[growlycat]

Can't sleep…therapy in the am before work.

Maybe this is what a midlife crisis looks like. I have this overwhelming feeling that this isn't where I'm supposed to be , that I am not with "my people" whatever that means I guess.

I feel like I am supposed to be somewhere else with other people, doing something meaningful. I feel like begging T for insight, not that he will know either.

I want to know more about him, mostly to understand what I can learn from him and what I can't. For example, as a teen, I latched onto a teacher for dear life when I was suicidal. I found out years later he was fighting cancer at the time. Were we bad for each other? I made him angry I think, because I wanted to throw away what he desperately wanted to hold onto, while there I was wondering why he wasn't as empathetic as I needed.

I'm someone who does not not believe in fate, yet I feel something off course.

Rambling, I know. Thanks for listening.

[Aloneandafraid]

I just want you to know that I relate 100% to everything you have written. I hope your session goes well. Let me know. Thinking of you.

[sweepy62]

Hoping you have a meaningful session, sorry you are feeling this way. Keep us updated. Hugs.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Maybe fate exists and maybe it doesn't. Who really knows? One thing that is very real is intuition. Try to focus on those feelings because those are the ones that guide you in the right direction. It can be hard to really hear it, though, because intuition is sort of innate and directed toward our needs, but our minds are so focused on the present and what we want (or think we want) which makes it easy to ignore.
And also maybe Ally is delirious and not making any sense. I apologize if that's the case. Either way I hope your appointment goes well and that your T is able to offer guidance and insight. It is never too late to start something new or advance to something more meaningful and fulfilling. I think in general everyone finds their "purpose" at different times in life.

And.....a 7:00am appointment!? Is it hard to have sessions before work?

[growlycat]

Thanks everyone!!! It means a lot.
Feeling a little queasy this morning from not enough sleep but good to go.
Let's see what today/today's session brings!!!

Those 7am pats are rough!!!

Yes, 7am sounds like a tough appointment time unless you're an extreme morning person! I hope it goes well.

[Lauliza]

I just wanted to say that I totally relate to your post. I think if things seem "off" or if you don't feel comfortable in your own skin (the only way I could describe my feelings) then that's a good place to focus your therapy. I hope the session goes (or went) well!

[RTerroni]

I sort of felt that way last night with today being the final session ever with my current Therapist (I did manage to sleep a handful of hours), my final session is less than 3 hours away.

[unaluna]

Sounds like a message from the universe. When youre in sync with the universe - doing what youre supposed to be doing - those messages come in pretty clearly. That hasnt happened often in my life, but a few times i actually have been in sync. Doors just opened.

[Wysteria]

Hey Growlycat...

Like all, wish you the very best...I hope your session is over now and that you are feeling okay.. Please do let us know...

It's so hard when you know there are things waiting in the wings to discuss. I have appt early afternoon and also very anxious..
We were probably pacing together in the middle of the night.

Gentle hugs,
WB

[Perna]

How'd it go, growlycat?

[growlycat]

Wow, everyone THANK YOU for all of the support and thoughtful words!!! It means a lot. Sorry it took so long to update!!! I go to work all day right after 7am CBT T. Ugh!!

Therapy went WAY better than expected.
I admitted to him that I didn't sleep very well. After some updates with CBT T on "housekeeping" issues (homework etc. re driving fears and health homework) he changed gears and asked me about the sleeplessness and what it is about.

I told him that a (younger) coworker's comment sent me into a state of questioning who I spend my days with, and feeling off course somehow. I love my work but it has taken over my identity. (I have been encouraged since I was very young to invest in my creative abilities, to the point where it is everything)

He is so motivating. He talked to me about passions, interests, etc. My homework is to create two pie charts. One is my identity by life segment (work/friends/family/hobbies/volunteering etc.) as it is right now. The second pie chart I will create to show what I think is should look like-REBALANCED. If the second pie chart is too daunting, I need to list all of the things that interest me or I have some sort of interest in. Even if I feel ambivalent.

Near the end, I was running out of time, but I worked up the courage to ask "I have something personal I've wanted to ask for some time and you may not answer and that's ok. After a big pause I spit it out, "What motivated you originally to become a therapist?"

I though he wouldn't answer, but he did. Enthusiastically. He told me about his experience in high school (and he was a theater kid--I had him pegged as a jock! Wow I was so wrong!) and he missed the chance to take a psych course with a charismatic instructor. So as an undergrad he went for Psych out of sheer curiosity. There is more to the story and he seemed excited to tell me next week. I think he even went over a little as he kept chatting near the door.

Maybe T's get excited when someone actually takes interest in them too? Just a guess, but a great experience overall.

Maybe I'll share part of my homework! I'm motivated to work on it…maybe after a full night's sleep at the moment.