[Yearning0723]

So I had another session with new T today...and I think I feel a lot better after. I told her how anxious I was feeling, like if she reacted so well to the things I was telling her and told me they weren't my fault, I must have done something wrong or misrepresented things somehow. She asked me if I'd ever done that in the past, and I told her about my eighth grade teacher who I always exaggerated things to because that would elicit care, and when I told people the truth I wasn't believed or supported - and yet, I'd told her the truth and was believed and supported.

So that was confusing for me. And it feels like if everyone in the world has told me things were my fault and I've always felt that way and she's telling me the opposite, that feels like she must be mistaken, and I must have done something wrong to make her say something like that

And she surprised me. She said she wanted me to have compassion for that kid who felt like the only way to get her needs met was to exaggerate, and she said that even if I did end up exaggerating something with her (which she didn't think I had, but if I ever did) we could talk about it and she wouldn't judge it - it would just be information.

And then she asked me about other stuff that had happened with them, and I just had a field day with telling her all kinds of scary things - I just couldn't stop. It all just came pouring out of me. And she was really reacting to those things, and she kept telling me how she could understand how that would be scary or confusing or unpredictable, and she just seemed really surprised by and sad for me at some of the stuff I was telling her...and it felt good to watch that, because she was feeling those emotions for me, the ones I couldn't feel on my own, and was comforting.

And when I said that since this stuff is so surprising and doesn't make sense, sometimes I wonder if my brain is just making things up. She said that brains don't usually create new traumatic memories out of nowhere - your brain wants you to be happy and healthy, so it's more likely to repress traumatic memories than create new ones.

And then I told her about my emotional and rational brain being completely separate, and she said that's pretty normal, since trauma is usually stored in a different part of the brain too. That's why self talk doesn't work with me - because telling it to myself over and over doesn't actually make me believe it. And she understood that, and she said it was normal for me to feel better about other people saying things like that than just saying it to myself.

I just told her so much stuff...I told her about the situation with my stepdad taking off my pants and other situations with him and she was so empathetic to that and told me she could understand how violating that must have felt, and how scary it must have been, and I told her about a situation that happened when I was about nine, when I'd had a fight with my brother about something and I'd gone to my room after and he was crying, and when my stepdad came upstairs and heard my brother crying he was really mad at me, so he came into my room and started yelling at me and spanking me.

And I was just lying on my bed reading a book and I ignored him; I just turned a page of my book. And he kept spanking me and when he wasn't getting a reaction he finally grabbed my book out of my hands and started tearing pages out of it, and then I just started crying and crying and crying...because he'd taken away that last shred of dignity, because in a situation like that you can't control what's going to happen to you, only how you react to it. And T just got it completely, and she explained how it wasn't about the book so much as this situation representing something deeper, me wanting to be in control but adults taking that control away from me and hurting me...and she was just so totally right.

I just got it all out. On our fifth session. Stuff I hadn't told old T until our fifth MONTH, if at all. And she was so kind to me and so understanding. She said that she could understand how the less violent stuff would have been just as scary for me and that even if other kids wouldn't have been so upset by that treatment but I was, that doesn't mean the treatment was justified. She also said that sensitive kids usually pick up on nuances that other people might miss, and that doesn't mean I was wrong because other people couldn't see how my stepdad was - other people just didn't see it. And she said that even if my parents were really good to me most of the time, that doesn't mitigate any of it - in fact, it just makes it more confusing because then your parents who you are super attached to and love dearly also hit you occasionally. (This was a very good answer to my "it wasn't bad enough" fear.)

And also, she thought it WAS bad enough, and as I was telling all of it to her, I started to feel that way too, which was scary...and she just kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, and she knows it must be difficult for me to hear that since everyone in the past has always blamed me for it, but it's something we're going to work on.

And then at the end, even when our session was up, she wanted to go over time a bit to check in about strategies for anxiety and she told me I could remind myself it's just memories being brought up and I didn't do anything wrong if I kept feeling so guilty for telling her all of this...and I said thank you for giving me an extra session, and that I was actually surprised she'd agreed to that. And she said, "It was a reasonable request." And I asked why, and she said, "You were feeling anxious and I thought it was okay for you to ask for some extra support. I'm glad it worked out and I'm glad you're feeling less anxious."

Just a perfect, perfect answer. She earned a lot of brownie points in the trust department today. I just felt so good after seeing her...part of me wants to send her an email just saying thank you again, but that might be pushing my luck...I can hold off, I think.

[Yearning0723]

And also, I just love that she is such a human being around me. It could just be residual effects from old T, but like today, I mentioned to new T some of the stuff my mom used to do to punish me that was less in the realm of hitting and more in the realm of semi-normal parenting, and when she wanted to punish me "normally" she couldn't do most of the things most parents would do - I didn't watch TV, I didn't use many electronics, I didn't hang out with friends so grounding would useless, and so on, so my mother in her infinite wisdom decided that since the things I cared about most were school and my books, then when I misbehaved she would not let me go to school or not let me read.

She only actually did the school thing once, but T started laughing at this, I guess because it was so surprising to her, and she was like, "Wow, I'm sorry, but not going to school as a punishment?" And I sort of saw why she was laughing, because yeah, it sort of is funny that that was the most effective thing for my mother to take away. It didn't upset me that she laughed - it felt genuine, like she wasn't carefully schooling her reactions, so that reassured me that her other reactions to me were genuine too.

She also thought it was funny that one of my friends has decided that he will no longer tell me things he thinks I already know, which means he's cut down his talking level to about 20% of what it used to be. And T was like, "Well, you do know a lot!!!" It was just nice.

[Asiablue]

Awe-some! So happy for you.

she sounds like a real keeper yearning! I am glad you found her and just the fact that she said that you needed an extra session is a testament to her commitment to helping you!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

she sounds like a real keeper yearning! I am glad you found her and just the fact that she said that you needed an extra session is a testament to her commitment to helping you!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

To be fair, I did email her to ask for an extra session...but she didn't even get upset about that, and she agreed without even asking for an explanation, and I am just so, so grateful.

[HazelGirl]

Wow.

BTW: you need a trigger warning on this post. I had troubles with parts of it being really triggering to me.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Wow.

BTW: you need a trigger warning on this post. I had troubles with parts of it being really triggering to me.

Sorry, I thought I'd already put one. Can you add one on edit?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Sorry, I thought I'd already put one. Can you add one on edit?

I don't know. You can try.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't know. You can try.

Fixed.

I'm really sorry it upset you, HazelGirl. I thought I'd put a trigger warning, but I guess I didn't...my apologies.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Fixed.

I'm really sorry it upset you, HazelGirl. I thought I'd put a trigger warning, but I guess I didn't...my apologies.

It's okay. I can handle it most of the time. It only bothers me rarely, and it's really just some anxiety. I have gotten really good at being able to calm myself down when triggered.