Out of session contact - roles reversed

Ok, so I decided I will keep posting, the situation has been resolved so if anyone feels triggered or bad about something I write, please don't hesitate to ignore me. I really understand.

Ok, done that part. Now to the actual part for today...
My last session with my T was Friday. I want to share with you part of a text message conversation that evolved over two days, initiated by her yesterday morning.

The first message was: Are you ok? I am worried about you.
So I replied and said Yes I am ok, have a weekend please! I'll let you know when I am not ok.
A little later it went: I know you, you will wait until Monday even if something is not right and I want you to know that you can contact me anytime.
I replied: I know, thank you so much, I appreciate it a lot.
She: You are incredible and I feel so privileged to be working with you. Thank you for making me part of your story.
I replied: Thank you, I enjoy working with you too, but you know that. So go now and have your weekend!
She: Sounds like you're trying to get rid of me :-) What is it that you're trying to avoid? [...]? I am struggling to bring it up too, I guess. But I want to talk to you about that before I see you next.
I replied: Well, we can talk tomorrow, right now I don't have energy for that and I am busy.
She: You're stubborn! But I understand. So call me tomorrow please.

Today, midday:

She: Ok, I was waiting for you to call, may I call you now?
Me: Hm, perhaps in an hour? Is that ok?
She: OK, what is going on? I am not trying to force you to do anything but I think it is important to talk before tomorrow. I am concerned now.
Me: Ok, I'll call you.

30 minutes later she calls me a bit pissed at me, asking me why I didn't call her. I told her that I was trying to build up some courage because I didn't want to have that particular talk at all.
So we talk, it's difficult, I feel bad. We hang up, both a tad emotional.

An hour ago she texts:
"Amelia, I am sorry you must be so fed up with my constant worry and texts. I just want you to know and feel that I am really here for you. I want to show you that you are important to me and that this doesn't change when I am not with you. I want you to know that you're not alone and that you can always and at any time count on me. Sometimes it feels like you don't believe it but it is true. Take care"

I just had to laugh out loud. This really was role reversed as in the beginning of therapy I would always start my texts or emails with "You must be tired of my texts by now"
And I would probably have wanted to write:
"I want you to be here for me and show me that I am important to you" etc. (Of course I didn't)
And here she is worried that she is annoying ME
Apart from feeling obviously cared for, this was too funny.

It definitely sounds like role reversal. Your situation is unique, but normally that would be a bad thing.

that really is kind of funny. but sweet lol

Ask her if she needs supervision. When i first started seeing my t, i warned him he would need supervision - not because i doubted his expertise, but because i was such a hard case.

Kind words are soothing to the heart.

It is sweet she cares so much, but she may need a very gentle reminder that this relationship is about what's best for YOU. It is bound to cause her some stress and anxiety, but she really needs to keep a grip on that so she doesn't cause extra pressure for you. Big hugs to you!

I agree with MKAC. While it is wonderful to be cared about, if you don't want to call you don't have to call. If she feels anxious about you not calling, that is her problem. The therapeutic relationship is awesome because you don't have to worry about her feelings - you just do you.

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I agree with this.

and it sounds like she's having issues handling this.

Just to put this in perspective - this is not unusual for us to talk like that and it's not unusual for her to push me on certain things. I am not very easy sometimes and need to be pushed. And the thing we needed to talk about was really important and if she hadn't pushed, I would have gotten into trouble. So I am really glad she did.
She has supervision by the way and her therapeutic relationship with me has different boundaries because I am a terminal client. Our relationship will inevitably end at some point.
She has sought advice from colleagues and this is just how our relationship has evolved and it is all within the "rules". It really is a different situation than a normal therapeutic relationship, so I am not worried at all any more. I just find it funny sometimes how I react to her, or she to me. And this today was so sweet and yes, a tiny bit annoying but not at all in a bad way really.

I just know it was difficult to put my own feelings aside when my father and my father in law were ill. My father in law was pretty clear that other people's expectations and anxiety and desire for him to reassure them made things worse for him. My dad kept trying to be brave, but privately with me, he shared how much harder it was for him to face his death knowing how anxious and upset my mother was. I just feel a bit protective about you and was worried that your T might inadvertently make things harder for you. I am glad it is working for you and that is not the case.

Oh thank you! I appreciate that very much! And you are right, she is affected and it is difficult for her to put her feelings aside. But she also knows she is the closest person I have and I think she wants to help me see that I can be vulnerable and weak with her. I have a hard times with that sometimes. I try to be brave and strong and I think she knows how I really feel sometimes and wants to help me access that feeling.
And I am really stubborn sometimes too, which makes it anything else but easy for her at times.

I wouldn't worry about "rules" and traditional roles or any of that. Just make sure that SHE is taking care of YOUR emotional needs and not vice versa. However that works for y'all is perfect. If you were happy with the transaction then that is all that matters. Therapy is for you - not for her.


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it can be really difficult for those close to us to handle their worry about us. i also have health struggles (nothing life threatening) and have found my mom's worry does make things harder for me. i know she feels powerless because there is nothing she can do, and is struggling to deal with that powerlessness, but it manifests as worry and needing more contact than i'd like to reassure her that i am okay. i get a lot of unsolicited advice as well. it unfortunately just makes things harder for me and i tend to withdraw from her because of it and then she worries more. what i'm trying to say is it is okay to set boundaries if you need to. it is hard for others to deal with their worry about us, but it is something they need to handle themselves without making things harder on us. your situation is a bit different but it doesn't mean you don't get to make your own decisions in your time even when that time is limited. i do understand that it can be hard to find the balance between doing what you can yourself and being vulnerable to let others help you when you really need it.

Dear Amelia

I regularly visit PC but sadly have little time to reply, except when I am taking a break from work, as I am now!

I wanted to say I have been reading your posts and find them beautiful and also very moving. I recently lost a close friend to cancer, and was with her till the end, and so much of what you speak of, and the struggles you are having, resonate with me.

I am also a therapist and can also understand it from the perspective of your therapist and her struggle to come to terms with your illness and all that entails. I want to say that I would probably do much the same if you were my client. I think what your therapist is doing is immensely healing for you, and also for her. Before being therapists we are also human, and that is so important - that we can act from our heart as human beings. As long as your therapist has her own support so she can be there for you without forgetting her needs then what a wonderful gift you can give each other. I also know that if I was in a similar place to you, my therapist would be there for me right to the very end - she would be able to do that for me - because she would want to and would feel privileged to do so.

I have laughed and cried reading your posts and feel so glad, yet saddened that you finally get to experience this kind of love and care, but in the knowledge that time is now short. I sense a real sense of urgency in your writing - to come to a place that is right for you, where you can finally rest knowing you are loved and someone is there, and also, to give something to others. I really hear how you have suffered in your life, but also how your suffering wasn't in vain - you are a beautiful person who hasn't allowed your bad experiences to shrivel you - you have grown immensely and have a depth to you that only comes, sadly, from suffering.

Thank you for sharing here so we can be alongside and also grow from your experience - it is a privilege to be able to listen.

I feel unable to truly write how I feel because words feel inadequate somehow, but hope something of it has been conveyed to you here.

With love and thanks

Moon xx

Thank you for posting. I know my therapist would do it for her clients if there was a need. I am hoping all the future therapist that read here are taking notes.

Hi Moon,

thank you so much for your reply to my post! I loved reading your words, they were so comforting, but you have also grasped so much of me! Yes, I have this sense of urgency - it all feels too fast, too much, too painful at times. And there, finally, is someone who understands me and my deepest emotions for the first time in my life, who for the first time in my life I was able to tell my whole story to, who taught me how to take my story and transform it into an opportunity.
I have grown, I was able to break some very heavy chains, I feel cared for and loved. And that, for me is a weird thing to say because I tried to always be the one who supported and loved others and when somebody loved me, it felt wonderful. But deep down inside I was wounded and broken and I needed my therapist to help heal that part.
And now, that I finally feel more whole than ever before in my life, I have to leave this life! It makes me cry sometimes when I think how much better my life would be now, how much more I could achieve now, how having a family would be possible, how I could truly be happy. But all I have is a couple of months life left.
So I am trying to make it worthwhile. And my therapist is here with me until the end. She will be the last person I see and the last person who will hold my hand when it's time to leave. And that comforts me a lot. I am young, I don't want to be alone and I am so very very grateful that I have her by my side. And that's why neither of us is worried about crossing boundaries. She is very secure in herself and knows how to take care. But she also doesn't hide when she struggles with this and I like that a lot because it helps me admit my own struggles a little easier.

And I am very grateful to have the support here on PC, it is an unexpected extra source of strength and comfort.
So thank you for walking with me on this journey for a while, it means so very much to me.

Amelia

I am relly glAd you have her. She sounds very very caring
I always think its funny when my t gets like that too, texts me or contacts me and stuff. Its nice though.

I wish my therapist would have shown such caring.

Jeff

Countertransference run amok. She is so sweet and kind but I think she needs to be reminded that she is the therapist and your needs are primary.

Right now I wouldn't want her to be any other way. Yes. There definitely is counter transference and it's the good kind. She says there is no way she can shut out her feelings now and God, I wouldn't want her to at all. My needs are unique and so is her care. I never thought for a minute that she doesn't have my needs as her first priority.
She keeps checking in with her supervisor who is encouraging closeness. I have never felt more cared for.

Interesting though.. When I wrote this post, I had a lot of difficulty accepting her care and concern. It was however exactly that commitment and her attempt to show me that it is important to let people in, that is now saving my days. Since then I have learnt so much and without her constant checking in, I wouldn't have learnt to depend on her and trust her this way. And those are the things that are now so important. With her and others.

I think she knows you well and that she wouldn't behave this way with you if she wasn't sure it was to your benefit. I know to the outsider it might look like she is more concerned with herself, but I don't think so. I welcome a certain amount of pushing from my therapist,too. Sometimes I want him to it know better than me and not just take everything I say at face value. I am happy for you that you have her.