[Asiablue]

In a call to my therapist, she made a comment that it feels like a precious gift when someone asks you for a hug and asked if i agreed and i was like
No one has ever really asked me to hug them (excluding my husband) but i couldn't answer her. I've never told her this but i have this suspicion that i'm unhuggable, like i give off "don't touch me" vibes or something, or maybe people just don't want to touch me, maybe i'm disgusting to people.

But her comment about seeing someone asking her for a hug is like a precious gift has stuck in my head. Do other people feel that way when someone asks them for a hug? How does a hug comfort you? What does it physically feel like to feel comforted by touch? I don't really know.

[blur]

[RTerroni]

You know it all depends, as I have noted before I really don't like hugging family members so when one of them asks for a hug I really don't want to give them one but I feel like I have to, on the other hand if someone who I know well (and maybe haven't seen in a long time) asks for a hug I feel very happy to hug and for at least a few seconds it feels very memorable.

[Leah123]

Awwwwww, you know, even if you fear you give off a stay-away vibe, I hope you'll risk asking her for a hug if you want one, now that you have her beautiful perspective on it.

Goodness, I'm not sure how to describe the feeling of a comforting hug, it's so warming, supportive, strengthening, and affirming. A hug is like being wrapped in the softest baby blanket or like a protective cocoon, a brief but deep way to connect when done mindfully.

When I was a young woman, I loved them so much from my first (best) counselor that I got a book about them, this book: New The Hug Therapy Book Keating Kathleen 1568380941 | eBay

I don't have it anymore, but I thought it was a neat, fun guide to how safe, therapeutic hugs felt and also about variations on hugs so lots of people could find one they liked in different contexts.

P.S. When I read your post again, I was reminded of myself in high school. I was struggling with my family (I left my father, was betrayed by my mother) and I was queer in an all girls' high school, dealing with PTSD so I was super-sensitive, and I remember just feeling completely untouchable- I didn't think anyone wanted to touch me, and I was so upset much of the time, I didn't want anyone near me either. But my counselor was so kind and supportive that when she started hugging me, it was like a wall breaking down, not just the physical hug which was wonderful but that emotional holding of therapy, where I could be furious and sob and just broken down and she could handle me. Thank you very much for jogging those good memories. I give you a BIG virtual hug if you want one. Actually, it makes me a little sad, atm, because my current therapist lives far away, so I only get virtual hugs from her, which isn't quite the same. Well, at least I get to talk to her tomorrow, and voices are pretty good at conveying that caring energy too. Maybe I'll ask over the phone for a hug, better than email hugs which are our norm, ha.

[junkDNA]

usually when ppl ask me for a hug im like ew no inside but i do it anyway. unless its like my mom or T or my sister or grandma . everyone else im feel like AHHH dont touch me

[unaluna]

At AA meetings everybody hugs. Altho mostly ive gone to al-anon and coda and arts anonymous and overeaters anonymous meetings, and it was over ten years ago. But it seemed so simple for everybody, and i wanted to learn how to be like that.

So you know how they say you replace all your body cells every seven years? So now 7 years later with my new t, all my new cells have been hugged, right?

[Leah123]

P.P.S. You asked what it felt like to be asked for a hug, and you know, sadly, that doesn't happen much to me, I think it's more common for counselors, teachers, clergy, I dunno, helpers. But I'd love to be asked for a hug, to be able to help someone feel better. My husband does ask me sometimes, and I always want to be there to support him.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Awwwwww, you know, even if you fear you give off a stay-away vibe, I hope you'll risk asking her for a hug if you want one, now that you have her beautiful perspective on it.

Goodness, I'm not sure how to describe the feeling of a comforting hug, it's so warming, supportive, strengthening, and affirming. A hug is like being wrapped in the softest baby blanket or like a protective cocoon, a brief but deep way to connect when done mindfully.

When I was a young woman, I loved them so much from my first (best) counselor that I got a book about them, this book: New The Hug Therapy Book Keating Kathleen 1568380941 | eBay

I don't have it anymore, but I thought it was a neat, fun guide to how safe, therapeutic hugs felt and also about variations on hugs so lots of people could find one they liked in different contexts.

P.S. When I read your post again, I was reminded of myself in high school. I was struggling with my family (I left my father, was betrayed by my mother) and I was queer in an all girls' high school, dealing with PTSD so I was super-sensitive, and I remember just feeling completely untouchable- I didn't think anyone wanted to touch me, and I was so upset much of the time, I didn't want anyone near me either. But my counselor was so kind and supportive that when she started hugging me, it was like a wall breaking down, not just the physical hug which was wonderful but that emotional holding of therapy, where I could be furious and sob and just broken down and she could handle me. Thank you very much for jogging those good memories. I give you a BIG virtual hug if you want one. Actually, it makes me a little sad, atm, because my current therapist lives far away, so I only get virtual hugs from her, which isn't quite the same. Well, at least I get to talk to her tomorrow, and voices are pretty good at conveying that caring energy too. Maybe I'll ask over the phone for a hug, better than email hugs which are our norm, ha.

I like your description of what a hug feels like for you. I wish i felt that when people hug me but i don't. I feel nothing, mildly numbed. Sometimes when i'm really upset i want nothing more than someone to hold me/hug me but when i get the hug i numb out. It's not all that comforting. I end up thinking what's the point in this?

I'd never ask for a hug from my T, when she said that i don't know if that meant she's open to hugging clients, or me specifically even, i think she was speaking in more general terms. I'm too scared of the rejection, of making her hug me if it grosses her out or something.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I like your description of what a hug feels like for you. I wish i felt that when people hug me but i don't. I feel nothing, mildly numbed. Sometimes when i'm really upset i want nothing more than someone to hold me/hug me but when i get the hug i numb out. It's not all that comforting. I end up thinking what's the point in this?

I'd never ask for a hug from my T, when she said that i don't know if that meant she's open to hugging clients, or me specifically even, i think she was speaking in more general terms. I'm too scared of the rejection, of making her hug me if it grosses her out or something.

I'm sorry you're scared. I think a hug from your therapist might feel different than the other ones. It's like any intimate touch, it can be amazing or blah or terrible, all depending on the person- I definitely don't find all hugs the same, I was just talking about ones in therapy, with someone I trusted and depended on.

P.S. I don't think she would speak 100% generically on a topic like that and not be mindful of her audience. I really don't. I think that she showed herself as someone very open to hugs, and I really think you're not nearly as untouchable as you fear, though I know it's easier for me to say than for you to believe.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I'm sorry you're scared. I think a hug from your therapist might feel different than the other ones. It's like any intimate touch, it can be amazing or blah or terrible, all depending on the person- I definitely don't find all hugs the same, I was just talking about ones in therapy.

P.S. I don't think she would speak 100% generically on a topic like that and not be mindful of her audience. I really don't. I think that she showed herself as someone very open to hugs, and I really think you're not nearly as untouchable as you fear, though I know it's easier for me to say than for you to believe.

I think i need that book Leah lol, learn how to give and receive hugs

[Leah123]

I totally recommend it! It's super fun, and you could like use it as a prop, show it to her and see if she wanted to try her favorite one with you or something!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I totally recommend it! It's super fun, and you could like use it as a prop, show it to her and see if she wanted to try her favorite one with you or something!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha

HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've just found it online for very cheap, i'm going to buy it.

[stopdog]

I am not a real huggy sort. Sometimes students hug me and sometimes friends (even though they know I am not huggy) if there has been a tragedy (like last year when one of my group died of her own volition). I do it because others seem to want it. It does not feel all that warm and safe etc to me. It sort of feels smothery and trappy and restrainy instead.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by hankster

At AA meetings everybody hugs. Altho mostly ive gone to al-anon and coda and arts anonymous and overeaters anonymous meetings, and it was over ten years ago. But it seemed so simple for everybody, and i wanted to learn how to be like that.

So you know how they say you replace all your body cells every seven years? So now 7 years later with my new t, all my new cells have been hugged, right?

When I was in a religious group in College everyone in the group hugged everyone else at almost every meeting.

Although I will say that when I was in that group hugs sort of became routine for me and lost a lot of their meaning.

[Asiablue]

I think it's ok to not be a huggy person. But i have an inner huggy person trying to get out i think. I want hugs and to give hugs but something happens and i just can't. I think i'd benefit from human contact yet i just can't do it.

[Leah123]

You totally can.

If you're scared to ask, you could write it down and give it to her. If you're scared to hand it to her, you could email her.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Just sayin.

I know it's scary. I was turned down by a therapist and it hurt, but I'd never have such good memories that are still with me, helping me today, if not for those hugs from my first counselor. I mean..... you're already presuming it's a no anyway, life's full of them, so you may as well ask for what you want in life.... if you're already expecting nothing... may as well shoot for the miniscule chance of something. I think it's how amazing lives happen, asking the hard questions. Anyhow, I'll hop down off my hug-positive soapbox, but.... try not to dismiss the idea so fast, eh? Let that inner-hug-seeker have a little room?

P.S. Glad you bought the book! Maybe I need to order it again too, and one for my T... then we could make our virtual hugs more sophisticated at least.

I've been dying for a hug from my T. I don't think he would give me one, even if I asked, especially since I've told him I'm in love with him. Wouldn't wanna lead me on...

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

Hugs come naturally to some people but it's o.k. if you're not one of them. For me, a hug is an expression of a feeling such as sympathy, happiness, appreciation, friendship or love. When I hug someone it means I care for them. Huggers can immediately sense when someone is uncomfortable with a hug. If you'd like to try hugging you can start off slow with a brief quick hug and work up to a longer one. I think you need to at least like the person you are going to hold close in your arms. Otherwise, a hug is meaningless.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

You totally can.

If you're scared to ask, you could write it down and give it to her. If you're scared to hand it to her, you could email her.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Just sayin.

I know it's scary. I was turned down by a therapist and it hurt, but I'd never have such good memories that are still with me, helping me today, if not for those hugs from my first counselor. I mean..... you're already presuming it's a no anyway, life's full of them, so you may as well ask for what you want in life.... if you're already expecting nothing... may as well shoot for the miniscule chance of something. I think it's how amazing lives happen, asking the hard questions. Anyhow, I'll hop down off my hug-positive soapbox, but.... try not to dismiss the idea so fast, eh? Let that inner-hug-seeker have a little room?

P.S. Glad you bought the book! Maybe I need to order it again too, and one for my T... then we could make our virtual hugs more sophisticated at least.

I would rather eat my own vomit than ask for a hug from my therapist.
I don't think she is opposed to hugs. She told me at intake that she'll hug clients as long as it's ok with them.

[Leah123]

Yep, there's that untouchable vibe you mentioned. You might not want to use that kind of verbiage when hug-seeking

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Cthrume

Hugs come naturally to some people but it's o.k. if you're not one of them. For me, a hug is an expression of a feeling such as sympathy, happiness, appreciation, friendship or love. When I hug someone it means I care for them. Huggers can immediately sense when someone is uncomfortable with a hug. If you'd like to try hugging you can start off slow with a brief quick hug and work up to a longer one. I think you need to at least like the person you are going to hold close in your arms. Otherwise, a hug is meaningless.

I can do brief hello/goodbye hugs. But longer ones, nope. And i think the problem is that i feel kind of numb during longer ones. Yet i long for that physical connection (not particularly with my T just anyone really)

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Yep, there's that untouchable vibe you mentioned. You might not want to use that kind of verbiage when hug-seeking

Lololoollool, yeah i know

[Bill3]

And i think the problem is that i feel kind of numb during longer ones.

What might underlie or be at the root of that feeling of numbness?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What might underlie or be at the root of that feeling of numbness?

I don't know. Fear maybe. Turning off my needs. I am aware of feeling a bit defensive or angry when i'm sad and my husband wants to hug me in comfort. I am trying to get better with that tho.

[Bill3]

If you didn't feel numb: what are the chances that you could do longer hugs?