[haier]

I'm going through a really hard time right now. I really should be calling my T and telling her but I can't. Lately I've been feeling really bad about myself and my situation. We've talked about it in therapy. Sometimes it helps a lot when i go in and talk about it. But it wears off. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I hate feeling like i need to call her and talk so that i can keep going. That's so stupid to me. I have to figure things out on my own and make myself feel better. I hate that talking to her makes me feel better. Why can't i get over stuff? I really just hate this so much. Today i feel really bad and i want to do something to hurt myself so bad. But i can't do that. I can't risk it...that means I'm still sane. I think about the consequences and that's what keeps me from doing anything. I would loose too much. I can't take that chance right now. I don't know what else to do. I already tried doing some of the things to distract myself. I just feel like i really need to hear her tell me it's going to be ok and that's so stupid. I don't want to feel alone and she's really good at making me feel like I'm not. I feel stupid for writing this but it's all I've got right now. Honestly therapy has kept me going for probably the last 3 months. It's like i just think I'll go in on tuesday and everything will be ok again-i get some kind of strength from going and talking and when i see things clearer i feel better. I keep trying to do it on my own and i can't. It's so dumb. I hate this feeling. What does she have that i can't give to myself on my own. I hate that feeling that you need to have then tell you that you're a worthwhile person. I don't feel like that at all right now. I feel like trash. There's only one purpose for me here right now and that's my kids. I feel so alone and just pathetic. I don't tell my therapist how i feel about hurting myself, i don't talk to her about that because I'm scared to even mention it. But a think about it a lot. Especially lately. I don't think I'm serious about it...i couldn't do that and abandon my kids. I was abandoned and i don't want my kids to go through that. Still i think about what their life would be like without me. My car broke down today. I have to work tomorrow and will probably need a ride. I can't get a mechanic to look at it today and I'm stressing. My T says i need to work on this black and white thinking that i do. I know I'm doing it now. I'm trying hard to be ok. It's not the end of the world. I know my car will get fixed eventually. But i hate this feeling of uncertainty. Of not having anyone to turn to. Of having to beself reliant, fixing life's problems on my own. Feeling like I'm such a worthless human being that i can't get another person to just fix my car today because i need my car. I feel so desperate to get it fixed now and i have no control over this. I hate it. I don't know what my t would say, i just know she always has the right words for me and I'm trying to think what she could possibly say that would make me feel better and i don't know. I just feel so pathetic that she's all i have right now. Making life changes is so hard. I just think that ifi hasn't removed those toxic people from my life my car would be fixed right now. I'm trying to remind myself that it would come with a price though. My T said every time i go through something, an obstacle or difficulty..this past year. That when i come out, i come out stronger than before. That i need to remember that this is temporary and just hang on. I'm trying to do that today. Sorry this was so long. I do feel a little better.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Never feel stupid for how you feel and know that you're not alone. I know how hard it could be to reach out when it is needed and to feel bad/guilty about contacting T out of session. There's nothing wrong with you just because you need validation, support, encouraging words, etc. It takes a good amount of time to learn how to give those things to ourselves...Especially if you have been deprived of those things most of your life.

Sometimes, when we are lacking energy, we need to borrow strength, love, trust, confidence, hope, faith, and optimism from someone else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It teaches us to internalize those feelings and sooner or later, those feelings will come naturally and it will become easier to self-nurture.

So...Strength, love, trust, confidence, hope, faith, and optimism is being sent your way. Use as much as you need and don't hesitate to contact your T if you feel worse. Calling her is actually you taking care of yourself and your needs.

[LaborIntensive]

[haier]

Thank you. I feel a little better now. I really appreciate your kind and supportive words. Every little bit helps.

[Leah123]

I'm really sorry you're struggling right now. I think you show your strength by not hurting yourself, writing here instead, and I don't think it would be a sign of weakness to reach out to your therapist either. Humans aren't meant to live in isolation or to be completely independent. I think it's a sign of wisdom to appreciate how our therapists help us. Letting her support you doesn't mean you're weak or giving up control- you still get to deal with the car, raise your kids, put food on the table, live your life. If getting some emotional support from your therapist makes all that a bit easier, well, I've found it hard too, because I've always been extremely self-reliant and the strong silent type, but I given in to that desire for comfort and found it's a really good thing.