[rainbow8]

First of all, I'm still sick, but I feel a little better, so hopefully, I'll be able to go to my session on Tuesday. I'm still coughing and congested, so maybe my T won't want to hold my hand. That will be all right, I think. I feel weird, though. It will be 5 weeks since I've seen her!

I feel like I just want to sit there and look at her, which I know would be all right with her but will embarrass me.

I also have two real issues to talk about, but they are both making me depressed, thinking about them.

As usual, I wish I could cry with her--letting out my emotions that way. I always feel like there's stuff inside of me that doesn't get out.

I want to be mindful--present in the session, because it's been so long. Being so long scares me, though I've been fine. I think I'm afraid I'll get into that needy mode again. It was so nice not to "crave" contact with her, but going back may set if off again, and then I'll be disappointed and depressed. I need to connect with her, and not be self-conscious because it's been 5 weeks, but I think that will be hard for me.

I keep trying to remember how calm and settled I felt 5 weeks ago with my T. That didn't go away, and it WILL happen again, unless I do something to push it away. Idk, just my ramblings because Tuesday is almost here. I wish my cough would go away, too. Not feeling up to par--feeling kind of spacey, will hinder my session. Relax. Breathe. It will be okay. Right?

[Aloneandafraid]

Yes... relax, breathe... Focus on breathing in calm and breathing out anxiety (or something like that?!) I am so pleased to hear you're beginning to feel better although it's been hanging around a while? I am so pleased you have managed to hold on to that T feeling for five weeks - that's awesome! I hope I can do that eventually as at the moment I am in crave mode as you referred to. I am sure your session will be healing and that you will hopefully get a lot from it. You have done so well Rainbow. Sending love and healing hugs.

[someone321]

Please let us know how it goes - I am just in the middle of my 5 weeks break so I can totally relate.
I hope you will reconnect with your T easily and if you need any pocket rider on Tuesday I am in

[rainbow8]

I think it's only 4 weeks; I lost track. Still hard! Thank you for the replies. Someone, I hope the time goes quickly for you! I'll always accept pocket riders.

Thanks, alone. I'm sorry you're in "crave" mode. I know the feeling well.

Feel better, Rainbow. However it turns out, both you and your therapist will be able to handle it. I rooting for the both of you.

You will be fine rainbow, Breathe deeply and try and relax and good luck for Tuesday.

[rainbow8]

The hour will be over so quickly, and then it's 2 weeks again. I did so well, but now I feel afraid to see her! I don't know why. I'm just scared I will sabatage my session somehow. I won't look at her. Or I'll cough through it. I miss her but don't want to feel it because it was so nice NOT to miss her these 4 weeks, or at least 3 of them. I don't think I can concentrate on my issues yet; I just want to BE there and have her talk to me. Don't think I can handle talking about boundaries or my marriage, or even the clutter. I may have to try to calm down the whole session. The tea I'm bringing will help. Sorry for rambling; it's what I do best.....

[jadeprincess01]

hope all goes well for you , good luck

Thinking of you today, rainbow. I hope it will go well.

Good luck rainbow, if you need pocket raiders, I am in remember to breathe (hug)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's Tuesday, and I hope you're feeling better and that you and your therapist have a good session.

I hope today went good rainbow.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thinking of you Rainbow... Hope your session went well?

[rainbow8]

Thank you for the wishes for a good session. I just got home. It was okay, not totally satisfying but not totally unsatisfying. I wish it could have been double the time, though. I want to email my T about the session but I'll write about it here first, so maybe I can figure some things out on my own. I think I'll write a list:

Disappointing parts of session:

1. T wouldn't hold my hand or hug me since I'm still sick.
2. She didn't comment on my having lost weight (due to being sick). I'll probably gain it back but it would be nice not to!
3. She didn't comment on my new skirt (I don't have that many clothes so she usually notices something different).
4. I didn't look at her so much and when I did, I'm not sure I was mindful.
5. When I left, she said she was going to take a walk. When I drove down the street, I think I saw her walking and talking on the phone. It made me feel left out.
6. Because of my cold, I wasn't totally "there".
7. I felt better about her before I had my session!

Good parts of the session:

1. Even though she said we couldn't hold hands, she offered to have me put my feet on top of hers. I had heavy gym shoes, so she said I could take them off. That felt pretty good, though not as good as holding her hand, which I told her.
2. She looked at the video I wanted to show her, of my grandchildren.
3. I asked her where she got the phrase "place of landing". She said, from her SE instructor.
4. I could relax and feel settled, even stopped coughing when we did SE.
5. I said I felt it was wasting the session doing SE, but she said it wasn't.
6. I felt I had to talk about one of my issues, so I talked about my marriage.
She brought up "you have choices" again, but I said I felt stuck. We talked for a while about that, and I was glad I brought it up. She agreed that I might have to grieve for what I didn't have, and that I made a choice to stay even though I feel stuck. This subject makes me feel bad, but at least I talked about it.
7. I said the other issue was about boundaries and going by her house. She said we will put that on hold (time was almost up) for another time.
8. She let me stay about 5 minutes over.

Therapy is bittersweet. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm not sure if I will be as settled these 2 weeks as I was the last 4. She wants me to feel those feelings even without holding her hand, that the feelings will last inside of me. I will have to see how I feel later. Maybe I'm sad about my marriage, and not therapy.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you so much for sharing, Rainbow. It's really interesting to hear about someone else's session and the feelings - I can relate to. I really think you're doing great but I can also feel your confusion/unsettled feelings. I hope you can hold onto the good feelings. Take good care of yourself, Rainbow. Sending you healing hugs.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Thank you so much for sharing, Rainbow. It's really interesting to hear about someone else's session and the feelings - I can relate to. I really think you're doing great but I can also feel your confusion/unsettled feelings. I hope you can hold onto the good feelings. Take good care of yourself, Rainbow. Sending you healing hugs.

I appreciate your responding, aloneandafraid. I am glad that my writing about my sessions helps others, and not just me! I just sent my T a long email. For some reason, I had to write about the boundary issue that I haven't resolved with her. I may start another thread about it. I know the SE is beneficial for me, but I had wanted to talk about my marriage, and the boundary issue. There just isn't enough time anymore. So, she knows what's in store for my next session, unless something more pressing comes up.

I feel secure in my attachment to my T, and I know she cares about me just the same as always. Therapy is just hard, as you know.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

Thanks for letting us know how your session went. I am always curious to hear how things are going for you! I'm sorry you didn't get to hold her hand because you were sick. I know how much that means to you and helps you feel a connection to her. I'm curious why you have started wondering again about the issue of boundaries since you haven't had a problem with that lately. I read your other thread about it, and I agree that you should focus, not so much on how your t feels about it, but why you had felt such a strong need to do it. I think you have it partly figured out -- you have a desire to be in her life more than you can be. It could very well be related to the whole symbiotic/separation issue that somebody mentioned in your thread (I forget who!) It seems related to the whole concept of attachment and separation.