What kind of touch in therapy?

My T and I hug at the end of every session. When I'm having a particularly emotional session, she will come and sit next to me for awhile. We have never held hands or kissed on the cheek. I think in most cases that would cross T's boundaries as, in the US, those are usually reserved for one's kids, close friends, and partners. However, for me, I feel so close to my T that I do view her as someone who would be within that kind of a circle. On the one hand, you could say I have maternal transference for her; on the other, I've been seeing her once a week for four years, share everything with her, trust her, and find her comforting. Maybe one day there will be an occasion where it feels natural and she does hold hands, or when I move away, maybe she'll give me a goodbye kiss on the cheek. Maybe not. I suppose that depends on her boundaries. I'm pretty affectionate, so I do hold hands and kiss most of my friends on the cheek. While I don't view T as a friend, I do view her as someone I'm very close to and feel a sense of intimacy with. As long as the affection was platonic, it would be within my boundaries.

I am thankful I didn't have to ask. I was so touched when, at the end of my session last week, my T opened her arms to offer one. I of course took it, but, given the fact I'm still having nervous issues with this whole therapy thing, I'm quite sure she could feel me shake. I, myself, love hugs, and on any given work day get SEVERAL a day, every day, but I've been very nervous over this whole "therapy thing," and amazed with MYSELF that when I did go to hug her, I hugged her tight. That's unusual...considering I barely know her yet....

10 Reasons Why We Need at Least 8 Hugs a Day

There is a saying by Virginia Satir, a respected family therapist, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

I am struggling with this so much atm. I just long to be hugged by my T (or anyone tbh!) I just feel really weird for admitting this and too afraid to ask for one from my T. She will definitely say no as I have been seeing her for 14 months and so far there has been absolutely no touch or even warmth from her. I then think this is me - she doesnt want to touch me - but probably hugs all her other clients.

There are a lot of people who just aren't warm and fuzzy like that. I'm betting it's not you, it's who she is. Personally, I think it would be nice if "warm and fuzzy" were in all t's job descriptions, but that's not always the case. Maybe print that article out and take it in with you....I'm betting you'll either get your wish, or find out that she is just not a hugging T. I've read about plenty of those on here already.

If I had a T who was a bit on the cold side, I'd want to find another.

Are you really? I hope so! Let me know how it went.

My session is on Thursday and I'm pondering on the why I need to hold his hand and if it would be beneficial to discuss it with him. I am well aware of the fact that I need it now that I'm going through the terrible aftermath of my breakup and feel utterly alone. And my T is definitely a father figure to me. But he is also a man, and I am a woman, and maybe there is some hidden desire for me to also feel acknowledged as a woman by him, even though I feel no attraction whatsoever to him.

But I am not sure I will be able to discuss this with him. I never reveal my vulnerable side, aka the fact that I need him. But lately I've come to think that this hinders my progress.

This is exactly how I feel, Harvest Moon. I also can't reveal my vulnerable feelings - mine are very similar except we are both female and I think I need maternal nurturing?! But it feels so needy and wrong of me to expect so much from her when I know I am only her job and I mean nothing to her. It hurts. I too don't know why I feel I need a hug so badly. It doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Maybe what is even more important than getting the hug/holding hands, is to explore why we need it so desperately. Having said that, we must risk our absolute terror of feeling vulnerable and be able to articulate our need. For example, I know that I only ask for things that can probably happen. I have never risked asking for anything for which there is a possibility of being denied. This pattern repeats itself with my T; something to be explored...

I have too much trouble as well believing that the therapeutic relationship is real. I cannot internalize it. I know my T cares when in session and wants me to get better, but that's about it. Mentally I understand it; but I cannot feel it.

I hated to be touched unless you were a kid. Then I had touch in therapy: arms around me, arm on my shoulder, me clinging to her like there is no tomorrow sometimes for a whole hour, caressing of my arm, head on her chest, hand holding, wiping away my tears, kisses on the forehead (thanks to a PC member saying her therapist did it) and cheek. After the first month we always sat on the sofa touching, unless I decided to fight against it. Sometimes, I felt to yucky (I'm a bad person) to be touched. In the beginning I would be drenched in sweat, because of fear and my Therapist would still hold me. She was willing to get my physical yuck on her. More importantly, I was able to let her hold me at that time. I learned that no matter what, I did not have to deny myself what was comforting, soothing, and healing for me. My mom was here ten days ago, and I went to hold her hand as we were walking to car lot after dinner, she pulled it away. I'm glad I had what I had in therapy, because now I can hold myself when no one is around.
When we see each other in public we hung when we meet, and when we say goodbye.

ETA: She also use to read to me. Kid books, and biographies. She even read to me over the phone.

My psychoD Therapist also, uses touch and gives great hugs.

Thank you for sharing, Gtgt. This really helps me. It makes me realize I am not such a bad person for wanting this connection. Am I?

Aaa, you deserve to have your needs met. Your burdens are many at the moment. Sometimes, those needs do change through empathic conversation with a therapist

. I hope you were able to have the discussion with your Therapist on what your needs are. She will say she can meet them, maybe not with touch or she can't meet them. Then the ball is in your court as to what has to happen next.

Some people here say that it is not about touch itself, it's about being able to feel contained by the conversation in session. And, I believe that is true for many, but i don't believe it would have worked for me. I ended up with a therapist that offered an alternative type of therapy, and it was successful for me.

I put every kind of touch down that I remembered. There was nothing perverse about the many hours she spent holding me, because her expertise told her that's what I needed, and the many hours I spent contesting being held, because I was not worthy. We all deserve to have our needs met, even the infantilized ones that scream out, and are only quieted for a moment by those harsh angry voices that we have internalized telling us to shut up, soldier up. We all deserve better, including you Aaa. Those voices in your head can change.

Warm hugs to you Aloneandafraid,

GTGT

PS: Psychodrama is a very powerful tool in learning to not be chained to our past. You get to write a new life script.

Thank you so much GTGT. This is really moving and I am so grateful to you for sharing. I really appreciate the support I have received from here. It took me a very long time to find the courage to post on here and I am so pleased I did.

I couldn't find the words to ask her if she hugs her clients today.,it was a very intense and emotional session as I did manage to tell her I felt abandoned last week and I told her i didn't feel she understood me or cared. She reassured me she does care and she said she wouldn't continue to see a client if she didn't think they needed to see her or could benefit from her time. She was actually very warm today - she said she thinks I have a miserable existence and she is very moved by my efforts to find the money to pay her each week. She said although she may not have experienced my situation she wants to support me. She said again that this relationship wouldn't work if we were friends.

I now feel absolutely exhausted and have a thumping headache. I have to collect one of my sons from a club and had to drive him there earlier and I almost fell asleep at the wheel! I feel kind of spaced out and distant again. I have eaten!

Sorry - too much information!

Thanks again so much for your support and for sharing.

I really appreciate everyone's support right now. Things are tough. Xx

My therapist has only touched me once, accidentally on the hand when she was pointing something out to me on a piece of paper I was holding and she removed her hand straight away. I don't know if that's because she is strictly against touching clients, or because she knows I hate being touched.... She does sit quite close next to me though, and has walked close next to me too, so I have no idea what she feels about it to be honest.

If she kissed me on the cheeks I would feel....very, very uncomfortable. People don't kiss on the cheeks where I come from. If she held my hand it would feel way to intimate for my liking. A hug...perhaps, although I don't know how I'd feel about it since I hate being touched. It might be ok on a last appointment though? Not sure about that one.

I think it depends on the therapist, and the reason you see them. Sometimes certain actions that would be strictly inappropriate are not in other cases.