[ScarletPimpernel]

and it was not easy

Just to clarify, my T and I are in the process of appealing my insurance's decision to deny more sessions.

I told her I'm done trying if I lose her now. She asked for clarification. I told her that if I lost her and had to see another T, it would be too much for me. It's difficult for me to trust people, I would have to put forth energy into a new T, and I would be grieving the loss of her. I told her I would end my life if that happened...

I felt bad. I know that puts unrealistic and unnecessary pressure on her. I, in no way, want to hurt her or make her feel responsible for my own choices and actions. But she wanted the full truth. She said that it was too much for even her to think/talk about. She said that we weren't going to discuss that because she has a lot of confidence that we will win our case.

My family already knew that I have made that decision. I have put in so much effort into my life, and I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting just to survive. I literally mean it when I say this is my last chance.

Many people see me as smart, strong, functional, or full of potential. They think my issues are so minor. Its not fair. I don't talk much about my past because I know nothing will change it. I don't talk much about my current issue because I know I have a lot to be grateful for. And in rl, everyone thinks I'm happy because I have atypical depression and am able to externally act happy. But I hurt. I suffer. I have very few people in my life who are supportuve and safe. And I refuse to start over once again.

I have finally found a team of professionals who work great together (my Pdoc actually gave my T her personal cell phone number), who are on the same page, who I trust, and I am actually seeing my own improvement from. I will fight for my T (and I know she's fighting for me), until I run out of options. I do hope this works out. I just want a chance at life.

You only run out of options when you refuse to look at them. You DO have more than one option.

If you are so bad off that this will cause you to commit suicide, it is your option to instead check yourself into the hospital for safety until this impulse passes. Your insurance will probably work out, but if it doesn't, you have the option to find a new therapy arrangement.

You cannot make another person responsible for your survival or decision to kill yourself. I've been on the receiving end of that declaration, and it is unfair, unrealistic, and well, I'll stop because I have such a strong reaction to this.

You have put everyone on notice that this one possible event will be the last straw and you plan to end it all. I hope you will see the actual reality which is you are an apparent danger to yourself and your responsibility here is to consider hospitalization if you are in danger.

[HazelGirl]

You know that if you lose, your T will want to send you to the hospital, right? That's pretty much what you have said.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't even know why I try reaching out on here. Maybe my writing is misunderstood? Maybe I'm the one misunderstanding? Idk. I wanted to come back to this forum to at least offer my support and encouragement to others. And I wound up in my own crisis. I was just looking for a little support to try to help me keep fighting. I'm not currently in danger or else my T would have hospitalized me. I know the severity of what I feel, but I don't want to be judged for it either.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think anyone is trying to judge you. But you said you would kill yourself if you lost your appeal. So if you lose your appeal, your T will send you to the hospital to make sure that doesn't happen.

No one is judging, and we are being honestly supportive when you speak of suicide and we ask you to consider hospitalization. We are supporting you by reminding you, who says you have no options, that there really are options. We are supporting you by being honest about how your thinking is skewed right now.

Any poster who writes a post saying they will kill themselves for whatever reason will receive pretty much the same suggestions as support. We aren't going to condone suicide as an option. Recommending you find more intensive safety and help perhaps through the hospital IS encouraging you to keep fighting. It is reminding you that you have an option to help you get through this crisis without hurting yourself because none of us would want to see that happen.

[Lauliza]

It's not a judgement on you, just real concern. Although your T clearly knows you well enough to understand that what you said was an expression of how deep your pain is and not a real threat, posters at PC don't know that. And when you see such strong statements written, it's scary and illicits a strong reaction.

I actually understand how you are feeling. When I thought my insurance was dropping my T and PDoc, I had very similar sentiments. I kept thinking that if I couldn't see them then I won't see anyone at all. I'm sure I would have had a similar conversation if the situation had progressed, but it wouldn't have been a manipulation or a threat at all. We actually have similar diagnoses (atypical depression, anxiety and BPD traits) so I understand how certain events can trigger a depression that wasn't there just moments before. That's where the intensity comes from, I think.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

It's not a judgement on you, just real concern. Although your T clearly knows you well enough to understand that what you said was an expression of how deep your pain is and not a real threat, posters at PC don't know that. And when you see such strong statements written, it's scary and illicits a strong reaction.

I actually understand how you are feeling. When I thought my insurance was dropping my T and PDoc, I had very similar sentiments. I kept thinking that if I couldn't see them then I won't see anyone at all. I'm sure I would have had a similar conversation if the situation had progressed, but it wouldn't have been a manipulation or a threat at all. We actually have similar diagnoses (atypical depression, anxiety and BPD traits) so I understand how certain events can trigger a depression that wasn't there just moments before. That's where the intensity comes from, I think.

Thank you! Thank you for understanding!

I have never supported suicide, SI, or harm to any other person. I do suffer from suicidal ideation, so it's a constant battle for me no matter what. I have 2 months before the insurance makes their decision. If at any point, I become a danger to myself, I will be honest with my T, and I know she will take action. I was in a crisis about a month ago, was honest with my T, and she had me go to a crisis house. I will always be honest with my T...it's a respect thing btwn us.

And I am actually not currently severely depressed... I will be if I lose my T. Right now I'm extremely stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, scared, and hurting. I am trying so hard to be "strong". Which is why I posted here looking for support and why I call a crisis line at least once a week.

So thank you Lauliza: for relating and helping clarify my posts.

[Wren_]

... i'm really glad you were able to share this with your therapist ... sometimes just saying things can help a little; especially when it is something that is so scary and hurtful like this is

when I read what you wrote it sounded very much like you screaming ... screaming that you need your T, that you don't know how to survive without your T, and that right now the whole insurance thing leaves you with feelings that are more than terrifying ... to me, those feelings are really understandable (not that it makes it easier, just that the fear and what it brings up makes sense to me)

I'm also glad your T was trying to reassure you that she believes you will win with the insurance; but ... I really hope that she does let you talk about this more as well; and lets you address your fears

Reading your thread now, where you've added more to what you wrote initially is helpful as well ... and I think Lauliza explained it really well in saying that:

It's not a judgement on you, just real concern. Although your T clearly knows you well enough to understand that what you said was an expression of how deep your pain is and not a real threat, posters at PC don't know that. And when you see such strong statements written, it's scary and illicits a strong reaction.

maybe you could share some of the rest of your thread with your therapist? I hope you can keep talking about all of this ... and most of all that things work out so you can continue with your therapist

[growlycat]

I'm sorry you have to fight the ins co for what you need.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

... i'm really glad you were able to share this with your therapist ... sometimes just saying things can help a little; especially when it is something that is so scary and hurtful like this is

when I read what you wrote it sounded very much like you screaming ... screaming that you need your T, that you don't know how to survive without your T, and that right now the whole insurance thing leaves you with feelings that are more than terrifying ... to me, those feelings are really understandable (not that it makes it easier, just that the fear and what it brings up makes sense to me)

I'm also glad your T was trying to reassure you that she believes you will win with the insurance; but ... I really hope that she does let you talk about this more as well; and lets you address your fears

Reading your thread now, where you've added more to what you wrote initially is helpful as well ... and I think Lauliza explained it really well in saying that:


maybe you could share some of the rest of your thread with your therapist? I hope you can keep talking about all of this ... and most of all that things work out so you can continue with your therapist

I am very grateful for Lauliza helping clarify. I'm not processing things very clearly due to the anxiety. I lose track of conversations multiple times per day I see how my original post was misinterpreted, and I apologize.

I hate feeling this way. I'm used to being able to at least act strong. But I feel so fragile atm. I mean, tonight I snapped at my fiancee for buying me Starbucks...who in their right mind does that?!?!

But I thank you for your reply Tigergirl, and for our other conversation. I truly admire what you do.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I'm sorry you have to fight the ins co for what you need.

Thank you.

Maybe one day insurance companies will figure out that it's more cost effective to provide treatment for mental health than to pay for crisis intervention. I mean, you'd think they'd want more people functional, paying taxes, and paying for their own insurance. I don't know...sounds logical to me at least.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't want to take up space by making a new thread, and this is a continuation of the original issue...

I just need to get all of this out of my head. No need to respond to this.

So, I messed up. I really am not thinking straight atm. I panicked last night, and used my familiar coping skill...SI.

I had to tell my T (she would have been mad if I waited until I saw her next to tell her). She was nice enough to let me call her. I asked her if she was mad at me. She said no, but that we will be discussing it next week. She told me not to worry about it...

I'm so worrying about it I still have this unexplainable fear with her (it goes away the moment she closes the office door).

She also wants me back in a crisis house. She's probably right as she almost always is. But there are so many expectations during the summer: birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc. My family would disown me if I went back now, especially 1.5 months after the last time I was there.

On top of all that, my Pdoc's nurse took her precious time getting back to me about the change in the anxiety med. She knew about it yesterday, but didn't tell me till today. What if the medication could have helped last night?!?! Maybe I wouldn't have SI'ed. Stupid nurse!

I really need to figure out how to get my mind back. I need to not fall apart! I've done the hard part. Now it's just waiting. Why do I keep panicking?

Funny thing though, my T agreed with me on the phone: I need a light switch installed in my head to shutoff my brain. I also found out last week that I'm my T's first long-term BPD client...poor thing. Have to say though, I think she's coping well with me...lol.