A need I have, re visited.

So I spoke to T about my "revelation" re the trauma reinactment. She nodding in agreement and said that though the breaks are painful, they also have a healthy quality about them as we get to work through the unprocessed raw emotions they stir up.

I told her that I in a way want to do it again LOL . She said dont worry we will be lol. But seriously it was really helpful the pain I experienced over this last break.

I told her its so hard trying to talk about feelings I have no memory off. But now at least I am getting into the "deeper" work and will eventually process all these archiac feelings.

I also mentioned how putting down the "need" to be abandoned, it leaves a hole, it feels unfamiliar not to be in crisis, it also feels like I am letting go of the last and only connection I have/had to my bio mother. BUT I have faith that what I will be left with, will be so much better. onwards and upwards LOL

What good, hard work you're doing, Mouse! Good news though; your bio mother (and father) will come back to you stronger; your genes are there and there are ways you are "like" them, not just in looks but personality attributes and other characteristics. I study genealogy because of the "rooted" feeling it gives me; I'm not really alone, there's all those women (and men) who have gone before me. I have a picture of my a great grandfather and I see my brother's eyes, my great grandmother (with whom I feel a strong connection but I never met her) I have found several similarities in our lives and she died 10+ years before I was born, etc.

I have a book where the author was talking about being a Jewish woman (I'm not Jewish) and preparing the Passover meal the way the women in her family had (with handed down special china too) for hundreds and thousands of years and feeling a connection and I didn't understand that feeling, was kind of jealous. But now I do understand and feel it. We don't really "start over." My daughter-in-law is adopted and you can see looks and traits of hers in the grandbabies, I'm sure you've seen yourself in your children. It works the other way too. Even though we haven't met these earlier women, we are "part" of them and they've been through some of the same things we have, etc.

Hi Perna,
We actually discussed today me trying again to trace my roots. I've tried unsuccessfully before. My T mentioned that the mormon society maybe able to help, as they keep records of people's births and deaths or the catholic society as my bio mother was catholic. Anyways I can only try I guess.

There's several good sources, ways to go about it if you have names: http://www.ukgenealogy.co.uk/england.htm

My entire genealogy is UK (but US in most directions for at least 125-300 years back, the most recent immigrant was 1873, from London :-) One of the biggest thrills is finding second cousins; your grandparents' siblings' grandchildren, and other people working on finding the same ancestors you are. It's like belonging to a group like PC only even more "personal" because everyone feels related and are working together toward the same goal. I have a "friend" now, almost 1100 kilometers away and my great great grandmother was her great great grandfather's sibling :-) She has the surname so she goes way back and gave all that to me and suddenly I add 100+ years to what I know and some stories, primary materials, etc. Makes this little "tree" feel more rooted :-)

Have you ever tried "talking"/journaling a letter to your birth mom? I have literal letters my great grandmother I feel connected to wrote and I think about/"talk" to her occasionally. Just the feeling she would understand/care about my life and how it's going makes me feel better. I've done the same with my Mom too but feel closer to my great grandmother.