T upset with me

You know I love my T. But yesterday it seems my T and I had a little fallout, and she seems upset, but I don't really see the big deal.. Perhaps you can help me understand?
She called me on the weekend to check on me, she was worried and wanted to see if I was ok. I didn't hear the phone when she called so she left a voicemail message and asked me to call her back.
I texted her quickly to say I would call her later and that I was ok.
Well, I forgot to call her and then the next day I received a message from her asking me why I hadn't returned her call. She said in her mind she had all sorts of horror scenarios of what could have happened to me. I said I forgot and apologized for having her worried and I thought that was it and the issue is done. Well, apparently it's not done, now she wants to talk about this in our next session and explore a little about why I didn't find it important to call her. And I think it's just a waste of time and energy because for me it is not an issue at all, I simply forgot. And I hate when little things like this have to be analyzed. I think there is nothing to analyze! To me it just feels like the reaction of a worried friend who feels helpless to my situation and who was scared. I feel this has more to do with her than me. Am I missing something here? Is there a bigger significance on this than I might see?

Do you think she is experiencing some counter transference?

It's possible. I can't explain in otherwise.. Unless I am not seeing something in my actions that I should see perhaps?

It sounds like she cares about you deeply and your actions are affecting her?

Yes, I think so. And I really do appreciate that she cares for me so much. But I think I have to talk to her about this because it just felt like this was out of balance.

I would simply tell her you are sorry you forgot and don't want to discuss it. It is YOUR therapy and you get to decide what to discuss. She will need to process this by herself. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for HER feelings....that is backwards.

Could you tell her what you wrote in your post above? It does seem a little out of balance.

It does sound like she's crossed into friend territory a bit. Does she have her own supervision?
Also i suppose you could examine why you "forgot". Most people wouldn't forget that their therapist wanted them to call them back. Could there be something else going on sub-consciously? Are you sensing her closeness to you and trying to pull back from it?

Well, remember that she did come to your house late at night and take you to the hospital. So she is obviously worried and for you to forget to call her back seems almost like maybe you are pulling away...idk...u write about her a lot on here so she is obviously on your mind often. It doesn't add up. Maybe she is scared that she became too involved. I agree that that is her issue however. But like you said in an earlier post, she is just human and worries because you are ill.

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It sounds to me like there is some power issues Amelia. T is always mentioned in your posts and how much she cares about and perhaps by you not calling her back and her ringing and getting upset is the reassurance you need that t cares?

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The thing is, I already knows the cares - I don't really need reassuring of that. I texted her and told her I was ok. I just simply forgot because she is not always on my mind. I guess I didn't think it was that important. Usually I don't call her much. I text her or email her when I feel I want to share something but I never feel I have to.

Yes, she has supervision.
And I am trying to figure out if there is any significance why I forgot. It's not that I didn't care she might be worried, but she is also not on my mind 24/7. I don't know, perhaps I did subconsciously have a reason but I don't know what... And I don't know if I want to make it a problem and analyze it when there might be none..

I also find it interesting you "forgot." I'm not implying you're lying, but I'd say 99% of us on here wouldn't forget our T called to check in and was waiting on a response. My T would never, ever call me like that. I'm both a bit jealous and baffled as to how you could forget I think you should talk to her about it but not to dwell on it. It does sound to me like she needs some supervision of her own.

Yes, I understand this. But remember, it wasn't me who called her in the middle of the night - she texted me. She came over at her own choice and not because I asked her to. I really do appreciate her and I really do like her, but after all, she is my therapist and not my friend. I wouldn't want her to be my friend. And while I think it's good that we are close, her reaction just seems a little strong and I don't want her to make it a bigger issue than it was.
Well, if it wasn't a bigger issue, that is - that's why I am wondering whether this has to do with me or her. It confuses me as to what to think.

This response is what makes me confused in this.. Is forgetting really a big deal with a therapist? Does it really mean that I had a subconscious reason? I don't have any transference issues with her, I am very clear about our roles in the relationship. But her reaction - and your reaction - makes me wonder. Why would I want to forget, I don't see a reason? I don't have to fight for her attention at all, I don't feel ignored or neglected or unimportant, I don't have any reason whatsoever to test her or upset her - so what could make me "forget" as a deeper issue? I am really confused here..

Maybe you just have to wait and hear her out and hear her perspective. If it's not a big deal, then it's not a big deal. And by then she'll have had more time to think too.

Yes, later today! I am never nervous before going into a session and I never went into a session with a bad conscience until today. She really seemed genuinely upset and I don't like that! But I guess you're right, I will just have to wait.

Yeah, one of two things has to be going on.
Either she is genuinely upset and wants to make sure you don't do that again (which is her problem, not yours), or she sees something in your behavior or attitudes that she wants to address because it's therapeutically important.

Well, I don't know which one is worse! I know, it may seem like a benign problem to some, but for me these things take energy that I don't have right now.
If it's her experiencing some counter transference then I hope she will be able to work that out and not let it affect our relationship. If it's a problem I seem to have, then I am afraid it will be really difficult because I wouldn't even know what to say if she would try to explore this with me. And I would feel torn between my head thinking this was not a problem for me and my heart thinking that if she thinks it's a problem then perhaps it was? I certainly do not want to fall into the "pleasing the therapist" pattern but I also don't want to resist something that I might have to work on.. I don't know, I am just confused and a bit anxious at the moment.

Maybe just say sorry and you didn't mean to worry her, but were just busy?

I think it sounds a little over the top. I've initiated calls to my pdoc, which he's returned and I've missed, and then have forgotten to call him back (it was never anything more than a question). He was annoyed and I apologized because it was kind of rude (as I initiated the first call). So that's justified, I think. But it was still no big deal.

With your case, I don't see forgetting to call back a big deal. If you had expressed despondence and/or SI or something serious and you didn't call her back, then I could see your T's concern since that is serious. But otherwise I think she's stepping out of professional mode and into friend mode, which is a little odd. So if you say you're sorry she was worried and you intended fully to call back but were busy and got distracted. Doesn't that happen all the time?

I think she is very concerned about your health issues, and maybe it blurred the lines between the therapeutic relationship. You really dont know, maybe she has had somebody in her life , who has or had the same health situation you have, and it has not been resolved yet, maybe your t, has unresolved issues with this.

As a friend, I would be worried if my friend was sick, and not returned a call, but you text her saying you were ok. Your t was catastrophising all sorts of stuff , when you didnt return her call, usually they tell us not to do this and use coping skills.

Her feelings for you , because of your health are most likely blurring some lines. She is human after all. You forgetting to call back, I dont know what to say about that. Most of us here on pc, if I may assume here, would not forget to call a t back if she or he asks for a return phone call.
I know you are very independant therapeutically which is fine, but you should let her address this issue, at least you will know where she is coming from. Hugs.

Maybe, maybe not. It could be her issue, or it could be she is right and you are unconsciously trying to avoid whatever might be brought up in the call... Or, it could even be a mixture of both.

I think part of the problem may be that people who have not dealt with life threatening illnesses do not have a good grasp about how little emotional and mental resources a person is left with to deal to with extraneous stuff. You have a lot going on and it makes sense to me that you would forget, particularly in light of the fact you don't have a lot of transference stuff going. I DO have a lot of transference stuff going on with my T and when my dad and father in law were both suffering terminal illnesses at the same, I still forgot to call my T back a couple of times. It was about being totally present with my dad and father in law and not having the time or emotional energy to deal with much else. I think if you can explain it in those terms, your T may be better able to see there isn't some unconscious "thing" going on with you, and she needs to better manage her own anxiety around your illness.

BTW, my T also saw my father in law. My T mentioned once having to manage his own feelings about my father in law's imminent death to be able to assist my father in law, my mother in law and me in dealing with our emotions and issues around the coming death. My T came to the funeral (at my and mother in law's request), and I saw that he was pretty teary at one point in the service. He also thanked us for inviting him and making it clear that it was not a breach of confidentiality for him to come.