A slump

I'll ask you what you just asked me. Do you trust your T? Has your T given you any reason to doubt her? I think you should tell your T.

No...I know she hasn't. And I know her. But this is just...I have to be really honest about why and about how much I am really struggling, and about how I didn't contact her because she said she would be out of town. And about how, even though she continues to tell me it's okay, I still don't feel like it's okay to contact her outside of sessions. And about how guilty I feel because I can't pay her, and yet still take her time. And about how I still don't trust that she really wants to be there for me. And about how crazy my life is, and how many things have not gone my way recently. And my nearly empty bank account. And all the stresses and fears I feel all the time right now. And I just can't, not right now.

Sounds like that may be a productive session....

It sounds like a nightmare.

LoL, I know. I have found the most productive sessions have been the ones I was terrified of.

It should be an exciting time but exciting comes with fears and that's cool but I think you know this post is bogus. She has reason to know and a need (providing you trust her as you say you do). You say it was just an impulse so what happens the next time an impulse comes along.

but lets say its all good and you decide to not tell her. What happens in therapy when she is proud of you for being so strong. Heck~ keep that up and you will be done with therapy in no time.

Oh~ and one more thing. Not to belittle your diminished bank account. Have you ever seen the insurance commercial where he is talking about the girl being on a roman noodle diet. That's 10 cent's a night. Being broke is a right of passage and that sounds so messed up. I know it's hard to see with next semester coming up and you worried about that too but with therapy and schooling, your on your way. Don't let the fear take too much confidence and independence.

I know. I know what I should do. But I also know what I definitely don't want to do. It is absolutely terrifying.

Maybe it's just the crappy mood I'm in, but I felt like this whole post was really demeaning.

What do you mean by that post was bogus? Do you think I'm lying? I do get your point about the impulse thing. But it didn't give me what I was searching for, and so I won't do it again (or if I do, it won't be for several years).

She normally sees right through my pretending to be okay, and maybe she already knows that things aren't all okay. I am terrified of what she might think if I tell her, though.

And about the money thing. I'm actually extremely financially responsible. I just had to spend $6500 on dental bills at the beginning of this year. That's why I'm broke and don't know how I will pay for school. I have no debt, have completely paid for my car, pay for all of my schooling out of my own pocket, have extremely good credit, and make and keep a budget for all my income and expenses. This isn't about a "ramen noodle diet" (which is disgusting and absolutely terrible for you). It's about the fact that I had to spend all my money on my teeth and am trying to rebuild financially. And it's stressing me out. I don't care about whether it's a "right of passage". It doesn't change how overwhelming and stressful it is to not have any money in the bank at the end of the month.

My apologies~ perhaps I am in a crappy mood too. I was not saying you were lying but I do believe you are lying to yourself. You always say how you need to talk to your therapist. You know that sh is harmful to you and you are making it like you ate a piece of pie while on a diet.

The impulse comment was because you said you wouldn't do it again but it was just an impulse. One, twice, three times, at what point does a person end up with impulse control disorder because they failed to tell their therapist they did something they didn't like but they just couldn't control themselves. There are therapist that deal with impulse control but maybe your therapist can help you with whatever sparked you to do whatever you did and stop you from making it a habit.

As far as the money goes. The only thing I have left to say about that is you are working with a therapist that is helping you in that area as well and you are keeping her out of something that is harmful to you. Emotionally as well as physically. Yes I think you know in your heart of hearts that your post was bogus.

I shouldn't miss out that you are scared and I apologize but be scared for yourself rather than you T. You say she cares~ trust that.

Ok. I think I'm a little more clear on what you mean about bogus.

I'm not sure I agree 100%, but I do see and acknowledge your points. And I did smile a little at the SH/pie comment. Probably because I know you're right about that. I just feel like it wasn't a lack of control, just a conscious decision to act on that impulse. It's an impulse I have had many times in the past and normally choose to ignore. And my T knows I have it sometimes. Maybe it will be easier to talk about if I focus on that, and how that's a feeling I have had many times and chose to act on this time around? But geez...that's still a really hard conversation to have.

HG, i remember hearing that one's 20s--i think you're in your 20s and my apologies if i'm getting that wrong by a few years--are "supposed" to be really fun but can actually be quite stressful. i wish i'd heard that when i was that age because i also felt all this pressure to have it all together and be having the time of my life. it's actually a time of figuring out a lot of big issues like career & job, where you will live and dating. those are all kind of huge on their own so all together it is no wonder that is a stressful time of life. can you ease up a little on your expectations for yourself a bit? you sound like you have a ton of big things on your plate so it's natural to be feeling that pressure and not be all carefree and happy. maybe cut yourself a little slack and treat yourself with something nice. that may not sound like what you need but it actually is.

Oh no you are definitely not alone in this
Even being angry at you T is pretty normal and in my opinion it is certainly caused by these huge changes. Sometimes I get angry at my T too because I already feel very vulnerable and have been an emotional wreck lately, so if she makes me wait for an answer I feel rejected (no matter if she always keeps my slot and lets me pick the time I prefer and moves everything else) sometimes I just "choose" to see the negative - maybe. Or I think to the successful person she is and then I think to my history and feel so "less". Obviously I'm fond of her but these are the irrational feelings that I get at times when I have a crisis and my self esteem is lower than ever.

I think you shouldn't worry about contacting her if she is ok with it, and if you said you don't really have something to say, then she surely figured you need to touch base to feel a bit safer and reassured that she is still there. I think there's nothing wrong about it in this transition moment, I wish I could do it too.

I can relate to having strange feelings of incapability to handle life and be completely independent. Those moments are often indescribable and frustrating because there is really nothing to "talk" about that would relieve the feelings so I just feel stuck and confused.

I hope these feelings ease up soon because they are no fun at all!

You're correct. I'm 22.

I'm not really good at giving myself a break or cutting myself much slack, haha. I set these goals and expectations for myself and get so angry at myself when they're not met, even though they were nearly impossible to start with. I think my family has greatly contributed to the idea that I need to look happy all the time. Yet at the same time, they're miserable. It's like I'm not allowed to have difficulties because they have difficulties and so whatever I am going through isn't a big deal and I need to get over it, if that makes sense. It makes it a lot harder to be nice to myself at a time when I have everyone else saying I need to be happy and joyful.

Yeah, but I feel guilty for being so angry at her when she hasn't done anything wrong. This has happened twice this month, and it's so stupid because it's not fair to her. I don't want to see her and go on and on about how I couldn't reach her. I didn't try because I knew I couldn't. So I got angry at her instead. So stupid.

Exactly. It's just this crushing burden and talking doesn't fix it or make it go away.

So I sent her a text this morning. I sort of feel like throwing up. I hope she's not angry or disappointed. I feel like such a failure.

You're really buying into self-denial all throughout this thread. I'm noticing how often you say you should be different than you are, and you're not worthy of your therapist's attention, and your feelings don't make sense, and you don't understand yourself.

You are really pushing a lot away. Negating yourself over and over. It makes sense something like that would come out through hurting yourself. You're boxing yourself into an emotional corner by not being accepting and compassionate and validating of yourself.

I hope you'll go through this thread and try to mentally rewrite the script here. You deserve much better!

If there are two things I am great at, they're:
1. Beating myself up/invalidating myself
2. Being in denial about it

So yes, I know, or at least, a small part of me knows. But this part has no say in the rest of my mind.

With practice, it could! I think of Quan Yin at times like this, a Chinese deity of mercy and compassion. I ask myself how she would see me, how she would relate to me. It's helped a lot, but self-acceptance is certainly an ongoing process. Sounds like a good time to practice!

It's gotten better. It's gone from I can't even hear that part/it doesn't exist to I can hear and acknowledge it, even if I don't yet believe it or accept it.

Oh my gosh...she hasn't responded yet. I'm freaking out. I know she's out of town and probably hasn't had a chance yet. But I am so anxious about it.

This really tells a story about how you relate to yourself. You're so hard on yourself; then when you don't live up to your own expectations, or the image you have of yourself doing things 'right', you beat yourself up. That's somehow your mother's(?) voice in your head, telling you that you should be like this; should be that; should do this...should have done that...be like her; be like them... Whoever you've internalized was very shame inducing.

I don't think there's any way around this besides self-acceptance. (Other than doing what I did-rebel against the voice, and start sabotaging your own success...if you haven't already started doing that).

I really hope you hear back from your T soon.

You're going through so much...I hope you can give yourself a break.

Yeah, I have dealt with that pattern my whole life. I don't think it comes directly from either of my parents. I think it was my way to control the chaos of my life as a child. If I was perfect and did A, B, C perfectly and didn't complain and didn't feel sad, then things would be okay. But if I messed up, then things would be bad.

It's been 8 hours and my T hasn't responded yet. I feel so abandoned and like she probably hates me and doesn't know what to tell me. She's been out of town this weekend, so I know logically, that may be why she hasn't responded. But I am so afraid it's because I am horrible and beyond any hope.

Maybe i'm projecting some of my own crap here. The voice isn't necessarily a literal voice though. For me it was if I was always doing what I was supposed to, then I have no needs that meant (to her) that 1. she didn't have to do anything/deal with another's needs; 2. she was a 'good Mom", which also reinforced to the family, neighbors, teachers, etc., 3. she was giving and caring (the opposite of how she was). It was so simplistic: children not needing parenting = good. Children with needs = bad.

...i'm sure her not responding has nothing to do with you. You seem like you have a good relationship with your T; it's not going to change now, on account of your needing support...my T is out of town, and unless i asked him in advance if it was ok, i likely would not contact him, thinking i'd feel worse if he didn't respond. Hang in there.

Yeah, you described it pretty well. That's pretty close.

I am just so anxious. She still hasn't responded and it's been 9 hours since I texted her. I seriously doubt she hasn't looked at her phone in 9 hours, which means she's ignoring me or is too busy to respond.

HG,
IMO you are doing EXACTLY what you always tell others not to do in your posts and advice. You always say that the person talk to his or her therapist. Maybe u should take ur own advice (I know easier said than done) and talk to t about this next session. She is out of town and perhaps needs this break from work. It is likely nothing personal. Talk to T about it. Follow your own advice. Why are you exempt from your own suggestions to others? Talk at next appt. just leave her alone until then. Now u are watching the clock and agonizing. Good luck.

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I did. I sent her a text yesterday and she replied. So we have talked about it since the posting of this thread. But I will be the first to tell you I'm the biggest hypocrite ever when it comes to this stuff. I know intimately well how terrifying it is, and I know what the "right" thing to do is. I just can't always actually do it.