[Mactastic]

I have been in psychodynamic therapy for 10 months. In a lot of of ways it's been a healing and eye-opening experience. Even though I keep him at arm's length it's still the closest I have ever let anyone get and this feels both really repulsive, exposing, and vulnerable while also feeling exhilarating, comforting, and safe.

But for some reason I have a really difficult time believing this relationship is real. I have talked pretty openly about this with my T and was the topic of conversation last night. No matter how many times he tells me he cares, that I'm safe and respected, and I can have his time until I say time's up I can't believe 100% that our relationship is real. This causes me so much hurt and pain. I'm fairly convinced his caring is only contingent on my paying my bill and that he doesn't genuinely care or think about me between sessions or that I affect him whatsoever. My T really suggested that I learn to let go and believe him that he cares and that I matter to him but I'm struggling so bad!

I have strong transference feelings for him and he actually started reading that famous book In Session to try and get a better understanding of the depth of my feelings. That felt so amazing to hear (and I saw the book on his desk, I know he's not lying) but I still feel like this is some kind of game.

Does anyone else struggle to bond with their therapist? Did anything help? I don't feel like I can really start to make genuine progress with my T until I can believe in our relationship without reservations. He makes me feel so empty and so special at precisely the same moment. One reason I struggle (and I brought this up) was that the one-sided nature of the relationship makes it feel so fabricated. I don't know a thing about him and this pains me deeply. I'm in love with an image and attached to an idea of a person but disconnected from the human beneath the facade. Ugh, am I making any sense?

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[sweepy62]

I am having a hard time bonding, I been with my t for about 4 months, if you have read my previous posts, this is my 3rd t, my 1st t i worked with for over a yr, she left for another job, i was heartbroken, we didnt finish our work together, my 2nd t, of over a year, deep connection, she left for another job, she transitioned me to this t, so I have problems trusting and connecting as you can see why. The one sided relationship does freak me out, she does disclose about herself, but at time it seems so artificial, I do not want to know much more than she discloses, but I have a hard time believing she cares a whole bunch, I mean i think she cares for that hour every week, and thats it. I need a bonding connection in order for this to work though.

[HazelGirl]

Yes I struggle. No, nothing anyone did helped except that my T kept showing up every week and she didn't change who she was. She is still the same person with the same level of care and the same responses and compassion than as when I first started seeing her. It really just takes time and experiencing over and over and over that your T isn't changing. I think I am finally just starting to trust that and accept it, and I've been in therapy for two years.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I have been in psychodynamic therapy for 10 months. In a lot of of ways it's been a healing and eye-opening experience. Even though I keep him at arm's length it's still the closest I have ever let anyone get and this feels both really repulsive, exposing, and vulnerable while also feeling exhilarating, comforting, and safe.

But for some reason I have a really difficult time believing this relationship is real. I have talked pretty openly about this with my T and was the topic of conversation last night. No matter how many times he tells me he cares, that I'm safe and respected, and I can have his time until I say time's up I can't believe 100% that our relationship is real. This causes me so much hurt and pain. I'm fairly convinced his caring is only contingent on my paying my bill and that he doesn't genuinely care or think about me between sessions or that I affect him whatsoever. My T really suggested that I learn to let go and believe him that he cares and that I matter to him but I'm struggling so bad!

I have strong transference feelings for him and he actually started reading that famous book In Session to try and get a better understanding of the depth of my feelings. That felt so amazing to hear (and I saw the book on his desk, I know he's not lying) but I still feel like this is some kind of game.

Does anyone else struggle to bond with their therapist? Did anything help? I don't feel like I can really start to make genuine progress with my T until I can believe in our relationship without reservations. He makes me feel so empty and so special at precisely the same moment. One reason I struggle (and I brought this up) was that the one-sided nature of the relationship makes it feel so fabricated. I don't know a thing about him and this pains me deeply. I'm in love with an image and attached to an idea of a person but disconnected from the human beneath the facade. Ugh, am I making any sense?

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"Did anything help?"

Time.
It takes as long as it takes.
It's perfectly fine that you're not convinced of the permanence and sincerity of this relationship. Trust is experiential, not something that it helps to try and force.

Also, you may be expecting too much to think you can't make progress without believing in the relationship without reservations. Reservations are normal in all relationships... maybe you're idealizing the outcome here in the rush to feel more comfortable.

Therapeutic relationships are unusual ones and require some adjustment to normalize.

[stopdog]

I don't try to bond with the therapist. I don't think it necessary to believe I have a relationship with a stranger I pay to sit there and not do anything in order to find some bit of benefit.

I really, really relate, Mactastic. Letting this person closer than anybody ever before, but still at arms-length, and really wanting to think that what I say affects him in some way, in any way, or that he sometimes thinks of me between sessions... gah, yes, all of those. You are braver than I am, though, to be bringing these things up. And please be aware that a T, even a psychodynamic T, does not have to say that he cares, so your T is not saying that as some kind of obligatory empty phrase. Trust me on that.

[unaluna]

Its like believing a cast will heal your broken leg. Pretty simple there. The next step would be, rejecting an organ transplant - you have to take drugs for that. So for a t, the rejecting is part of the "disease" - you dont know if you can trust the relationship. But you wont heal until you do trust the relationship, ie, lean on the cast, stop rejecting the organ transplant. Youre not going to walk around forever with a plaster cast on your leg.

[Ford Puma]

I some times have the fear my T neither trusts me or believes me when I talk.
I never ask as I know she will say 'of course I do' the predictability of it all... on one hand I tell my self to give it up and on the other hand I know I would miss her after a few months ending up with me going back to her.
What to do.... what to do....

[RTerroni]

I try as best as I can, I believe I had it with my first (adult) Therapist as well as my outgoing one (I really don't think I had it with the person in-between) and I sincerely hope that I have it with my next Therapist.

[Virginia1991]

I can totally relate. I wish I knew the answer. I think, although difficult, talking about it is best. Yesterday I managed to question if I should continue therapy. When asked why I was only able to manage an "I think I like you too much". She took the lead from here. Attempted to normalize my feelings. She asked the right questions and I was able to stutter out a few short answers. But basically she was there with me and let me know it was ok and because I that I think I will be able to slowly reveal more and more each time(if that makes sense).

[Salmon77]

I don't know if I need or want to believe in the therapeutic relationship as a "real" relationship. It's a work relationship, is how I see it. And the idea is that I'll stop needing it and I won't see him anymore, so why get attached?

[Wysteria]

hey...

I have fought with this notion so much over the last 4 yrs or so of my relationship with my T...
The best way that I can finally reconcile things in my own mind, is that this is a relationship...and my T cares about me very much just like I care about him. Without this caring (and love), there could not be true trust and authenticity within the relationship.

It is a very specific kind of relationship, though, and has boundaries that are firm and discussed in advance for My protection and for His protection. Being paid, how we communicate, confidentiality, the length of my sessions are all time-honoured protections for both of us. I know that he does not want me as a partner or friend...just as I don't want him to be my partner. I owe him no sex or lies or protection of his ego.... That is refreshing and healthy. He protects himself and me by not wanting those things.... He keeps our space "sacred".

How we relate to one another, how I reacts etc...are all "data" for how I see the world and how he does. With what I say, how I say it, how I control or don't control emotions, my logic, my attention, demeanor, etc are all part of the process. He has his process and me mine. It is up to him to interpret and strengthen it. And it is a process and takes time. Some are able to learn and get what they need fairly quickly....some take years. He helps me to learn how to respond and be different...which does change brain chemistry and will eventually lead to more contentment and better relationships in real life.

In a way, it is like parents that want to be "friends" with their kids. It is inappropriate. There are boundaries we don't cross for their sake and for ours. I love my boys, we can talk about almost anything, but when I make a decision, it is in their best interest and mine and it is NOT a democracy. It is my job to protect them, love them, mentor them, teach them, play with them, show them how relationships and society work, etc. I am NOT their best buddy. I'm not a yes man nor going to tell them it's okay when it is not.

So it is a relationship, with boundaries, it is a professional and loving relationship unlike any other...it is a safe place to learn and process and be cherished and mentored. It is not like any other relationship, but teaches me how to have better connection and be responsible and loving. Safely.

I hope this didn't confuse things too much....and might help a little. It is just my opinion that I have fought hard to get to...it may not relate to you at all.

Best wishes for a great relationship with your T...be patient...

WB

I was with a therapist for seven years. I struggled badly to bond with him and trust him. I finally was able to trust a little. I worried ALL the time about what you're talking about. He always assured me he would NEVER give up on me if I didn't give up on myself. He totally lied and the therapy relationship ended badly. I learned a lot from it though. I learned that maybe therapy for me needs to be more about the tools and less about the relationship because I can never have what I really long for and that is a deep, meaningful relationship with someone and would that even be appropriate for therapy? I am in therapy again, but I have very low expectations and am very guarded. I think it's probably best to NOT allow yourself to get too close because therapy won't last forever. I always hope though that everyone else's therapy will end better than mine did. That would be so much healthier.

There just aren't any easy answers.

[Wysteria]

just a PS...

Probably was dumb....but writing what I said below helped me a lot...don't know why...but have really been struggling and it sort of reminded me what a great T I do have. Sometimes when I'm struggling, there is disconnect....and it has been happening lately.

Anyway, I emailed it to him.....

He emailed me back and told me that he felt more connected to me than ever and was glad I had shared it.
I'm glad I said it to him in an email...I forget to tell him how much I appreciate him sometimes...
T's are people too...lol

TC,
WB

[granite1]

I honestly don't have a clue about if I am bonded or not with my T. one moment I am having a horrible time in life and want nothing but the safety of her office. I get there and I am terrified I cant talk to her ,she is horrible in my mind. I don't know what to think. I get so confused want it to be consistent. I want to feel like I trust her and feel some bond with her . but it seems when I am face to face with her . any hope of this just dissipates into a pile of fear and mistrust

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by granite1

I honestly don't have a clue about if I am bonded or not with my T. one moment I am having a horrible time in life and want nothing but the safety of her office. I get there and I am terrified I cant talk to her ,she is horrible in my mind. I don't know what to think. I get so confused want it to be consistent. I want to feel like I trust her and feel some bond with her . but it seems when I am face to face with her . any hope of this just dissipates into a pile of fear and mistrust

I relate so much to this Granite.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Wysteria

just a PS...

Probably was dumb....but writing what I said below helped me a lot...don't know why...but have really been struggling and it sort of reminded me what a great T I do have. Sometimes when I'm struggling, there is disconnect....and it has been happening lately.

Anyway, I emailed it to him.....

He emailed me back and told me that he felt more connected to me than ever and was glad I had shared it.
I'm glad I said it to him in an email...I forget to tell him how much I appreciate him sometimes...
T's are people too...lol

TC,
WB

Wow - your T sounds amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this. This really touched me. I want this relationship with my T. I want to address this at our next session. Thank you so much.

I have been seeing my T for nearly 4 years now. My T has repeatedly asked me to trust in the relationship. The other da about yet another discussion on trust, he said I reeally need to take some risks. I thought about this and I'm sitting there saying "I don't trust you" but I have never taken a great enough risk to see if he proves trust-worthy.
It sounds like you are taking much greater risks than me. Maye I should try your way.

[doyoutrustme]

My trust issues finally hit a wall long enough that I have to take a break to "reprime" he'd tried to get me to try another therapist but I am not game to start over. If I'm done with him. I'm just done.

tapatalk post.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I have been in psychodynamic therapy for 10 months. In a lot of of ways it's been a healing and eye-opening experience. Even though I keep him at arm's length it's still the closest I have ever let anyone get and this feels both really repulsive, exposing, and vulnerable while also feeling exhilarating, comforting, and safe.

But for some reason I have a really difficult time believing this relationship is real. I have talked pretty openly about this with my T and was the topic of conversation last night. No matter how many times he tells me he cares, that I'm safe and respected, and I can have his time until I say time's up I can't believe 100% that our relationship is real. This causes me so much hurt and pain. I'm fairly convinced his caring is only contingent on my paying my bill and that he doesn't genuinely care or think about me between sessions or that I affect him whatsoever. My T really suggested that I learn to let go and believe him that he cares and that I matter to him but I'm struggling so bad!

I have strong transference feelings for him and he actually started reading that famous book In Session to try and get a better understanding of the depth of my feelings. That felt so amazing to hear (and I saw the book on his desk, I know he's not lying) but I still feel like this is some kind of game.

Does anyone else struggle to bond with their therapist? Did anything help? I don't feel like I can really start to make genuine progress with my T until I can believe in our relationship without reservations. He makes me feel so empty and so special at precisely the same moment. One reason I struggle (and I brought this up) was that the one-sided nature of the relationship makes it feel so fabricated. I don't know a thing about him and this pains me deeply. I'm in love with an image and attached to an idea of a person but disconnected from the human beneath the facade. Ugh, am I making any sense?

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It's such a unique relationship.
For me (7 years in psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy), I still have times I struggle with understanding the relationship. As my therapist has said many times, 'it is a limited relationship'. I think when I feel those limits, it makes the relationship feel unreal. It is so one-sided. Although my therapist thinks of me outside of sessions, it is very different from how I can long for her outside of sessions.

You express so well about feeling empty and special at the same time - great therapy discussion! I think it is confusing, frustrating, and scary to feel connected. In therapy it can feel like setting ourselves up for disappointment because of the unevenness. That can make me pull away, close up...like a turtle protectively retreating into it's shell, where its safe.

I love the relationship, but sometimes I hate that I love it!

Originally Posted by Mactastic

One reason I struggle (and I brought this up) was that the one-sided nature of the relationship makes it feel so fabricated. I don't know a thing about him and this pains me deeply. I'm in love with an image and attached to an idea of a person but disconnected from the human beneath the facade. Ugh, am I making any sense?

I like what Wysteria wrote; i'm just going to add that it will probably seem more like a 'real' relationship after you work through the transference. When the transference is gone, you'll get to know him more. After all, there will be no projections left to talk about. At that point, you'll have a different kind of bond-a more mature kind of love and relationship.

You have a lot to look forward to. Lately, I've been thinking of this as part of the process, and that it will keep getting better and better. This process is really going to help you with the emotional closeness issues that you struggle with. I know that everything I ever learned about emotional intimacy was from my last therapist. And it is amazing!!

[ChipperMonkey]

Can you start by trusting in the process? I was told to trust in the process/therapy/etc rather than the therapist herself and a little switch flipped in my head....yes, it worked! Granted, I was in a two week intensive trauma program where there literally was NO time to build any sort of trust with any of my therapists, but I was able to successfully complete the program without building up trust with any of my therapists. (Background info....I don't trust females easily. Actually that is a HUGE understatement. I have a history of abuse at the hands of females.)

So perhaps start with something you CAN trust in, ie the therapeutic process, and then work from there. It can be a lot to trust a therapist, and truth be told, I never fully have (at least the female ones). Rather, I have been through various types of therapies and my trust has always been in the therapeutic process itself rather than trust in the therapist as a person. This worked for me, and yes, I know, it may sound odd to other people. I've suggested it to others (elsewhere) and they question why I make this suggestion or how it could even work given that much psychological literature stresses the importance of the therapist/client relationship.

Good Luck!

ChipperMonkey, that makes a lot of sense to me - thanks! I do trust my therapist in the sense that I know that everything I say is confidential, that he will act and speak in a way that he believes to be in my best interest, and that he will not judge me. I suppose I do not trust in the relationship however, and I don't imagine that my T thinks of me between sessions, or that he cares for me other than in the sense that he is professional and wants to do a good job. I don't trust that anybody can like me - I don't even like me, so why would anybody else, especially the person who knows more about me than anyone has ever known? But the process is something I do believe in, and something I can trust in.