[musinglizzy]

First off, let me say I believe my husband to be "anti therapist." I have not told him I'm going, but he sees it as a sign of weakness. We are having some pretty major issues in our marriage, and I believe there will come a time where he's given an ultimatum. Join me for couples therapy, or buh bye.

I have started on my own, thinking it would be helpful for me first of all, but secondly, so that if I CAN get him to go, she will already know the story.

But thinking more about it....do you think, if I can get him to go, seeing her would not be a good idea since I've seen her individually? I really want to see her, but could there be issues with "being biased?" I have complete confidence that she would be able to see both sides of our story equally, but he may not think so. I guess, in which case, perhaps he could go alone for awhile, as she has a male colleague he might be more comfortable with instead.

Liz

[HazelGirl]

Most T's won't see individuals and couples at the same time. She will probably want you to find a different couple's T.

[Freewilled]

My T gave me a referral for a marriage counselor. I know it wouldn't work with my T because he would be biased, IMO. Also, it could harm my relationship with my T too.....don't want to go there myself.

[musinglizzy]

Hmmm...guess I'll have to ask about that. In our first session I did mention bringing him in later on. She agreed. But maybe meant "to therapy," not necessarily with her. She does do couples therapy....

[OneWorld]

Bringing him to YOUR therapy is different than you both going together to couples therapy.

I would find a new T that would start from scratch with us as a couple if I could ever convince my husband to go.

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[Favorite Jeans]

Agree with above. Although I know it works for some people here, I think it's a terrible idea to use your individual T as a couple's T. The fact that she has the back story from you would be really unfair to your husband. Also, it would feel very upsetting to me if my T, who I've come to see as being "on my side" were very empathic toward my spouse with respect to a conflict between us.

You didn't ask but I also think it's best to stay away from ultimatums. You can say "I feel us growing apart and i don't see us staying together unless we take serious steps to save our relationship, can we talk about ways to do that?" or something. IMHO an ultimatum is just a way to ensure that the other person gets their back up and feels hostile toward your suggestion.

[musinglizzy]

Makes a lot of sense. Thank you!
I surely wouldn't want to jeopardize my relationship with my T. I'm sure if I asked her, she'd probably agree. when I mentioned bringing him in later on, she probably didn't realize I was talking about bringing him in to see HER. But someone in general. Not quite sure why I'm worrying about it, he won't go anyway I'm quite sure.

My husband and I and my son all see the same T individually and sometimes as a couple and sometimes as a family in different configurations. If you have a therapist well versed in family therapy, it can work quite well, and it definitely helps that all of us buy into therapy and how it can help us. The sessions in pairs or groups are entirely different than what goes on individually really. It has worked beautifully for us but we do have a T with strong experience working with family dynamics.

[growlycat]

Probably best to keep personal therapy and couples separate. Otherwise, there will be a suspicion of a bias, even if one isn't there. A fresh T will offer fairness to both parties.