Who would you be without your story?

This may not quite fit in here because I will only mention my therapist once in this :-) (But I hope it's ok to post it anyway)

A while back my therapist asked me
"Who would you be without your story?"

I thought about it for a long time and today I finally had the answer. It was just there, out of the blue and unexpected when I finished writing an email to a friend and ended with "Thank you."

And this may sound crazy and weird and I don't care!
I suddenly had this overwhelming desire to say "Thank You" for my life.
I realized that all I am today, I am because of my story. All I am, the good and the bad, everything that has driven me, that has made me reach for the best life I could have, all the people I have met, all the things I have seen - I have because of my story.
Becoming strong and resilient came out of being weak and powerless.
Loving people with this passion inside me came from knowing how it feels not to be loved. Knowing what happiness feels like came from not knowing what happiness was at all for most of my childhood.
Having humor, faith, ambition and compassion - it came out of a life that lacked everything.

I know, I'd rather not have my fears and my memories and I'd rather not feel the pain and sadness sometimes.
But this life I have been given has also helped me see so much that I might not have seen if everything would have been fine in my childhood.
I have to say "Thank you" for the challenges, because without them I would have never known how much I am capable of. And I would have never known the grace that comes out of overcoming the hardest challenges.

I have waited so long to reach this point, especially in my situation right now. I was so desperate to feel this and it just happened..

Do you sometimes think that without your story your life would have been so much better? Do you sometimes think about who you would be without the pain in your past? Am I just completely naive and delusional for thinking this way?
(Well, even if you think I am, I am still not going to change my newly-gained view because it feels so good and freeing to me right now )

With love,
Amelia

No this makes sense to me...its like when you've seen the worst of what the world is capable of and you worked hard and perservered and let things go and grew and all that happens to get to a place where despite all of that; you can see all the best of what life and faith and people and God have to offer... And some people who just cruise through life with out many obstacles never get to see that...or appreciate it...

I dont know if that is the best way to describe it but what you said resonates with me... I really appreciate you sharing your perspective...

I don't know. This is a very difficult question for me to answer.

I completely get what you are saying. I really wish my childhood was different. I would give anything to change it. However, I am the parent I am today because of my experiences. Would have I been so protective and able to show my kids love and affection? I have worked hard (with a lot of T's help) to find balance to allow my kid's to grow up and experience things but I also am very involved and even when they are traveling and such when I am not there I am in constant contact through text messages. Would I have more carefree and maybe allowed my kid's to be in more dangerous situations, etc.

I would be much happier not knowing some of the things I know due to to the nature of my experiences, they were crappy enough for me to think that no one needs to know some things. I know a lot of people that have had better lives than me that I consider great people. My suffering doesn't feel noble to me, I don't feel enlightened because of it, and I would be a better person without my experiences, no doubt.

I don't think suffering is ever noble. And I am not saying it's good that bad things happened to me - not at all. I think I feel that my life has made me who I am and I have only two choices - make the best of it and take my bad experiences and transform them into strengths, or carry my past like a heavy burden and regret everything I have ever done.

I know, I wouldn't have worked so hard to be good at my job or go out and experience the world in the same intensity. When I see what happened to people who grew up where I grew up and who didn't have to live in an abusive home, I know I could be them. And I know I wouldn't want their life at all.
Yes, there are great people out there who did not have ****** lives. But in my experience, and I met a lot of people due to the job I had before I got sick, it was those who knew how horrible it feels to be completely broken, who knew how to appreciate life in an intensity that made them inspiring.

I would love to un-know things, un-see things, un-experience things. But because I can't I have to make the best out of them that I can..
But that's only me, and I also know how crazy that must sound to some.

I get what you are saying, but I suspect without my history of abuse I would have been healthier and had so much less struggle to get where I am today. I come from a strong family, fantastic parents, good modeling and values, real stable family. I know my sisters, who did not experience the abuse I went through, have lived with more stable mental health, have not fought the depression and suicidality that I've had to deal with. Without my "story" of abuse, I would have found the me of today decades sooner.

I admire, your recognizing gratitude where life is concerned.

I certainly, wouldn't be me, without my story

Thanks for this thread, tonight.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

That is probably true.

Amelia, you have really given me something to ponder. Thanks.

I am still interested in reading your Christian testimony. .

I am sorry, I forgot! I'll send it to you in the morning, ok?

I don't know where I read this but there is a quote that is stuck in my head and that I wrote into my diary a few years ago.

"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame."

this is a great question and i've heard something similar. it's good because it really makes me think about all the good things that have come out of having a difficult life. it's all too easy to for me to focus on what is wrong. i don't think i'd care about wanting to alleviate the pain of others, even if it's in some incredibly small way, if i hadn't experienced so much pain myself. i probably wouldn't have faith as i wouldn't really see my need for it. if i'd known how to express emotions directly i wouldn't have channeled that into art & fashion instead. if i hadn't grown up in a town where there was so much prejudice i wouldn't have such an interest in people of other cultures & travel. there's probably much more and it's great to think about so thanks for posting this.

it's romans 5: 3-5

Ah, OK I didn't know that.. But it really makes me glad to know! Thank you!
I like what you wrote, so much of it resonates with me. Especially what you wrote about experiencing pain and how that made you feel more deeply for those in pain. I absolutely feel that way too. And my faith also resulted out of the darkest moment in my life.

Thank you for these words! You are a blessing to me.

Much love, Amelia

Sent from LifeTab with Tapatalk

amelia, you are a blessing to me as well.

have you ever read any ann voskamp? she has a blog and wrote a book called one thousand gifts. when she was very young she witnessed an incredible family tragedy and had a really rough time after that, but a few years ago she started this list of 1000 things she's grateful for. she would write 3 things each day and found it really changed her and she started becoming much happier by looking for the good in life instead of focusing on what is wrong. it became this cool challenge for her and she writes things like being grateful for the big things in life like her kids in addition to something as simple as the beauty of light reflecting off the soap bubbles when doing the dishes, lol. she's a very poetic writer. she got a bit of flack for taking some poetic licenses in her book but she is the real deal.

If I didn't have my story, I'd just have another story. I can't know if it would be a better story or a worse story. It would likely have parts that are better and parts that are worse.

"Who would you be without your story?" sounds like a good story/book title "The Storyless Kid".

My T and I did that once, discussed what I would have been like if my mother had not died. I use to play the game of going back in time to a certain age and knowing what I know now, what would I do differently but as I got more and more honest about things, I could think of fewer things I "could" have changed. Doing my homework and trying to help/interact with my stepmother better don't seem very big things. I still do not see how I could have helped myself be less alone/trapped in my own, immature, inexperienced head though. We did not have computers, cars, malls, etc. back then.

I don't know.
My story has given me such a determination in life.
I'm afraid if this hadn't if been my story, I may have just been a limp fish lol

Well I have to say - you have some good defenses!!

I used to be ok with my past while in my 20s, and part of early 30s in some ways. Then my defenses crumbled. Now when I think how my life could have been, I think I would not have to suffer with all the borderline and neurotic stuff that I have to deal with weekly, or daily in my life!

It would be so much better if I was raised by average parents. I think my life would be totally different.

This reminds me of a song from the musical Mathilda called naughty. It talks about changing your story and although its just a fun kids song it's always resonated with me

I would be a much better mom and person in general.

I like this post, it made me cry.

Without my story there would be no me. Without my story I wouldn't have my passion and my fire, maybe I wouldn't be depressed if my life was perfect but maybe I need to be depressed sometimes to be me, I probably wouldn't be as strong as I am now, I wouldn't love who I love. And, I wholeheartedly agree, I never wanted to be one of those boring people with an easy life. Life is like sad poetry, at least mine is. You've made me feel thankful too, for all of it, even what led me onto an internet chat room to know you and to make this very post, I am very grateful.

Wow, thank you so much for what you wrote here!! I absolutely love your words and I feel so grateful that you shared this here with me. I agree, and I am so glad that my story has led me here to this place and meet you and so many wonderful people who inspire me with their strength and attitude as well as with their struggles and vulnerabilities.

Thank you, this means so much to me!!

Much love,
Amelia

I guess I just don't agree with that and research doesn't back it up, either.

The most resilient people are not those from broken homes and adverse experiences on a whole do not contribute to resilience. I know an individual experience may differ, but on the whole this a scientifically supported fact.

Whether it is a fact that is scientifically proven or not, it doesn't change my experiences at all. The most incredible people I have met in my life where those who could feel really deeply because they have felt really deep pain. The strongest people, in my experience are those who managed to overcome incredible evil and are still able to smile.
Almost everyone I know in my life, and I know a lot of people, have some kind of difficult story and it's amazing to see what they have done to come around into a life that they enjoy living.
And those are the people I enjoy surrounding myself with.

I have been working creatively with senior citizens for years and we put on huge exhibitions. German senior citizens come from a very painful past. Almost all of them. And when I hear their stories and how they have managed to live their life still helping others, still fighting to have good lives, still believing in good - then for me that is all I need to be inspired.
I went with a group of people to Palestine years ago. We went into a little village where more than half of the children were orphans.
People there have seen horrible, horrible things. But the strength, the resiliency, the hope, the love in that village was overwhelming. I have never felt so much strength than there in that village where children saw their parents killed, when parents had lost their children in the most cruel ways. They have seen things that we will probably never have to see, and yet they fight every day with a hope and a smile. I don't need science to know why I feel so very drawn to them.

And that's what I am talking about - not the research, not the science.. I am talking about the real life experiences I had. And that is really not just on a rare individual basis as all many times. And I look at myself and I see a person who come out of horrible evil. Nobody ever taught me how to make good decisions, nobody ever taught me how to deal with my feelings. For the longest time nobody loved me, wanted me, thought I had any value at all. But yet here I am, able to see the good in this world, strong, resilient, curious, compassionate. Where did I learn this if not from something inside me that was sparked by a desire for a better life. Where did the strength come from?

The only explanation I have is that my story forced me to make a subconscious decision: Either I succumb to it and wither or I fight for everything I want with everything that is humanly possible.

I never made the statement that everyone from a broken home is strong and resilient. I know that many children who come from broken homes often suffer the rest of their lives.
But my actual statement was and remains: The strongest and most inspiring people I met in my life were those who have overcome great evil and can still smile and love life and inspire others.