Coping with Changes in Therapy.

Today I saw my therapist after a two week break. For the two weeks she's been on holiday I've actually felt really calm, clear-headed and relaxed. But I was glad she was back today. However after just one session I am back to fretting and crying and fear about all the changes that are going on in my therapy. She has a new job and that has created some changes in time and length of session and perhaps her availability to me (tho not sure about that but it make sense that she'll be less available if she's working full-time hours)

It pisses me off that after a really good week, that I'm back to feeling so anxious again. I feel like I can't tolerate all the change and uncertainty. It makes me want to leave therapy altogether. Maybe an extended break would be good for me? I'm not cured by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes I think maybe I need to concentrate on getting a grip of my life, getting more balance and more people around me and do things I can't afford because of therapy just now. But on the other-hand I'm worried about leaving therapy and delaying my recovery.
I don't really want to give up on my therapy I've come too far to just give up. I just wish she didn't change things so much because I really struggle with it, and she knows this. I really like her as a therapist, I suppose I am bonded to her. I just wish she could be more consistent. Or I could feel more secure.
I'm so sad right now. Does anyone else really struggle with changes their therapists make?

It's always easier to get balanced while you're in therapy. Always.

Have you talked to your T about all these emotions and uncertainty surrounding the changes? Sometimes, just talking about it helps a lot.

Also, being anxious and uncertain in the face of change is totally normal. This relationship means a lot to you and it is changing. That would cause anxiety in anyone! So it's really normal what you're experiencing.

Oh, and TBH, I don't handle change well either. My T suggested EMDR once and I flipped out. (Needless to say, she abandoned the idea. ) So I do understand.

Yes, we have talked quite a bit about how and why change affects me. Some of the changes are outwith her control and other things have about her being inconsistent with some things. But it's all mounting up and I can never fully relax with her or take her at her word because so much has changed in the past few months. But this new job of hers has really thrown me. I think I've been a bit spoiled with her availability to me since we started, but i think that's now going to change. It makes me feel like I'll be too much for her, that I'm an aside and not her main priority, her new job is, with her new clients etc. She has tried to reassure me about all of this but since I can't trust her not to go back on what she says or promises combined with my abandonment issues anyway...I don't have much faith right now that she will live up to her promises.

I remember with the Therapist who I saw for 4 years, we changed rooms (and offices) a few times and it was hard adapting to the change at first but I slowly got used to the change.

I know therapy *can* be really healing, and I have a lot of faith in and even enjoy the therapeutic relationship, but I don't believe it's always easier to get balanced in therapy at all.

Therapy creates volatility, which can be helpful for change, but also very agitating and can increase imbalances, sometimes temporarily, sometimes longterm.

I do feel for you Asia, I know therapy makes me feel the same way and when my therapist cut phone session times or had to be away a while or make other changes, it was definitely very upsetting to me.

One suggestion is to share this with her and ask her to help you manage these feelings: my therapist has some pretty decent tricks to cope with anxiety and unease, when I have the presence of mind and courage to ask for them, I've often found them super helpful. Also though, she's just come off a two week break and now you're dealing with these changes- it might just be that if you can accept your emotions right now, they'll settle quite a bit during the next week as you get back into a routine.

She is really open to discussing how I'm feeling about things she does that are affecting me, good or bad. I really like her and in many ways she's a really great therapist. But this inconsistency and change all the time is driving me mad. It makes me want to just run away from it all.

And my husband made a good point when he said "what's the point of feeling ok for an hour a week and the rest of the time you're crying and anxious and sad?"

Asia, it takes time. It sounds like she's working to be more consistent so that you aren't so confused or unsure. But to make that happen, some things have to change now to make them more consistent.

yeah, maybe.

Well, the point would be that you're changing in positive ways, making progress on your issues, but... if the pain is outweighing the progress, then... probably a good time to see if you can ease the situation somehow...

on the other hand, it's true sometimes how therapy makes things seem worse before better, so... if you think it's helping but still feels bad... do you sense it'll get better, does she?

Also, I think it's probably worthwhile to see how the new schedule settles out if she says she will still be there for you, and I know she cares, but if it does turn out to be an issue where she can't be there enough, you could consider someone new, but again... I think it's probably harder right now than it will be in two weeks from now.

Yeah, I do need to see if it all settles down but ya know.. patience. It isn't my strong point. And neither is sitting with this a whole week.

I'm going through a similar problem - my t abruptly left his practice (he won't tell me why and I think it wasn't a friendly parting of ways) and even though he assured me over and over again that he wasn't leaving me and that he still wanted to see me, I feel like extra work for him and am convinced that one day soon he'll be telling me that he can't handle his former patients because his new ones are his priority. It's caused a real trust issue between us; I'm afraid to open up and let my guard down because I'm convinced he's going to abandon me (and in some ways it feels like he already has).

It's a horrible way to feel, you have my sympathies.

Do you think it's more about abandonment issues than it is about change, or have you always had issues with change and uncertainty? Won't it be more change and thus, more stressful if you take a break?

I totally get the anxiety about inconsistency/uncertainty/change. It's huge with me. Former T told me that consistency is very important. Although more implicit, my current therapist seems to make consistency a priority as well.

Issues with uncertainty-

Could the anxiety be related to the possibility of not being in control of yourself; losing control? forgive me if this sounds strange. I think, though, this is what is sometimes behind the anxiousness of uncertainty. It goes along with OCD too....

You've made a good point. The anxiety surrounding change is the perception of impending loss or abandonment. Change that isn't in my control probably has to do with inconsistency in my childhood, a time when i had no control over the changes in my life, I had little stability and people came and went as it suited them. I felt like they hadn't made space for me in their lives. So that's also where the anxiety comes from; change = loss for me.

asia, i was reading your blog the other day and i wondered if getting a part-time job would solve a couple of problems for you. it would give you the money to see your T twice a week, which i know is something you want, and get you being around others consistently. i think it could be a good solution to either being in T or quitting outright.

Change is hard - my T has put some new furniture in his room and I just about coped with that as he told me first but now he has to move the clock and he's talking about painting the walls a different colour and I'm so annoyed. And that's trivial compared to what you're talking about.

I personally think reassurance isn't that helpful as you don't believe it so hearing it over and over won't help. Would it help to have a more practical discussion about how things will work going forward - how much time is she allocating for you, can you keep some fixed therapy times, would she prioritise you,etc?

I have a debilitating illness that has made it impossible for me to work, otherwise that would be a perfect solution.

We've had that talk about practicalities. I've told her this morning I want to take a break for a few months but she's asked me to go in for another session this week to process that. But TBH that feels like a painful option.

*Update*

I have an extra appointment on Saturday to discuss taking an extended break from therapy. I have no idea what I want to do. I don't want to give up therapy per se, but I don't seem to be coping too well in between sessions and with all the changes that seem to happening just now. I don't know what the answer is.

Maybe she could give you some skills and tools to ease your discomfort. Distress tolerance work. Hope it gets better soon!

Maybe. I hope she can come up with something.

I understand Asia it's like as if an earthquake hits the relationship , and then everything seems to be ok , buthe the aftershocks are a b I t c h to deal with = in between sessions

Right now it's a struggle for me in therapy, I want to trust but I don't, don't want to get hurt again, I want to get close to her then I pull away, I feel a connection, then I shut it out, I am angry at her, I think she is trying to rush me out of therapy to get me out.

I get it .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah exactly! The aftershocks are the worst. I'm in total freefall at times.
But it's definitely not being helped by her inconsistency.

This sounds really hard. I'm sorry.