[IndestructibleGirl]

Flagged for brief CSA mention below -

So, I was hurt and frustrated with my therapist - especially in the last few weeks, as I hadn't seen her and I was notified to say our sessions were cancelled and all was uncertain. Her messages were a bit abrupt and off and even that was slightly hurtful too. I was set to leave therapy, just to send an email thanking my T and leave it at that. However, I decided to test the water by talking for a few mins on the phone, and see if it was just completely weird and a bit awful. Then she had a cancellation and said would I like that slot instead of a call, so I grabbed the bull by the horns and went in yesterday.

It turns out that my T was in hospital seriously ill and can't remember most of the last few weeks. So she wasn't deliberately pulling away from me during this time And the scrapping of our 'protected weekend slot' came from the clinic manager who has decided to not have clients in on Saturdays. Again, not a matter of being careless with me. I was pissed a few weeks ago when her text message said that other people wanted our slot, so I'm not really sure what was going on then.

It was a bit odd and troubling at times being there. I don't know if it is realistically workable, but at least it wasn't cold or disengaged between us. It was quite a nice, easy conversation in another way.

We really need to discuss boundaries, but so much time has passed since the boundaries started being wonky and unstable and I feel a little foolish dragging it all up again. About the infamous job offer, and the fact she suddenly quit saying I love you, and all the other various little things that stung.

I have a session tomorrow and I don't know what to focus on. I have this longing for it to be like it was ages ago between us, because what I really need to bring into my therapy is my new job. I am crazy in love with my new job, but it is the most demanding and fast paced position I have ever had. Today I worked 15 hours, and have been up 20, and I still have work to finish off this weekend. I know that's mostly due to being new and I'll settle into a routine, but I just wish I could talk with her and have the wonderful nourishing therapy I had before.

Instead, it's going to be another slightly awkward session about boundaries and the therapy relationship. Because I'm not happy with how it is at the minute, so I can't get even remotely vulnerable. I did tell her about a very vivid CSA flashback (I'm not really sure if it is real, but well, it felt extremely real, and deep down I think it is) because what startled me about the CSA flashback was that though it made me very sad, I had an overpowering sense of 'you can't threaten me now' about it. I felt so calm, and secure, and not in danger. And even better, my instinct after it was to take very gentle care of myself - I didn't get unbearably agitated or distressed and start thinking of anything damaging towards myself. So I was able to tell her about that because I felt strong about where I am with it.

We agreed I would start paying again obviously. The only thing that concerns me about this is that although discounted it's still a hefty amount to me, and I don't want to pay for therapy that makes me feel unsettled or unhappy. I can't believe this is even an issue. When I used to pay before I would have crawled over broken glass to give her the money if I had to, because therapy was so wonderful and enriching.

Thoughts?..

[feralkittymom]

I don't want to pay for therapy that makes me feel unsettled or unhappy. I can't believe this is even an issue. When I used to pay before I would have crawled over broken glass to give her the money if I had to, because therapy was so wonderful and enriching.


This kind of jumps out at me. Do you mean that you want therapy in which you can have faith in the process as boundaried and appropriate, or that you want therapy that only leaves you feeling better after each session? The former is your right, and I think you need to address any issues which keep you from having such faith; the latter is unrealistic.

[CantExplain]

It was at time like this I used to wish Madame T would make an extra effort. She never did.

[clinpsycstudent]

Hi!

What were the aspects of your therapy that were most warm and engaging for you? Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to be able to discuss these specifically with your therapist - and how these could be met in the space of safe, therapeutic boundaries?

Boundaries become confusing and challenging (believe me, I know!) and when they are implemented differently, can leave someone feeling quite disconnected without explanation.

I am sure you will be able to feel warm and connected with your therapist again Being able to discuss ways in which you can still experience this within the boundaries (if new ones are implemented) may be quite helpful.

Best of luck - thinking of you!

[IndestructibleGirl]

No - of course I don't mean therapy where I feel 'good' after every session. I used to leave feeling incedibly raw and exhausted after discussing hard stuff but utterly confident in the therapy relationship. Now I leave the office and just feel realky alone and sometimes unhappy and I don't think it's therapeutic to always feel like this.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't want to pay for therapy that makes me feel unsettled or unhappy. I can't believe this is even an issue. When I used to pay before I would have crawled over broken glass to give her the money if I had to, because therapy was so wonderful and enriching.


This kind of jumps out at me. Do you mean that you want therapy in which you can have faith in the process as boundaried and appropriate, or that you want therapy that only leaves you feeling better after each session? The former is your right, and I think you need to address any issues which keep you from having such faith; the latter is unrealistic.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'm not explaining very well. I think what I mean is that no matter how tough things were before, the connection was strong and that kept a sliver of optimism alive even when I felt mostly hopeless.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Hmm it feel quite clear that PC think I'm being unreasonable lately, so I will try to take that on board. But it honestly doesn't feel as straightforward as that, it is sad but I cannot trust her like I used to and it tarnishes everything. Everything is uncomfortable.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I just think that we have run out of things to say regarding your T. She did some terrible things and totally broke down the therapeutic relationship. Really, it would be in your best interest to find a new T because she royally screwed up. That's what we have all said and every time you post about her, that's still the same conclusion we all get to. I don't know what else to say except what I have already said several times.

[Lauliza]

It seems to me from your posts that your no longer benefiting from seeing this therapist for multiple reasons. It could be that either your therapy has run it's course and no longer as useful or needed as it once was; or, the relationship between you and your T longer works and you need to find a new one. I know that the prospect of leaving a T that you once had a strong connection with is sad and a very difficult thing to do. But it just sounds like your therapist is not offering what you need anymore and you have more doubts and worries concerning T than anything else. Especially now that you have a new demanding job, any therapy you devote your free time to should be with a T that is effective, not one that adds stress.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I just think that we have run out of things to say regarding your T. She did some terrible things and totally broke down the therapeutic relationship. Really, it would be in your best interest to find a new T because she royally screwed up. That's what we have all said and every time you post about her, that's still the same conclusion we all get to. I don't know what else to say except what I have already said several times.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

It seems to me from your posts that your no longer benefiting from seeing this therapist for multiple reasons. It could be that either your therapy has run it's course and no longer as useful or needed as it once was; or, the relationship between you and your T longer works and you need to find a new one. I know that the prospect of leaving a T that you once had a strong connection with is sad and a very difficult thing to do. But it just sounds like your therapist is not offering what you need anymore and you have more doubts and worries concerning T than anything else. Especially now that you have a new demanding job, any therapy you devote your free time to should be with a T that is effective, not one that adds stress.

Good points, thank you

Well I finished therapy today, and have started calling around new Ts to investigate working with somebody else. Session was ok and I think I said enough of what needed to be said. But after, I felt completely horrible and **** and had desperate thoughts of self harm. Broke down into full on crying walking home - not just quiet discreet tears, oh no, but a mixture of sobbing and panic attack, drawing attention to myself. So I have texted and said I'm done.

I am so sad, but I know I'll get over it. Never gonna forget her though

[HazelGirl]

I'm so sorry things ended that way. I wish they had ended differently. It's important that you find a new T as soon as possible so you can talk about all of this because it has obviously hurt you a lot. I think a new T with better boundaries can help you so much more.

[Perna]

I don't see how you could trust her again like in the beginning. That she was out, sick, and messed up the therapy frame lately, no one let you know what was going on, etc., how could you get back to when she or her "boss"/agency did not mess things up? There is no reliability there anymore? Even if none of it were your fault, you had to call in and suggest a phone session and it is like you got a regular session only accidentally. If you had quit like you wanted to, then, this continuing scenario would not keep happening? It is like you are the only one in this business relationship that is taking it seriously.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I just think that we have run out of things to say regarding your T. She did some terrible things and totally broke down the therapeutic relationship. Really, it would be in your best interest to find a new T because she royally screwed up. That's what we have all said and every time you post about her, that's still the same conclusion we all get to. I don't know what else to say except what I have already said several times.

That's not at all what we have "all" said. That's your opinion, and others' vary, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in significant ways.

I believe the best thing here is to continue and work through the rupture, but that the only way to do that is to be straightforward and honest and present your feelings and needs moving forward to her, and then see how she responds, and if she responds well, to understand it will take a little time to regain or, actually, hopefully improve and build on, the former strength of the relationship.

-----------

I've just read that you terminated. Well, that's why I didn't want to say anything. The termination just echoes a lot of concerns you've said you were trying to resolve, repeating patterns that are repeating again since you've decided to leave. Hope things improve from here.

Short of health reasons for your Therapist, I think you should go back and have a better ending to what you started. But, more important you should reach with in yourself, and do what you think at the moment is right for you, not what we think here. I wish you the best in your healing journey.

[clinpsycstudent]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time with the termination - a goodbye is always difficult in any context - try and be gentle and kind with yourself.
As I always say, "Good things sometimes fall apart - so better things can fall together"
It is a fresh beginning and a new start. Be strong, keep your head held high - you have worked hard to get where you are and hopefully a new T will be able to unfold the next part of your journey with safer boundaries and understanding.

All the best and kia kaha (Be strong)

CS

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thanks all. I'm really unhappy about this tonight but it's for the best. I have cried for six hours, this is not normal for me. Admittedly, I was close to self harming just to try and get the unbearable loneliness and panic and despair out of my head. But I didn't, so I'm pleased.

Goingtogetthere, I don't think the therapist or I are capable of delivering a satisfactory closure session. Even today there was fresh hurt when she confessed that yes, I was actually too much for her. And fresh confusion when she said I am always in her head. I am so bewildered at why she set the situation up for this to happen - how can she not know how painful it was going to be? She said she knew she was 'brutal' in how she handled it. I expect that is the closest I will get to an explanation.

I will find closure somewhere else. But right now, I'm really struggling with feeling like I got vulnerable and let her in a tiny bit, she was revolted at 'seeing' me and it killed her love for me stone dead. So there's something really disgusting in me after all, after believing for just a while there wasn't.

I'm like a grim version of Elsa from Frozen, I need to refreeze up in my castle where I can't disgust people.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand the feeling of relating to Elsa. I do, too, in so many ways.

Sometimes, it's good to have a little bit of time to clear your mind. But don't let it go on too long. I'm so sorry the ending was so hurtful. I wish something could make it better, but that healing will only come with time.