I was unable to have my usual appointment this week due to a scheduling error on my T's part. I've been upset all week and whining like a baby (mostly to myself). That aside, I also had a rough week (and day), so I texted my T asking if he's had any cancellations. He didn't, so I sent a semi passive aggressive reply, and now apparently he wants to talk on the phone with me tomorrow, "if it will help."

I feel bad now, cause I don't know if he wants to do this out of guilt, or because he genuinely cares. I'm nervous cause I've never chatted on the phone with him before (let alone a weekend). And am now wondering if my problems are even warranted any of this. I got a reaction from him, like I wanted. And now I feel silly cause I might get nervous. Our last session focused on my feelings for him, and we made some serious headway. That all got interrupted with the lack of appointment this week.

Anyway, my question is, have any of you had contact with your T during non-business hours/weekend? What did it consist of? Was it just simply "checking in" or an actual mini therapy session? I feel like I am a complete nuisance and intrusion. Texting is one thing, but he's gonna have to take personal time from his own life just to talk with me. A lot of pressure. I'm probably making this bigger than it is. We will probably just talk for a few minutes and be done.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[Asiablue]

I have had many many weekend and evening calls with my T. My T is generous with her time and is also a talker so we end up talking for over an hour or for as long as it takes for me to be ok.

Every T is different tho so it's hard to say what form the call will take. But it sounds like he picked up on your passive aggressiveness and that you need something from him and he wants to help you get what you need. I think it's a sign he's paying attention to you and he cares. My T always says that I don't need to worry about her or her needs that she can and will do that for herself and if she offers to see me extra or speak to me on the phone it's because she can not because she feels she "has to". That if she felt like she needed a break or was too tired or busy, then she would take care of her own needs and wouldn't schedule me in at those times. So basically, if your T is offering his time then it's because he feels he can and wants to.

[SheHulk07]

I've had contact with my therapist outside normal hours, but it was always a quick 10-15 minute check in at the most.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I've had several phone conversations with my T outside of her regular business hours. What that conversation consisted of depended on what I needed. I've had short check in calls, I've had hour long sessions (which I was charged for, but knew that ahead of time), I've had half hour long calls where T helped me deal with emotions or a specific situations.

Something my T often reminds me of is that she wouldn't offer if she wasn't okay with it. So, your T would not have offered to have a phone conversation if he wasn't truly willing to do so.

[feralkittymom]

so I sent a semi passive aggressive reply[...] I got a reaction from him, like I wanted.

I think his saying he will accept a phone call is neither from guilt nor caring, especially. I think he's responding straightforwardly as a way of getting you to take responsibility for your needs. He will engage on the phone "if it will help," in other words, if you have a need that he can respond to. If you're just playing with him for attention, that's something worth acknowledging to him. Only you can know if the contact is necessary.

Most Ts who engage outside of session do so either in an emergency, or to avoid an emergency, or to meet some other therapeutic goal.

[HazelGirl]

I have spoken to my T only once. And she called me first in response to a text I sent her because she was driving to a store and had about a 15 minute drive where she could talk. And basically, she just listened to what I had to say and acknowledged that my day had been really hard. It wasn't really earth-shattering, but it did show that she cared.

my t and i live in different countries right now so we have very weird session hours , but we always did anyway even when she was just around here. we usually met after work, like 6-11 pm (we have really long sessions). or weekends.
now we meet odd hours like 2 am or 7 am or 8 pm depending on when we can fit our schedules together. we also meet on weekends. just whenever we can.

[Mactastic]

Would YOU offer to call someone you didn't like on the weekend to talk about something unless you didn't actually want to? Probably not. I think it's the same thing with your therapist. He's volunteered to give you some of his time over the weekend because he cares and probably knows the call will serve as a little boost between sessions. I see no harm in taking him up on his offer. As for me, I have never spoken to my T on the phone since before we even met on our phone consult. He's very accessible to me via email but we do not text and I have absolutely no way to contact him by phone. He doesn't even have a voicemail box, actually.

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[junkDNA]

my T and i text almost every day. even when hes off of work. ive talked to him on the phone at 3am once. but what helps me the most is when im hearing voices and the voices tell me not to take my meds and then if i do they get upset, so T calls me when i take my meds and he talks me thru it and tries to distract me by talking about something for a little bit, then we make a plan for the rest of the night. its usually around 8pm when he calls if this is the case. sometimes its later bc of my work. he knows this helps me and is always willing to do it.

i agree with feralkitty. the key words are "if it will help".

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I was unable to have my usual appointment this week due to a scheduling error on my T's part. I've been upset all week and whining like a baby (mostly to myself). That aside, I also had a rough week (and day), so I texted my T asking if he's had any cancellations. He didn't, so I sent a semi passive aggressive reply, and now apparently he wants to talk on the phone with me tomorrow, "if it will help."

I feel bad now, cause I don't know if he wants to do this out of guilt, or because he genuinely cares.

One of the two I see has talked to me on the weekend and at night. She says it is part of the package. I have done it about 3 times in about 4 years.

I think the part about whether the therapist cares or does it out of guilt is the wrong question or at least a question designed to keep you focused on the therapist instead of whatever reason you have to talk to the therapist on the weekend. First, if a therapist acts out of guilt on anything with clients - that therapist needs to deal with it with their own therapist. Second - the more relevant question is "will it help you" and if the answer is yes - then do it and don't focus on the therapist one way or the other. Are you trying to get the therapist to prove something about caring to you? How would it matter as long as the therapist is able to help you get figure out what you are doing/need/want etc?

Well he hasn't called yet.. Haha.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

And I certainly don't want to be pathetic waiting around for this call. **** it, I'm taking a nap.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[clairelisbeth]

I agree with the others-he wouldn't do it if he didn't genuinely care.

During non-business hours (evenings and weekends) I've had check-ins with my T that have been anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 minutes that have helped me feel solid and stable enough to get through till my next session. Sometimes it's just talking, sometimes it's making a plan-sometimes both.

There have been times where I've asked or she has offered to schedule an additional session before my regular one for additional support.

My T generally doesn't respond to me being passive-aggressive though...she wants me to ask for help. I definitely have acted passive aggressively though! (So no judgement ).

She always reassures me that if she wasn't able to talk/didn't want to than she wouldn't, and I trust her. She has told me that this is part of our "therapeutic agreement" and our work together. Ultimately, the goal is to be able to internalize our relationship and our work together enough to handle most things myself-and I've noticed that as our work progresses I am able to handle more things on my own, or to reach out to ppl IRL...but there is never any shame in asking our T's for support. We need to be able to trust that they wouldn't offer their time if they didn't want to.

My pdoc is pretty non-traditional and she also checks in with me on evenings and weekends for pretty substantial amounts of time (30 minutes, 45 minutes).

It doesn't happen often, but when I'm struggling, I'm really grateful that they are there.


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[tinyrabbit]

He wouldn't offer if he wasn't willing.

My T recently called me on a Sunday as I was really struggling. It was an odd experience but meant a lot to me that he did.

Well guess what. He never called. See, I knew this was too good to be true. I'm done with him.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[HazelGirl]

Why didn't he call? Maybe he expected you to call?

After he offered to talk on the phone I told him to call or text me when he had the time. So the ball was in his court. This was his idea anyway! I feel hurt and very abandoned.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by winenot3

After he offered to talk on the phone I told him to call or text me when he had the time. So the ball was in his court. This was his idea anyway! I feel hurt and very abandoned.

You have every right to feel this way. Can you text him and ask what's up?

I texted him saying, "alright then. Have a spectacular weekend." I know that will probably piss him off, but I don't care anymore. He doesn't really care about me, it's evident.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[clairelisbeth]

It's so hard, hurtful and upsetting when our Ts say they'll get in touch, and then don't-or it takes longer than we're expecting. This has happened to me too, where my T has said she'll get in touch, and then it took much longer for her to call than I thought it would-and when you're in emotional pain, and waiting for your T, the day seems to really crawl by.

I've felt a mixture of pain, sadness, anger, abandonment. In the past, I've fantasized while waiting about dropping out of therapy or hurting myself to make her feel guilty.

I never did those things (but I did sit and feel terrible)....and my T always came through.

Ultimately, we've talked about those feelings...but it took awhile for me to open up about it.

It sounds like you were already hurting, you needed your T and he didn't come thru (or he hasn't yet...the night isn't over!)......

Would it be possible to tell him about the feelings that him not getting in touch brought up for you? Also, remember-he probably wouldn't go from caring about you (as evidenced by his offer to call) to totally not caring. There might be another explanation.

I hope the rest of your night goes ok. I know how upsetting and hard this kind of thing is. ::



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[HazelGirl]

I am so sorry. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means he's human and makes mistakes. He might have had a crazy weekend.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am so sorry. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. It means he's human and makes mistakes. He might have had a crazy weekend.

Thank you for your concern.

He did call after all, but it was later on in the evening. He seemed oddly formal. Like, "Hi, this is xxx from xxx counseling center." Like I didn't know who he was? Like I haven't texted him a million times? The conversation seemed somewhat rushed, even though he did talk to me for 30 minutes. I felt like maybe someone was within earshot or something (his girlfriend, perhaps?). We talked about how I'd been doing, and he tried to help, offering me the best advice he could. He is good with stuff like that, and calming me down. Immediately though I felt that my problems weren't worth a phone call, but, again, this was his idea.

For the first time I witnessed him not being 100% present with me, because this wasn't the therapy room. There was no privacy I guess like there usually is?

In any case, it just felt weird. Was this not the same person who just said that he knows how worried I am about my feelings for him being inappropriate, unethical, that he's going to just want to get rid of me? etc? Did he not just say last session that he knows me better than I know myself? I felt like I was talking to a stranger.

I was talking to my sister about this and she got upset with me. She said he shouldn't have "rewarded" my childish passive-aggressive behavior by responding to me with a phone call, and that I need to stop seeing him. Look, I know I'm in way over my head here. But I'm sick of feeling condemned for having feelings I can't control. She said that she's surprised he hasn't terminated me yet. Things like that make me think maybe he just should, based on my actions alone. If how I'm operating IS so wrong, why isn't he getting rid of me then?

He does help me with my problems and goals. The issue is that I think about him too much, because I'm lonely. That's it. I want to get over this, but I feel that I'm just making it worse, and he might just be perpetuating it. It's hard not to be angry, cause I know he's trying to help. If he terminates me, he'll be "abandoning" me, but if he keeps seeing me, he might be reinforcing my unhealthy behaviors. And this isn't his fault. *I'M* the one who is doing this, not him. *I'M* the one who deals with my issues with men in an unhealthy fashion. *I'M* the one who is constantly trying to cross boundaries. He's just a bystander. I feel awful. Like I said, we were starting to make progress last Friday by really unraveling this, and then the scheduling error happened. And I'm back to square one thinking he hates me.

[HazelGirl]

Your sister is dead wrong. She probably finds your ability to express your emotions frightening and so reacts angrily, telling you that you're wrong. Google "gaslighting" because it sounds like that's what she did to you.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your sister is dead wrong. She probably finds your ability to express your emotions frightening and so reacts angrily, telling you that you're wrong. Google "gaslighting" because it sounds like that's what she did to you.

She thinks it's in my best interest to ditch him. You don't think I'm being inappropriate and taking this too far? Everyone I've talked to says that I need to stop. And it's painful because I feel like he's the only person that really understands me. I don't want to give him up.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by winenot3

She thinks it's in my best interest to ditch him. You don't think I'm being inappropriate and taking this too far? Everyone I've talked to says that I need to stop. And it's painful because I feel like he's the only person that really understands me. I don't want to give him up.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

What does "everyone" you've talked to know about therapy? And how much do they really know about your therapy, as you're not that clear on it yourself- the version they get is partial anyhow and colored. If you really don't know, I'd advise you consult with an experienced, independent therapist who'll know both the work and what questions to ask you, not folks who are pretty likely to buy into your resistance because they don't know what resistance is.