[musinglizzy]

It's inevitable. I'm quite sure of it. You pour your heart out to one single person, who may be able to help you get your head on straight. They learn your deepest, darkest secrets, and come to know you better than most friends and family do.

I am only two sessions in. I was insanely, uncontrollably nervous for the first session. Then, last week, I was more calm, having an idea of what to expect, but still had a hard time finding the answers to some of her questions, and again held my breath for almost the entire session. It will take me a little while to learn how to talk to her. To learn how to talk about myself. Now...this week...I'm kind of looking forward to my appointment. I realized pretty quickly that we would probably "click." I'm very happy for that, as she was the first T I looked into.

I'm afraid I'll back out just when things get "good." Well, bad, however you see it...as far as getting into the stories and feelings that have festered inside my whole life. Why? I'm afraid of feeling dependent on her. Feeling close to her. Of course, to have a good T, there has to be a bond, trust, an understanding. But you are doing so with a person that CAN'T be your friend. You are their patient. Their job security. You pay them to listen to you talk about your problems, past, present, future, they are not a friend.

I finally started therapy (knowing I should have years and years ago), but what held me back was what I just described. We go to therapy because we hurt. We are unhappy. It seems to me that we could just become MORE hurt, and MORE unhappy by starting this close, trusting relationship, and knowing it cannot go beyond those office walls. It's like giving a child a piece of candy for the first time, letting them take a little taste, and then taking it away. I don't know how long therapy for me would last on its own. Months? Years? Decades? I am unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin.... and even though I'm 40 years old, there are times I can see where my past has shaped me as a human being still to this day. I grew up in an abusive home, and am proud I turned out ok. But inside, I'm just an emotional mess. There are a lot of things that I could use "help" getting beyond. But my main reason for going to see a T was my marriage. It's fading. Of course, right now, she's been focusing more on things that happened in the past.

I'm afraid of eventually feeling like I need her....and I don't want to need anyone. I want to be able to look within myself for comfort, answers, etc...which is kinda why I'm there to begin with.

It's human nature to become close to someone you're sharing your heart and soul with. And I DON'T WANT THAT. Because it's not real. I have had enough disappointment in my life to know that if I can avoid it, I will. I'm only seeing a T because, firstly, my doctor kept bugging me to do so, and secondly, it was either see a T or hire a lawyer to start the big D process.

I have seen a lot of people on here who appear to feel the way I don't want to let myself get to. Just how do I do that? Consciously knowing that it could happen...how do I avoid it? I"m quite sure, knowing me, if I felt like I was getting too close, I'd run away and never look back.

[HazelGirl]

Welcome to the dilemma of every person in therapy. If she is a good T, eventually you will come to a place where you understand that the relationship you have, although not as a friend, is special and important just as it is. And you will come to value the relationship for what it is, rather than fear it for what it is not.

The journey to that place is hard, though. It's very worth it, but hard.

[stopdog]

I consider it a possibly useful evil. Like gnawing your arm off to release it from a trap, or subjecting yourself to chemotherapy.

[musinglizzy]

that's funny right there....lol

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I consider it a possibly useful evil. Like gnawing your arm off to release it from a trap, or subjecting yourself to chemotherapy.

I think I see it this way, too. Definitely feels like a last-resort-possibly-useful evil to me /:

[musinglizzy]

Understood....but sheesh, I've seen so many posts full of heartbreak here...and I just don't want me to be one of them down the road.

[HazelGirl]

But some of the posts talk about great T's who are incredibly helpful. It's sort of like hearing about how painful and horrible divorce is. But at the same time, a great marriage can be amazing.

[growlycat]

I have a hard time believing that T's care isn't "real" .

Yes, I totally relate to not wanting to depend emotionally on a T, yet needing to.
Yes, there are boundaries but that doesn't keep you from a deep, nurturing interaction that heals. I hope you get the opportunity to discover the deep care that therapy can provide.

I have to say, after years of psychodynamic therapy, it saved my life. Yet Cbt t has shown me that equal time needs to be given to the present and future too.

I hope you find what you need and stick around to enjoy it.

[musinglizzy]

Oh, I believe they truly care, or they wouldn't be in this profession. It takes a special person to be a T. I don't believe I could do it. I care very much, very deeply for those I love, but I'm afraid I would get too sucked into the issues in everyone else's lives. Just in the very short time I've seen her, I can tell my T cares already.

If my "fears" start getting the best of me, I may just write my thoughts down....and maybe share them with her if I need to. I suppose being very open and up front from the beginning can help. It certainly can't hurt!

Thanks!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Oh, I believe they truly care, or they wouldn't be in this profession. It takes a special person to be a T. I don't believe I could do it. I care very much, very deeply for those I love, but I'm afraid I would get too sucked into the issues in everyone else's lives. Just in the very short time I've seen her, I can tell my T cares already.

If my "fears" start getting the best of me, I may just write my thoughts down....and maybe share them with her if I need to. I suppose being very open and up front from the beginning can help. It certainly can't hurt!

Thanks!

I think it's absolutely essential to be open and up front about everything. You might even benefit from telling her what you wrote here.

I don't know. I had what I thought was the perfect therapy relationship for seven years. It ended in such a way that I believe I am severely and permanently damaged. I am old and tired and unable to heal the way I could have when I was younger. I just don't have the strength and energy to pick myself up anymore.

I wish I had answers. The potential for great harm is definitely there. I wish I had guarded myself better, protected myself better. I will never make the mistake of totally trusting someone again. maybe I can heal a little, but what he did to me will never be totally healed.

Pleas for give me in advance if I am being to direct, yet I feel a need to say this. It sounds that you want to set up your therapy and direct it as soon as you get in the therapy room. And, you have the choice do that, or you can work with your Therapist and decide together. I feel you are asking people here to write your script first. I think you should be careful, and maybe address these threads to your therapist, and you two figure it out together. I don't mean to be harsh, yet I see you doing a lot of what I did. I took the forum into therapy as protection from letting a natural process happen. I did not post my own threads for direction from others, I used their situations as my own. What was happening negatively to them was going to happen to me. And, it ain't necessarily so.

You can do therapy by working on immediate situations that you need practical advice to sure up, and maybe your therapist will do therapy that way, but you have to tell her what you want.

Good luck to you in getting what YOU REALLY WANT.

[JustShakey]

It isn't real, but it is. Just because it's imaginary doesn't mean it's not real. if it's not real why does it hurt so much? Why am I in so much pain over a person who was in my life for less than a day in total when you tally the hours?
Oh, it's real alright, because the pain is real, but the pain doesn't really originate in the therapeutic relationship, it's just amplified by it. It's the stuff that you carry around with you that's maybe ruining your life. The purpose of therapy is to isolate it so it can be healed. I see it as being a little like re-breaking a poorly healed bone so it can be properly set. Or, like Stopdog said, chemotherapy - poisoning yourself and hoping it'll kill the cancer before it kills you.