[pinkbutterfly]

I'm feeling confused and scared right now...

I've been seeing T now for just over a year. Once a week pretty much consistently.

When I first started seeing her, I just kinda felt like, eh...I know she's good, she's got a lot of experience and has worked with trauma and stuff. I never thought I would feel attached to her at all.

Recently I realized that I can really trust her. It scares me. I called her office about a month ago, and asked her if I could see her twice a week for a while when we started dealing with the hard stuff...because I realized I trusted her and was ready to start hitting it. She's booked so solid, it took me about a month to schedule my first twice a week sessions.

We have started -- it's been really hard. Every time, I tell her that I am scared. I have a lot of fear...fearing judgment -- fearing that I will find out that I have been exaggerating the abuse/neglect of my past. And fear of rejection and abandonment.

I (JUST NOW) realized that I trust her more than I have EVER trusted ANYONE EVER in my entire life. And that scares the crap out of me...I find myself thinking "what would T say about this?" or what would she think about this. She reassures me when I express fear. She's is incredible.

I don't know how (or exactly when) all of this changed and I am feeling so confused and scared about it. I am freaking out about it...I want to run and hide...my entire life it's been: trusting someone = pain, rejection, abandonment.

[HazelGirl]

I completely understand why this is painful and difficult for you. I have a lot of the same fears and anxieties. But the reality is that you have two options in life. Either run from everyone and everything out of fear that they will hurt you. Honestly, that's a miserable existence, and leaves you depressed and afraid. Or you can accept the people around you who seem to be kind and trustworthy. It's painful if they do hurt you, but it's worth it. You can either be in constant overwhelming pain and depression all the time, or accept that you can be happy most of the time while occasionally experiencing the pain from being hurt or having your trust betrayed. Having lived both for a long time, I know for a fact that it's much more painful to be constantly alone (even though it feels safer) than to risk and trust and be hurt occasionally.

[AllyIsHopeful]

It is tough, especially when you find it so challenging to trust people...and with the horror stories on this forum! It's a very scary feeling. I'm in the same boat as you, you're not alone.

My T hates when my trust with her falters because she said she's never done anything to show me I can't trust her and she always keeps her word. Those haunting stories are branded in the back of my mind though.

Most times I just assume she's going to impulsively refer me out or terminate at some point, sending everything else down the drain.

It's a scary feeling.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[pinkbutterfly]

Thanks for your responses. I have been so hurt by several Ts...so this is super scary.

I had a T I saw twice a week for almost two years. She was going on sabbatical for about 6 months after her husband came home from being overseas for two years. So I was trying to find someone to see while she was away. Plan was when she came back, I would go back to seeing her.
Well...in our second or third to last session she tells me she will NOT be seeing me when she returns. That was so hard. I was so hurt and broken.

I think that's the biggest thing that lingers in my mind with it all -- will she do like Dr. A did and just abandon me with little to no warning.

And current T has done nothing to ever make me doubt her trust -- in fact it's quite the opposite. I have been able to, so far...share anything and everything with her and have received no judgment. Concern - yes. But no judgments. She's made some very strong recommendations regarding a couple of things -- but she has never judged, condemned or made me feel rejected at all.

[HazelGirl]

Can you ask her what her long-term plans are?

[pinkbutterfly]

Well considering her husband is the clinical director of the counseling center I don't think she will be going anywhere anytime soon. In fact it's possible that I will be moving somewhere else in about a year and a half (after I graduate).

[Outcast_of_RGaol]

Originally Posted by pinkbutterfly

I'm feeling confused and scared right now...

I've been seeing T now for just over a year. Once a week pretty much consistently.

When I first started seeing her, I just kinda felt like, eh...I know she's good, she's got a lot of experience and has worked with trauma and stuff. I never thought I would feel attached to her at all.

Recently I realized that I can really trust her. It scares me. I called her office about a month ago, and asked her if I could see her twice a week for a while when we started dealing with the hard stuff...because I realized I trusted her and was ready to start hitting it. She's booked so solid, it took me about a month to schedule my first twice a week sessions.

We have started -- it's been really hard. Every time, I tell her that I am scared. I have a lot of fear...fearing judgment -- fearing that I will find out that I have been exaggerating the abuse/neglect of my past. And fear of rejection and abandonment.

I (JUST NOW) realized that I trust her more than I have EVER trusted ANYONE EVER in my entire life. And that scares the crap out of me...I find myself thinking "what would T say about this?" or what would she think about this. She reassures me when I express fear. She's is incredible.

I don't know how (or exactly when) all of this changed and I am feeling so confused and scared about it. I am freaking out about it...I want to run and hide...my entire life it's been: trusting someone = pain, rejection, abandonment.

That sounds wonderful and I'm rather excited for you in all of this, I really am!

I'm curious as well, you say "just now" so I take that you haven't spoken to her about this yet... is that right?
If not, I hope that you would... encourage you to do so. And talk to her about that last part that I emphasized. I'd love to hear what she says about it.

Regardless, I'm wishing you the best!! GL.

[pinkbutterfly]

Just now...yes meaning I wrote it and realized what I wrote, and realized it was true and then I added in the just now. I will see her on Tuesday, and I am definitely going to bring it up, I've journaled about it some, and plan to discuss it.

Thank you for your encouragment.

[elliemay]

I would encourage you to, as best you can, try to enjoy how you feel. Maybe just "try it on" for a bit. You don't have to commit to enjoying it, or trusting the trust all the time.

But, maybe for just a little bit each day you can just let yourself have the good feelings.