I was talking about any other issue, keep it descriptive and maybe share my own interpretations (if any). Then ask for their opinion and what, they think, could be done with the material (perhaps in writing if saying it is too difficult). If their side sounds interesting and useful as well, then get more deeply into it.

I really like to use transferential material for my self-work, but I think I have done it much better just using stuff from everyday life relationships than whatever in therapy. I also didn't find my Ts nearly as insightful about this stuff as what I can come up with in my own honest introspection, knowing myself and my patterns better than anyone else .

I brought it up via text message. It took me 4 years to bring it up. He knew all along though . He is trained well on transference and attachment. We utilize it in my therapy. Sometimes its great. Sometimes its incredibly painful

I never had to bring up the issue as it was totally obvious to both me and the t that I was experiencing them as a parent.

My T has built enough trust with me that I just tell him about most transference. First it was a priest, then a horse, back to the priest and a friends husband... poor T gets to be everyone but himself! When I tell him about the transference he welcomes the information. He can usually tell already that there is transference going on but he doesn’t always know from who and what kind of relationship I had with that person. He has always been very kind and welcoming of the information and it has helped him to respond to me in ways that are more healing. I have not had erotic transference with him but he has already let me know it is OK if I do and it is something we can talk about. He said he knows it is difficult to talk about erotic transference with your T but it is very normal, he is comfortable talking about it and he has good boundaries so that both of us will stay safe even when it is “out in the room” for us to talk about.