[Aloneandafraid]

My T is going on leave for three weeks. She told me she is going abroad next week so that means she is still around today. Last night I had a very difficult meeting which ended badly and I felt really responsible and needed to reach out to her - but I didn't because it felt too needy. So today, still very anxious about what happened last night, I went to work, had a really bad day - really bad. So I texted her. I was so worried she would be mad but I felt I needed to tell her what had happened. I heard nothing. But wasn't surprised. Hurt but not surprised.

But this evening! My son had an argument with his dad and left the house on his push bike to cycle over 15 miles to spend the night at a friends - my H wouldn't let me drive him there as he says we do too much driving around after him. He just let him go. He's 15. So we had a disagreement and he said some really horrible things. I feel broken, anxious about my son and just falling apart.

I texted my T again early eve to tell her about this and just to ask if she might be able to call me or send me a quick message just to get me through the next three weeks - I've heard nothing. It's now 11.35pm so probably won't now.

Why does this hurt so badly? I don't trust many people and I don't confide in anyone about my H and his rage. I am basically alone with zero support. My T is aware of this and it has taken me over a year to open up to her.

She has never shown me any warmth or love. I just feel like I sit with her for 50 minutes a week and that's it - no further contact should be needed. But I do need it sometimes. I feel like this has confirmed to me that when I was in real need she didn't respond - it's been all day. I am so hurt and humiliated. I don't want to see her after her break.

I am hurt, ashamed of myself for texting and feeling pathetic and stupid for even thinking another human being might care about me. I am just too much.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

[sweepy62]

I read your post, sorry you are hurting, I feel your h acted selfishly sorry, and sorry about your t not responding, has she not responded in the past? I would feel very hurt as well if I felt my t was non supportive. Did your son make it to his destination ok?

[BonnieJean]

Maybe your t shut her phone off as part of her time away.

[HazelGirl]

Some T's don't respond to anyone when on vacation. It's a policy they have. It might not have anything to do with you, although it is painful.

She's probably taken herself off the clock as of the end of the workday today.

[rainbow8]

I just lost my post to you and have to stop soon
Please stay safe! I'm sorry your T didn't answer
You deserve a different kind of T, one who is more nurturing.

[Parley]

I don't text my therapist but I doubt she'd respond to an email. She would want me to call her, I think.

I'm sorry I can't empathize with your needs. I don't grasp the concept on an emotional level but I think your being a bit hard on yourself. I'm hoping I'll learn to need from my therapist. I plan to accept it. ok, I'm hoping I don't grovel too much but whatever it takes. I don't think being in touch with your needs make's you pathetic and I doubt your therapist believes that either. I'd be thinking your were stubborn. No one calls 911 through a text.

[Leah123]

You asked if you were making too much of not hearing back. I don't think you're making too much of it at all. I would also feel hurt and disappointed, not to mention anxious and upset about all the things that prompted you to text her!

However, I also do not think her lack of response proves she does not care. I think it is more likely that she has transitioned into her 'away from the office' mode. I'm so sorry for the bad timing. I know such a long break must be very difficult. (Does she normally reply to texts, or is it something you've tried before?)

I'm glad you posted here in the meantime, did she happen to talk with you about a backup plan in case you wanted to reach out to someone while she was gone? I hope you'll be extra gentle and understanding with yourself while she's gone and take really good care of yourself.

I was hoping when you said your husband "wouldn't let you" go after your son, you meant he discouraged you.... do you feel unable to make a choice in this situation? I hope not. My husband and I sometimes disagree about how to best help my daughter, those are definitely the worst arguments, most painful, I've ever had. I know it's very difficult to feel torn between husband and child.

BIG HUGS!

[JustShakey]

I'm reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly at the moment. It's giving me a lot of insight into my own H's anger (among other things). It's a guy thing. I would guess he's just as upset about the fight with your son as you are and if he's anything like my H, desperately trying to forget about it at all costs.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling alone. It feels so hopeless when the people you care about the most are not there for you:-(

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you all so very much for you replies and for your support. My son did make it safely to his friends house but hasn't made the return journey yet. He will probably stay there today and come back this evening. The argument between him and his father and his father and me was just horrible. My H wouldn't let me take him as he says we can't afford the fuel to keep driving him everywhere. I can see they are both right but it got so nasty.

I know my T is still working today which is what makes her lack of response so very hurtful. She is on leave from Monday for 3 weeks. She has encouraged me to text in the past but no email or phone calls allowed. She also never does therapy over text but she does acknowledge receipt. In this text I asked if we could talk. I know it was bound to end in disappointment and me feeling abandoned. I am just too needy and I hate myself now for asking for her support. I don't have any other support except from here.

My friends think I am too quiet and don't stand up to my H. They have given up on me and I don't speak to them anymore about myself or anything really. They have disappointed me as well as my T.

This current non response (still no reply!) has really hurt me, especially as I know she's working today. I don't know how I am going to deal with this until I see her in three weeks time. There is no one else for me to see. She doesn't work as part of a team. I am just totally alone.

I don't want to talk to her again. It all seems so pointless. She obviously thinks nothing of me outside the hour that I pay for. Why does this hurt so much?

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your support.

[stopdog]

Can you find a therapist who is more available to you?

[blur]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and your T is not responding. Since she's out of town maybe you could interview some new Ts if you're open to trying another T. Also, have you considered something like co-dependents anonymous or another 12-step group for additional support? Since it's free (most people just throw a buck or two in the donation pot each meeting) it might be a good resource for dealing with your H. I don't know why but I have a feeling you might really like it.

[Lauliza]

I understand how you feel regarding your Ts non response, especially if she is not in vacation yet. It's the weekend so seeing or talking to her is probably not possible, and maybe she has not read your texts yet. It's possible she organizes client texts and wait until she is on the clock to read them. Try to remember that texting is not emergency oriented, so i wouldn't take her lack of response as a sign that she doesn't care, but just how she does things.

It seems like she is not a t that works for you though. I think you need help that goes beyond a standard to session once per week since it seems like the whole family is affected, not just you. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's hard to have an H with anger issues. I can relate to that as well as to being very passive - to the point where a couple of casual friends (luckily not my close friends) stopped socializing with us because they couldn't stand how I didn't stand up to him. What was most helpful way couples therapy but I know it may not be possible for you. But a t who is oriented in family dynamics might be more of use to you right now.

[Leah123]

I'm so sorry to hear all of that, it does make everything seem even more painful, knowing that she's still working apparently and that your husband's arguing about gas cost, seems.... extreme, is gas that much? 15 miles is what... $2-3? I don't know if there's anything worse than being the mother in between a fighting spouse and child, sigh. I so understand that.

I agree, with what Lauliza and other posted said about how it seems beneficial for you to have more support. I see a few options, like finding a new therapist while this one is gone, someone who is willing to do brief phone calls or emails or reply to texts, etc. I don't know if it's an option for you, but when I was dealing with my own issues plus family issues so intensely, I wouldn't have done well with one session a week, so much comes up if a family is in conflict like the situation you describe.

Even if you can't afford a second session, I think you might be able to find a T who would give a bit more, but also maybe support groups like mentioned would be helpful. I went to several variations of "Anonymous" groups, including Al-Anon and issue specific groups (there are a lot in some areas) and found it helpful.

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you all so very much for your replies and for your support. I can't tell you just how much this has helped me this weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do - I am so hurt and a little bit angry - but by the time I see her again I think these feelings will have passed. Do you think I should bring this up with her on her return and if so, how? Part of me really wants to tell her how upset I am but I am afraid of making her angry with me for being too demanding.

I think I could do with seeing someone else. But I don't know if I can face getting to know someone else again and going through all the explaining again.

I still worry about disappointing her by telling her I felt let down. Does this make any sense?

My son returned home today so that at least is one less thing to stress about!

Thank you again so very much for your support, friends. Xx

[Rive.]

Have you ever addressed out-of-hours contact with her Alone? As in, does she 'allow' it etc.?

I think you said she usually acknowledges receipt but seemingly, she didn't this time. Maybe you can start with this: 'I was having a really rough time and sent you a text on [date]. I was wondering if you received the text as I didn't hear back'. I would still advise to be direct with her re the whole warmth-connection issue and your needs, maybe agreeing on a compromise of sorts where she meets you part of the way.

I am sorry she can't seem to deliver the connection you aspire to but if you (both) can't work out a compromise maybe you could - at least - interview some other people to see how they 'operate' and see what is on offer. Or maybe try a different therapeutic orientation (not sure what hers is), if relevant. Otherwise, I am afraid this will continue to be a highly unsatisfactory relationship to you Alone. Just some friendly advice..

Could you try getting in touch with T again? I tend to think your T is probably really busy trying to get things in place before her vacation, she missed your message. Or intended to get back to you but forgot. It sucks when it happens to us, but hey, they are human.

I would mention something for sure if she doesn't get back to you after a second attempt.

I also don't think it's a bad thing talking to another T. Getting a sanity check on your current therapy situation and testing the waters could be helpful. I'm going Monday for a second opinion.

[OneWorld]

Could you use these three weeks to set up an appointment with another T to see if you click? Maybe you will find that a new T meets your needs better. Or maybe you won't, but it will have at least kept the therapy part of you busy.

[sailorboy]

The idea of my son riding his bike 15 miles at night is making me panicky. I think you need to stand up to your husband. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Have you ever addressed out-of-hours contact with her Alone? As in, does she 'allow' it etc.?

I think you said she usually acknowledges receipt but seemingly, she didn't this time. Maybe you can start with this: 'I was having a really rough time and sent you a text on [date]. I was wondering if you received the text as I didn't hear back'. I would still advise to be direct with her re the whole warmth-connection issue and your needs, maybe agreeing on a compromise of sorts where she meets you part of the way.

I am sorry she can't seem to deliver the connection you aspire to but if you (both) can't work out a compromise maybe you could - at least - interview some other people to see how they 'operate' and see what is on offer. Or maybe try a different therapeutic orientation (not sure what hers is), if relevant. Otherwise, I am afraid this will continue to be a highly unsatisfactory relationship to you Alone. Just some friendly advice..

Thanks Rive. I have addressed out of hours contact with her as I phoned her once after seeing her for around 3 months when I was having a crisis and she told me to go for a walk! When I saw her the following week she said it was not usual for clients to extend therapy outside of the therapy hour and that she would not do therapy over the phone or by email. I felt awful as she went on about her boundaries and I felt really bad. So I have never called her again. However, I did text her and she said that this is acceptable although she will never reply although she does usually acknowledge receipt just by confirming the date of our next appt. I ask her regularly if this is ok and she says it is as I think she realises I need this connection? I don't know. Usually she will ack receipt within 24 hours. I always struggle with this. She says she doesn't always look at her phone..... When she goes away she usually says it is ok for me to write to her (by post) but she didn't offer this on this occasion. Plus I had a really bad experience and really needed to talk to her as she is now away until 29 May. So I texted twice.

She practices Mindfulness and uses this quite a lot in our sessions. It also states psychodynamic therapy and cognitive therapy on her website. But I don't know which she is using with me!

I just feel like I am a massive nuisance but I wouldn't contact her unless I really needed her. I respect her boundaries and try so hard to be the good client. I always turn up, give plenty of notice if I can't make a session (only happened once in 14 months) and I always try everything she suggests. I try so hard to please her and to form a connection but she seems cold towards me, as if I am a nuisance and taking up too much of her time outside of session.

Thank you again everyone for your advice. I think I probably do need to look elsewhere but I feel,uneasy about it. I feel like just giving up.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by sailorboy

The idea of my son riding his bike 15 miles at night is making me panicky. I think you need to stand up to your husband. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thanks sailor boy - this is what made me contact her - I had a really nasty experience with my H over our son. There is going to be a lot of upset before things can improve I fear. I have so many different things going on at the moment. I really would only reach out if I was desperate. I am also totally alone in this. I feel abandoned by my so called friends who see me as being too passive. It hurts. And reinforces my worthlessness.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I understand how you feel regarding your Ts non response, especially if she is not in vacation yet. It's the weekend so seeing or talking to her is probably not possible, and maybe she has not read your texts yet. It's possible she organizes client texts and wait until she is on the clock to read them. Try to remember that texting is not emergency oriented, so i wouldn't take her lack of response as a sign that she doesn't care, but just how she does things.

It seems like she is not a t that works for you though. I think you need help that goes beyond a standard to session once per week since it seems like the whole family is affected, not just you. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's hard to have an H with anger issues. I can relate to that as well as to being very passive - to the point where a couple of casual friends (luckily not my close friends) stopped socializing with us because they couldn't stand how I didn't stand up to him. What was most helpful way couples therapy but I know it may not be possible for you. But a t who is oriented in family dynamics might be more of use to you right now.

Thank you Lauliza. I really relate to your post. We have also stopped socialising with friends because of similar issues. It really hurts and I feel totally abandoned by these people. I hate myself for not standing up to him. He is a cruel, callous bully and I should do something about it but I am frozen in fear. The worst thing is that it affects the children.

I am just really struggling at the moment and I am sure she was just busy and it was Friday afternoon when I first texted her. But I do feel I need to discuss this with her on her return. I have received lots of very valuable advice and support.

Why do i feel such an idiot and a massive waste of time?!

[JustShakey]

Alone, I think you should try checking out some alternate Ts. I think the situation with your T is mirroring that with your H and that moving on or even threatening to would empower you.
And you're not a nuisance or a waste of time. You deserve a T who will respect you enough to be there for you.

[Rive.]

Hm, she doesn’t seem too big on outside contact then. Even her acknowledgment seems a bit ‘clinical’. Does such a response generally help you? Could she compromise with a ‘sorry you are struggling’ or ‘i am there (for you)’ etc.

Objectively speaking, do you feel she is helping you: e.g. can you cope better IRL, does she help empower you, help re whatever you went to consult her for? Do you do periodic reviews where you both see where you are at, how to proceed & maybe adapt the treatment plan with the client's/your input? This might be of further help.

Whatever you do, please don’t give up. It is exhausting to keep trying but you have to keep fighting. There is no harm in interviewing around as a first step. You don’t have to commit to another T by doing so. But I think it would help to see what is around & how maybe someone else could fit your needs better (e.g. be warmer, show more caring and so on). It's just giving you more choices. Still, may I say that you are most certainly not an idiot or a waste of time!

You seem to be fighting on several fronts irl and it would help if you could rely on an external source of support or strength (i.e. T's) and use that strength to help build you up & you could then kick some butt (hubby for starters) so people treat you with respect. Fight for yourself, Alone and be your own best advocate.

If you didn't text until late Friday afternoon (you said evening originally, so I'm not sure of the timeline), she most likely was already done working. She may have gotten an early start, etc.