[Leah123]

I have had therapy for about 14 months now. It's been unusually intense, most months I spent five or more hours a week in session and did lengthy email sessions in addition. I was doing the Jillian Michaels version of a psychological workout, I now realize.

I started therapy because I was falling short as a mother, but then began discussing my own childhood as a result, and I have been worried about my life basically exploding or imploding ever since.

I've gone through the therapeutic process of opening up to my therapist, coming to trust her, experiencing some ruptures along the way, and getting to the point now where I feel that while I find certain things difficult to talk about, that I have told her the most disturbing, and I now have nothing I would withhold from her. I learned on the way that my childhood, which I already knew was traumatic, had given me PTSD, which I hadn't realized, but made perfect sense once I learned about the symptoms, though it's hard to deal with that sometimes.

I also made incredible progress. I've made a number of practical and emotional changes in my life. I've returned to college (a lifelong dream, to earn my degree after dropping out of high school) and completed several courses toward a more fulfilling career. I have controlled my temper maybe 80% better than pre-therapy. I take better care of my daughter as I've worked through some of my triggers and understand her needs better. I have gotten my husband into therapy. I take better care of myself and am learning to relax a little more, which has always been hard for me. I communicate better with my husband and can relate a little better and be more honest with others too. I've even started managing my money a little better. I've also gotten promoted at work and received a couple awards, which is just to demonstrate that despite my fears, my life has not gotten worse at all during therapy and I haven't performed noticeably worse, though the therapy has been very difficult.

Yet I still worry some about therapy being destructive, I will note that it was harmful in one of the therapeutic relationships I had as a teen, so my fear isn't completely unfounded, but I think maybe today it's overblown.

I worry about depending on my therapist too much, about being addicted to her, about regressing, about losing my independence, about losing my family (that happened when I was young, partly in conjunction with being in therapy), about missing the family I have lost so much that I'll break.

The one negative effect of therapy I have experienced was spending too much, but I have cut back on the spending significantly, so I am feeling better about that. I'm down now, to an average of 2 one hour sessions a week, and one email in between, which I hate but think will be good for me in some ways. Less intensity and less expense mainly, though the less support part is hard.

I realize I have to ask myself a helpful question that I haven't asked lately: what is the worst that could happen, because I'm always feeling anxious now that I'm in therapy.

For example, one of the things I worry about: she read me a story for a few minutes yesterday, a fable, because I find it soothing to hear her voice and not feel pressured to do all the talking. We did typical therapy for an hour or so, then she spent 5 or 10 minutes reading to me. I worried so much though, that I was asking for something babyish, that I shouldn't open up that part of myself to her that wants the comfort of hearing a story or motherly nurturing, even though she doesn't mind and often sends me songs or comforting words and understands it's something I'm always short on.

I think I have to examine my fear. What if I let her read to me? What am I so afraid of....

Am I afraid I'll only want her to read to me and not do any work on my life?
Am I afraid I'll turn into a helpless person? (I'm well established in my life, stable home, stable job, school, family, all seem okay)
Am I afraid I'll feel comforted in a way I haven't for decades that will bring up enough grief to drown me?

I'm changing during this course of therapy. I'm getting more vulnerable. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, to be more emotionally open, to be a little more interdependent after being fiercely independent my whole life. I'm getting a little used to the idea of her being there for me, though I feel as clingy as a baby kangaroo at times.

I'm starting to wonder, even as I write, if some of my fear is old baggage, but I thought I'd post and see. Is letting her read me a story for 10 minutes or be around a lot going to ruin my life in some way I might not understand? I'm getting tired of the anxiety and tired of worrying about therapy and missing her between sessions but I think she's an excellent therapist and am so impressed by and grateful for her too.

[lightcatcher]

Leah you have a lot of insight into your own self and triggers from the past. After reading what you wrote I thought 'wow', you have gained such positive things from this experience. I don't think letting your T care for you be reading will do damage, I think it will heal the little bit of you that needs that.
I wonder too about becoming a helpless person and that this T journey will bring up more then I can handle. But in times like that I am reminded that I've already survived the past- so bringing it up now won't kill me, it might hurt but I've done it before (and this time I'm loaded with a great T - sounds like you are too). And like you said it could be good to be interdependent then strongly independent - this is also a struggle for me. But remember you've been independent so long it will take time and patience (with yourself) to make that shift.
Thank you for sharing! I can't help but retread it and see all the positives and self reflection you have gained. Well done!!

[Aloneandafraid]

Absolutely agree with light catcher. Well don Leah. You have learnt so much and have so much insight. Your post made me think a lot about my own T journey. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Thanks so much for sharing. Well done. I think you underestimate what fantastic progress and awareness you have.

[unaluna]

Idk. I see the reading by your t as a concentrated form of comfort. Youre spending less time overall, so you need to get a lot out of a little. Also i see it as a transition to including more of it in your life with your family?

Eta - when t and i sit in the kiddie chairs for a more intense talk, it was similarly usually only for a short time in the session. We havent gone there in a while.

[Raging Quiet]

Insight and awareness give us back our power and help us change our old life patterns.

[Asiablue]

I think it sounds like it's all going as it should, i think you've done a lot of work and if her reading you a story helps then go for it. I wonder if she'd tape it for you to listen to on you own when you need comfort? Would you like that do you think?
You've already let her be around your life a lot and your life has improved greatly so I don't think you need to fear than this interdependence will harm you.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Yet I still worry some about therapy being destructive [...] I worry about depending on my therapist too much, about being addicted to her, about regressing, about losing my independence, about losing my family.

I'm getting tired of the anxiety and tired of worrying about therapy and missing her between sessions but I think she's an excellent therapist and am so impressed by and grateful for her too.

Hi Leah, sorry that I can't be of help as much as you always are to me, I just wanted to tell you that I relate a lot. I started therapy to solve an ED and I was very cynical at first, almost treating my T badly, then I started to disclose and I've become the needy, worried girl that you see when you read my posts.
Now that I have to cut my sessions like you my biggest source of pain is that I won't be able to see my T regularly, as crazy as it may sound.
The less support part is very hard. Have we become dependent and vulnerable? Maybe - but I'm also sure it's because we are finally fulfilling some needs that have been ignored for a long time and maybe weren't even the reason why one started therapy. I think therapy is destructive too, in my worst moments. And it damaged my relationship with my family because they don't understand why I'm there.

I guess these moments of vulnerability are necessary, somehow healing and to be enjoyed as they provide our soul with the nourishment we need.
Thank you for sharing and really, well done for all your achievements, that's just impressing.

[Wren_]

Leah ... can you think what would happen if you stopped worrying so much?

I worry a lot as well ... and I've noticed that when I can escape the worry it is so much better in so many ways; then for some reason (or reasons) it returns

as far as being helpless and vulnerable ... I keep seeing more strength in you somehow

[blur]

it sounds like therapy has helped you tremendously and you've worked really hard to get where you are. that is fantastic. i think easing up on your worry about therapy will go just fine because you are so aware of the perceived risks for you. having fewer sessions should contribute with helping you stay on top of things. i think you've earned some R & R so i hope you can allow yourself to relax a bit. great job!