[pbutton]

I had a really rough session. I couldn't force myself to speak. I was angry with T (he invited me to tell him what was wrong with him, but I declined). I was mad at myself, both for my attempts at talking and for blocking myself from talking.

I talked about leaving early and asked how long I needed to stay for him to bill insurance. I also said I was worried about how crappy I'd feel if I left. He told me I could try leaving and coming back and that he would wait around for 15 minutes for me to return.

I hemmed and hawed. We moved on... to me refusing to talk about other topics.

He said "do not use this against me, but you've been here 35 minutes, which is long enough for insurance."

I went ballistic. I said he OBVIOUSLY wanted me to leave. He flat out said "I do not want you to leave." I said there was no other reason that he'd SAY that if he wasn't trying to get rid of me. Despite what he was saying, I decided he was trying to get rid of me and it HURT.

I got up, he asked me to wait for a second, but I said no. I left the building. I sat in my car thinking I was going to burst into tears, but by that point I had gone completely numb.

I drove off. As I was driving down the street, I knew I was locking myself into feeling HORRIBLE about him and therapy and that I was at a really HIGH HIGH risk of quitting just to prove my "point", whatever the hell my point was.

I kept thinking about him telling me he'd wait for 15 minutes after I left. He's also told me several times in the past that if I ever leave and I am really upset that it would be a good idea for me to come back inside. (I'm usually the last client of the day.) I kept replaying these things. It felt like an internal BATTLE.

I got to the end of his street, turned around my car and I went back to his office. I was praying that his car would be gone, but it was not. I went back inside. (thrashing about and mumbling to myself, I am sure) He had the door to the back wide open. His phone was ringing so I sat down on the arm of the waiting room couch. He ignored the phone and said "come on back" but I was so out of it that I couldn't get up.

He came out to get me. I went back to his office, but I stood in the doorway. I told him that I was amazed that I came back. He said it was a major breakthrough for me and that this was REALLY hard stuff I was working through.

In an email this week, I'd mentioned something about rocks, and half-jokingly told him that I'd wanted a rock from him. He handed me a rock.

I continued to stand in the doorway and told him that I hadn't really thought through what would happen once I came back in. My mind had been too busy fighting out what I wanted to do. He sat down and started talking to me. Eventually I perched on the edge of my usual seat. He tried to talk a little about healthy interdependence and unhealthy dependence and how I could differentiate between the two... but I really couldn't get past the fact that I came back inside. That was just so HUGE for me.

I left at my normal time. He did ask me if I was going to leave him a second check since I'd thrown one down the first time I'd departed that day. No, T.

I'm still in shock. I took charge and chose the action that helped me feel better. I won't lie, part of me still wishes I'd chosen the more painful route and stayed away from him. My mind is still reeling about this.

When I got home from the session, I saw that while I was gone, he'd emailed me to tell me that he had a rock for me.

I am way too attached to the damn rock.

[tinyrabbit]

I read this and gave you a big round of applause in my head because you did so well to go back. Honestly, that was absolutely stunning.

I kind of love your T for still being there and for giving you the rock.

[unaluna]

Im jealous! My "huge" things are like this big "." ! What can i say, im obviously the subtle type YOU GO, GIRL! I would be absolutely too afraid my time would be up, that hed be gone.

Wow! You are amazingly brave!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Way to go!!!! Sounds like some huge progress was made.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I kind of love your T for still being there and for giving you the rock.

I kind of love him for those things as well. I also kind of HATE him for it, because if he was a crappier, less capable T, well then, I'd have a perfect excuse not to trust him & I wouldn't have to work SO HARD on myself. Hmph. Curse the man for his dependability and awesomeness.

Originally Posted by hankster

I would be absolutely too afraid my time would be up, that hed be gone.

I was afraid of this as well. I was terrified that I'd show up and he'd be getting ready to walk out the door and I'd look and feel like a complete a s s. I was afraid I was setting myself to be more hurt when I got there and he'd already taken off, glad to be rid of me and happy to end his workday.

[Parley]

I really enjoyed that story. thank you for sharing but you know what they say, pics or it didn't happen. ") I'm curious about your rock because I have a rock too. But mine didn't come from my therapist.

Congrats on the break through. I hope mine goes just as well but I'll probably lose my dignity and try to steal hers before that happens.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I kind of love him for those things as well. I also kind of HATE him for it, because if he was a crappier, less capable T, well then, I'd have a perfect excuse not to trust him & I wouldn't have to work SO HARD on myself. Hmph. Curse the man for his dependability and awesomeness.

I know, right? You don't have anywhere to put him, darn it

[Leah123]

I have done that too and it's been very painful but so rewarding. I too give you big applause for that breakthrough and I totally get how important a rock can be.

[likelife]

I'm amazed at your courage, pbutton. Well, well done. I think I'd still be sitting in the parking lot

It's funny how much significance a rock can take on, isn't it?

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by likelife

II think I'd still be sitting in the parking lot

When I read this, I suddenly remembered that at one point I asked him "Is this really happening? Did I do this?" because I was a little afraid that I WAS still sitting in the parking lot.

Awesome, pbutton.

[Jordy]

congratulation on the breakthrough! I wish I had this much courage...

[pbutton]

Annnnndddd... because progress is NOT a straight line....

I sent him an email earlier and ended it by saying "Thanks for being there".

I feel like such a moron now. Sappy, dramatic weirdo. UGH.

Learning new skills... learning new skills... this is where I struggle.

Besides, if I'm not busy calling myself sappy, I like to say that about T. So it's not like he'll die from my dramatics.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Annnnndddd... because progress is NOT a straight line....

I sent him an email earlier and ended it by saying "Thanks for being there".

I feel like such a moron now. Sappy, dramatic weirdo. UGH.

Learning new skills... learning new skills... this is where I struggle.

Besides, if I'm not busy calling myself sappy, I like to say that about T. So it's not like he'll die from my dramatics.

Haha, that sounds like me! "Ugh! What was I thinking! I shouldn't have been so honest with my T! She doesn't want to hear about my emotions!" all the while thinking of how expressive and honest she is with hers.

Great job PButton.... you are very brave indeed!

[likelife]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Annnnndddd... because progress is NOT a straight line....

I sent him an email earlier and ended it by saying "Thanks for being there".

I feel like such a moron now. Sappy, dramatic weirdo. UGH.

Learning new skills... learning new skills... this is where I struggle.

Besides, if I'm not busy calling myself sappy, I like to say that about T. So it's not like he'll die from my dramatics.

Sounds like he'll welcome them with open arms

Not that I think you're being dramatic at all. I totally get that place, the oh hell, what did I just do? place. I had my own such moment this afternoon.

[feralkittymom]

I think it's amazing you left, let alone went back! Only in my mind could I have done so...too paralyzed to actually get my body to follow through! Well-done!

[someone321]

Thank you for this story, you are incredibly brave And I like your T for being there for you

[AllyIsHopeful]

Good for you. That took a lot of courage!

[junkDNA]

thats good work. ive bolted out of my Ts office a few times. he usually calls me if i do that. except one time he was trying to put me in the hospital and i ran out of his office and got into my car and he followed me writing down my license plate number and said "you dont want to do this" and i said "LEAVE ME ALONE" and drove off. he called the police on me but they didnt find me and i ended up going back to the campus. he just said "im so thankful that you are safe". it was hard to go back or answer his call after i leave in a huff. thankfully we have a more secure relationship and i dont do that anymre

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I am way too attached to the damn rock.

In college, my EOPS counselor used to give students (the ones who were close to her) rocks. They were the translucent, colored, polished glass rock that you would use in a flower vase.

She called them "warm fuzzies". You keep it in your pocket, and whenever you felt nervous, sad, scared, etc., you just hold the rock and rub it between your fingers to warm it up. This was to remind us that she was always there for us even if she couldn't be physically, and the warmth would remind us of the warm feelings we have for each other.

I still have my rock and I haven't seen her in 7 years

So I don't think it's weird to be attached to a rock or any object for that matter.

Thanks for sharing You did great too. Plus, I love your avatar