[Wysteria]

Okay...agreed, I doorknobbed him by accident...just suddenly all this anger and frustration and total vulnerability in so many areas of my life right now...with female T leading my group therapy, anger at ex, bad mother guilt and frustration....just all came spewing out in some garbled attempt to plead for help.
( I've been in really bad place last 2 weeks, almost hospitalized, dissociation, seeing in images, seeing some things that weren't there...blah blah ....you get the idea.)
I try to be so careful not to do that to him. Even stayed 5 min late which I never do.
He knows I write pretty well, so he asked me to repeat most of what I'd said and some other stuff....and email him. hmmm...
I was okay...went home exhausted..but okay. Even laughed some last night.

Woke up like a Tasmanian devil with a migraine and a thorn in his foot.
and...
sat down to write the letter. All this "stuff"...all the connections to the past, and logical and illogical assumptions, images, abuse, fear, anger...down to what a completely worthless, useless piece of cow dung I am, turned into a 3 pp letter.
I didn't even really proof it... (STUPID) and hit send... (Ugggghhh)
I KNOW NOT to hit the SEND button!

Was crying inconsolably and took some pills and went back to sleep before I did anything else completely irrational.
So....he calls....and I can't answer due to being extremely tired. Says he's worried...and will call back....

I finally got up to go to my last group therapy session....canNOT think during group,, but my fingernails were left in the ceiling tiles. It would not end!

Now I have to probably wait all weekend to hear back from him....and will have to face him Tues afternoon.
I am in such an agony of shame and remorse.

I have never so directly and succinctly and in such graphic terms told him about my feelings of self hatred and anger, and anger at men, frustration, vulnerability, worthlessness, abuse, lack of core identity, shame, regret, desperation, lack of character, etc....

I think I gave him 3 years of Freudian food for fodder....

I am just beyond the edge of sanity and into an abyss the likes I hate to admit knowing.
Cannot self soothe or figure out how to remedy this. There just is NO logical excuse for telling him, in such a cringingly graphic stream of consciousness and associations how nuts I really am.

Please offer some advice, or just lie and tell me it will be okay.
I just can't stop crying and thinking and swirling...and waiting. I know this post is way to long...I'm sorry...so sorry.

- WB

[stopdog]

I think it will be okay. I write the therapist letters often. Usually they are hostile. It does not phase her. Therapists don't get all that worked up about the sort of stuff you described, in my opinion. I mean, the therapist will probably be interested in you and what you wrote and all, but not bothered by it.

[HazelGirl]

I know exactly what that is like. I sent my T a list of 83 (!) negative beliefs about myself I wrote down off the top of my head. Things like "I'm a failure." "Everyone hates me, but is too polite to say it." Etc... And it was TERRIFYING. She tried to talk to me about it at our next appointment, but I completely shut down and couldn't. Since then, we have talked a little bit about it, and need to do more.

I guess what I want to say is I understand. And it will be okay.

[tametc]

I think it was brave of you to send the email to your T, and brave of you to post here. It sounds like you have a T who really cares. Please allow him to do that. I'm sure there are lots of us here on PC who care, also.

I will be thinking of you. I have been on the edge of that abyss you describe, and it was frightening to contemplate. Please know that you can and will get past this.

You are a good writer, and I for one do not mind how long a post is. I am going to bed soon, but feel free to PM me if you want.

[Victoria'smom]

I have a rule that I can't proof read as the writing is how scrambled my head is. It will be okay. You just speed up therapy two years or so. I do it all the time and as embarrassing and crazy you feel right now it is helpful. When you first go in tell him you're scared.

[Wysteria]

thanks guys...
feeling a little less ashamed...not brave..but trying...

and maybe using letters like that explosion from subconscious nightmare will be a money saver...particularly liked that idea!!

*sigh*

Hugs to all,

Wysteria Blue

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Wysteria

feeling a little less ashamed...not brave..

Wysteria Blue

Brave is not a feeling. Bravery and courage are being afraid, and doing it anyway. You are stronger than you know.

[AmazingGrace7]

Don't be ashamed.

From what you wrote, you have been protecting him. Just look at your own words...

I try to be so careful not to do that to him.

I doorknobbed him by accident.

It's YOUR therapy and you are there to improve. Sometimes, I believe our subconscious gets us to the place we NEED to be but don't always WANT to be, it may be through acting out, sometimes, it might be through words, and other times it might be through un-proofed emails. It's okay.

Who knows? Hopefully, it will open BIG doors for some good dialogue between your T and you about your deepest fears, biggest struggles, and depth of your shame and pain. I'm glad your T is concerned and plans to follow up with you again.

I wonder if the reason you didn't answer your phone was really because you were too tired or if it could have been because you were ashamed by your earlier email and didn't want to have the follow up to the email conversation with your T.

Hang in there.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I had something similar happen not too long ago, and it turned out to be a very good thing. I was really struggling with feeling anger and not being able to express it. I had a short text conversation with my T. I had asked her to call me, then texted her and told her nevermind. The upshot of the text conversation was T suggesting that maybe I send her an unedited email of what I was feeling. OMG! Scariest thought ever. Everything I send is edited a million times. I'm always super careful about what I say and how I say it. But, this one time, I decided to just do it. Once I got over the initial freak-out of sending the email, I started to feel kinda good about getting everything out there. My T's response made it even better. Her reply was "This is awesome." It was understood that we'd discuss it in the next session - she didn't need to say that. But, her reply made me smile. It made me feel safe. There was no judgement.

So - it really is okay and it really will probably continue to be okay.

[Wysteria]

sorry to bother...

Just so incredibly vulnerable and alone inside. Can't stop thinking about the dam& letter and what it all means and fits together and how worthless I am.

I just can't stop going down.... I'm having really bad urges and impulses and don't know how to self soothe at the moment. Just had to put it out to the universe at the moment. I just can't breathe or I'm going to explode.

wysteria blue

[growlycat]

I think that you will find that hitting SEND is ok!! It can feel overwhelmingly vulnerable to open up that much, all at once to T but I have found that it really helps T fully understand "where you are" at the moment.

It will be ok!! If you trust your T he'll know what to do next.

how are you doing tonight? ♥

[Wysteria]

Found out Ex and my Father were colluding behind my back about business deal on the table to sell my share of my company with ex. Ex had lied to my Dad and both were lying to me. It is very complicated and much worse that what I can say right now. Ex also hired MY lawyer to represent him as well in the sale of the company.

Being BPD...abandonment is a huge issue. Everyone around me knows how much I HATE lies...which both use along with passive aggressive behaviours, anger, etc.
I could NOT possibly feel more betrayed as I did at midnight last night when I found the emails that told me what has been going on behind my back.

I put in texts/emails to both T and Pdoc overnight, asking to be hospitalized. I was in really horrid place all night. I feel like I am cracked in two....

T responded at 6:30 this morning and is formulating a plan and talking to pdoc. Because my trust level is about -10 right now, not even sure I would be a good candidate for in patient. for now, just heavily medicated and sleeping.

Every single person close to me has ended up f(@ing me emotionally physically or mentally ...except my T. I really don't think I can take anything else especially on top of triggers and emotional intensity of last two weeks.

I reached out some here last night and am sure didn't make any sense as I was just so overcome with feelings of pain, loss and betrayal. I don't ever remember anything so intensely hurtful in the moment. was absolutely doubting my sanity.

So very cold now...and very alone.
I've got a hard road ahead over the next weeks.

Thanks for all of your support and sorry if I have been a bit erratic lately.
-WB

[unaluna]

Omg i am so sorry. My parents totally colluded with my now ex-h just because he was the man. Its heartbreaking to realize you mean so little to them, but then you wonder what kind of people they are. And no, you dont have to stick around or take it just to prove that youre better. We know who you are

[Aloneandafraid]

I am so very sorry to read your post Wysteria. Thinking of you and sending gentle and healing hugs. I hope you get the support you need. Wishing you well. Xx

[AmazingGrace7]

I'm glad your T responded so quickly and is working with your pdoc to formulate a game plan in your best interest. Take gentle care of yourself and take as much time as you need.