A slump

Same for me. I hear you. It's hard. Glad she responded. Our minds are powerful. Sometimes, negatively

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Yeah, it's like I get stuck and I can't free myself, no matter how much I know it's not correct. I can logically try and reason with myself until I am exhausted, but I can't free myself. It's horrible.

I am so anxious about my appointment tomorrow. I asked my T today in text if she was angry at me for the SH, but she said she wasn't and that she understood that I was in pain. But I am still nervous about it. I'm afraid I will get "punished" in some way.

That is likely because u used to get punished in some way as a child for expressing anything negative (just guessing here). Even, years later, you are so conditioned to feel afraid when u express anything negative. Sounds like ur T is trying to provide u with a new experience. Try to absorb it as much as you can.
IMO, trying to think or reason your way out of situations like this can drive one mad. What u went through as a child was likely crazy making. It will never make sense. And it shouldn't. You were a CHILD and your job should have been to be a child. You can't reason with things that are unreasonAble. I always think that if I can just understand then I can fix it. However, somethings are not meant to be understood. Good luck at your appointment let us know how it goes. Hugs.

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I'll pocket ride for you today if you'd like to. I am sure that your T will not punished you for SH and I really hope that you won't punish yourself neither... I know that it is difficult to not be so strict with ourselves and (at least in my case) it might be more difficult to forgive our mistakes than somebody's else but I really hope that one day you will see that you are just a human who has the same right to make mistakes as anyone else - please do not be so harsh to yourself (of course if it is the case, I might be totally wrong, so if it's the case, please just ignore my post)

Yeah, my T said the same thing, that I feel that way because I was punished a lot as a child for things that I shouldn't have been punished for. I asked her about it and if she was going to punish me in some way, like take away my ability to contact her between sessions or take away her offer to visit my new apartment, and she insisted that she wasn't. I'm still nervous, but I don't feel as bad or as anxious as I did.

And that thing about wanting to know why is totally one of my biggest struggles. I fight all the time with the idea that I will never know why, and that sometimes other people are just so mentally ill that they can harm a child without guilt (or with very buried and hidden guilt). And it's really hard to accept that because having a reason allows me to feel some sort of control. I blamed myself for so long, saying I was bad and deserved what I was faced with. It's really hard to change that thinking.

Thank you. You're not wrong, and I appreciate your comment. I think I can give other people grace because they're "not perfect" and "just human" and such, but when it comes to me, I should "know better" and not make any "stupid mistakes". Maybe one day I will be able to be more kind to myself.

HG, there you go! Good job at opening your self up and telling your fears to your therapist. You are choosing a different path than those who raised you did. That, in and of itself, is huge progress. Some people can actually be trusted. Some people actually care. Ask is many questions as you need to her. Ask for reassurance. Therapy is the one space where you can do that. It sounds like she provides that for you. If she cannot, that may be her own countertransference. It sounds like she sees you are in pain and is trying to respect and witness that part of you. Remember, you likely have already been through the worst that could happen in your life. It is over now. You are free.

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Yes, I have the same problem, I should be smarter and know better and not be so stupid and miserable/pitiful... And of course when someone else does exactly the same thing, I never think so bad about this person - double standards, huh? But usually then I just "tell" myself:
"wow, and why would you think that you shouldn't have done it while others can? You think that you are better than them, you are smarter than them and that's why your standards are higher, huh?" Usually it works as I really do not think that I am better than others
But if I remember well, my first step to stop SH was to start accepting that I do make mistakes and I have to live with it and absolutely not punish myself for it, more like "yes, I did it but probably there was a reason why at this time I thought that it was the best solution, I've just felt this way and even if now I know that it was not the best solution, I didn't know that then. Thus, instead of thinking how stupid I was, I should think what to do to learn from my mistakes, and for sure I'll repeat some of them in the future but if I don't repeat at least one of them, it will already be a progress"

My T is wonderful and is welcoming to all my questions and fears. That's the only reason I can bring them up. I know she will be okay with it and will be open to reassuring me, even though I don't feel so trusting at the time. I hate that I can't trust her more after she has been so consistent and available for two years. I feel bad about that because I know she works so hard to show me that she is trustworthy.

That's pretty brilliant. To say that I think I'm better than others, well I am not better than them. So why do I expect myself to know better if they are okay with making the same mistakes. Thank you for that.

I know that a majority of my feelings surrounding this whole topic are about me feeling like I deserve for bad things to happen to me. And that's why I judge myself so harshly and why I am convinced that my T will eventually realize how horrible I am and will punish me as well. It's such a terrible vortex to get into when I do, because everywhere I try to turn, it's the same thing. And I can twist everything into supporting the idea that I deserve it.

You are amazing HazelGirl! Your bravery and determination to heal shines through to me despite your anxious words. One foot in front of the other.

Thank you, but I wish sometimes I could just quit. Sometimes I don't want to heal, and I would rather just give up on it all.

Hey everyone. I wrote an update on how my appointment went here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...pointment.html