Talking on the phone during the weekend?

I agree with Leah. Another T can help you if you are very unsure.

I see a lot of similarities between you and me. Why cant we have a mad crush on our t? Altho i have told my t, not only do i think your t is too old for you, i think my t is too old for me. He just looked at me like - yeah, right. Does our t have to be somebody dull and boring? Is that what we aspire to? If that is what attracts us, then maybe there is something that needs to be worked out. Hopefully by this time, THEY have figured out what that issue of ours is, have some experience with it, and can be kind in dealing with it. We have been effed over enough, havent we? We need to move past it and move on with our lives. And seriously do you realize how soon he is going to be in his 80's? And youll just be single again, only older.

[QUOTE=winenot3;3784429]She thinks it's in my best interest to ditch him. You don't think I'm being inappropriate and taking this too far? Everyone I've talked to says that I need to stop. And it's painful because I feel like he's the only person that really understands me. I don't want to give him up.

I cry "hogwash"...don't listen to "everyone" and gaslighting is a great phrase for what your sister was doing....*(great old movie as well...)

If your T care that much about you, and is willing to spend 30 min of his personal time talking to you...he cares!!!! Appreciate and be grateful for having a wonderful T. My T has 6 kids!! I know he juggles so much to help me and I appreciate it. Yes it may be a bit disconcerting to hear a 6 yr old screaming in the background, but he wouldn't call if it wasn't important and you are worth it. People outside of therapy don't get it, and those that won't emotionally connect and be honest with their T won't get the huge benefits despite the vulnerability that comes inherently in a trusting and close relationship.

Hang in...be so grateful for your T's efforts and do the best you can....You are very blessed. I'm so glad you have your T and someone that understands you so well...

Hugs,
WB

He wouldn't have called you outside of office hours if he didn't care. Even if he didn't call you it wouldn't mean he didn't care- not all Ts do that and care very much. So try to be grateful for what you have in a T. Picking apart details of the call- his formality, wondering if his girlfriend was there (which she probably wasn't since it would be a confidentiality issue) isn't helping you, so try to control the urge. He wanted to keep it professional. Remember, he has to enforce boundaries and trying not to be too familiar of friend-like is one way to do that. So just appreciate his flexibility and kindness.

Your sister is wrong but I can understand to a degree where she might be coming from. Your sister sees you in pain. You described yourself as waiting by the phone for his call and being very upset (as one might with a boyfriend). This is not how most people want to see a loved one and not how most people would envision helpful therapy. So while I would take her and your friends comments with a grain of salt, I would also reflect on this and think about whether or not you are achieving what you need in therapy. He may be able to help you through these feelings if you let him. But if you suffer without working on your issues with men, he won't be helping as much as he could.

If you think it helped you - then fine and if not, is there something else to do instead? I tried the phone call thing and found it really does not help me to talk to a therapist on the phone. Also I do not tell others in my life about the therapist so they have no opportunity to chime in with their opinions.

I wonder why he didn't call, seems odd that he would suggest it and then not call. Maybe something came up, surely he must have an explanation - call me crazy but I still think he cares about you.
I'm rly sorry that you have to go through this tho

He did call, they spoke half an hour, there's an earlier post about it.

i would kind of have to agree with ur sister. when she said he shouldnt reward ur passive aggressive behavior. that is probably just reinforcing those kinds of behavior in you. you got what u wanted by acting that way. but it doesnt seem to ever be enough. he called u and thats what u wanted to happen. but now ur feeling negative about it. im not judging u at all. just my thoughts. i dont think u should stop seeing him. but i think u guys need to have a really candid discussion about all of this. it obviously affects you a great deal.

I would imagine he was "formal" as a response to your passive aggressive texts. He wants to sustain the connection, but not feed the behavior. Since you realize you behave in this manner, why can't you also choose to modulate it? It's not about condemning your feelings, but about becoming conscious of your behavioral choices and their consequences.

I guess there is a part of me that secretly wants him to call me out. To ask me why I'm testing him and what I get out of it. I want to command his attention. I want him to say despite all of my horrible flaws, that he still thinks I'm someone worth treating, worth being cared about. He's always complimented me on my ability to be so aware of myself and what I do. I just don't see how to turn all of this into something positive that can actually help me.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

Self awareness is great, but is still only part of the solution. The real work comes in modifying this behavior. Your T cares about you, that's established and pretty evident. But the passive aggressive behavior is a pattern that will just keep recurring if you don't take an active part in controlling it. Your T can only be of help to you by not encouraging this. It is fine to have a crush and maybe good to use it as a piece of your therapy. Having a professional and friendly relationship with a guy you like without it going to a sexual or romantic place is hard, and your T can be the guy to help you with this. He shouldn't have to prove how much he likes and cares for you -what he does for you as your T should be enough. I understand it's a disappointment to you that he is not saying it the way you want to hear it, but that is about you, not him. You can use your therapy with him to learn how healthy interactions work, establishing realistic boundaries and having realistic expectations.

Were you completely safe at home (or some home-equivalent), or are you acting out something with this t? Why is your self-worth tied to your sexuality?

I feel like I'm half-acting out, and half performing patterns that I do when I have feelings for someone (specifically male). I think my self-worth is tied to my sexuality because I feel like that's all I've ever had to offer, and all anybody has ever wanted from me. As soon as I start saying real things, they don't want to hear it. It could just be the people that I choose, but it gets tiring.

Every time there is a change to talk about this sort of thing with him, it usually gets buried under the rug. And I think that's because I get so uncomfortable. I wish he would just talk about it with me...for example, "calling me out," because isn't it a bit awkward starting out the session by listing off every single one of my flaws? I wish I had less control over my sessions so he could start pushing me to really do this. I'm ready. I do want to attack this, but also I'll admit: Once I actually work through all of this, it will be the end of our sessions. His caring will just be gone. Sometimes I wonder if I keep myself this way just so I'll be in constant need of his support. Which is again, not healthy. Maybe that's the hesitation he senses, so he doesn't try to force me talk about these things. This state of limbo is exhausting, though. I know I'm full of contradictions, and my posts here probably frustrating. This is exactly what I think he thinks of me, though. I wish it didn't matter what I thought!!!

He might not know which way to take the topic, since he knows it could be triggering for you, so you may need still take control. Maybe if you say something like "I need you to help me with how to go about controlling the push-pull nature of my behavior with men-I bet you've noticed the way I act with you too. It's affecting my relationships with men and I need you to help me." Could you say something like that?

I could certainly try! Thank you for being so helpful; I appreciate it. I figure once I get the ball rolling, it might be easier after that. I don't know why all of this makes me so nervous, but it does.