[Jordy]

So yesterday was the big day: In the morning I met with a social worker to get a spot in a group home and finally leaving home. I was nervous wreck about this, and luckily the first ten minutes or so, were only about giving basic information. Then I had to explain my family situation, this was quite hard on me, and at one point I had to ask if we could stop as it was quite triggering. Luckily the social worker agreed and said she knew enough for my case to be justified. She also asked me why I was asking for help now... this was quite difficult for me to answer, but I finally admitted that before making the appointment I had a suicide attempt planned for last night (which I now know would have miserably failed, but that's another story)... At that point not even T knew this... but i think admitting it really helped to justify my needs.
So we went over different group homes, and the good news is I only have to apply once to be on several different waiting lists. I was already thinking about applying at different palces, but this won't be necessary. We decided on 4 different group homes i will apply to, there's one I really prefer, but I don't want to be too picky. I only refused one that is in my brothers town, where I would probably see him on a regular basis, and one where I would not be able to get to work by public transport if my mother takes my car from me.
I have an appointment with their psychologist on Thursday for an evaluation, and this will determine if I will really be put on the waiting lists or not. I'm really nervous about this, but I try not to stress out too much...


Two hours later I had a session with T. I got there on time, but she immediately apologized saying it was a hectic day and she would be late. That was ok with me, so I settled down in the room our session woudl be in, while she was in the second one with another client. She had to come in a couple times to get some stuff (prescription pad, stamp....) and noticed I wasn't playing on my phone as usual, so she asked if I was holding up ok.
When the session finally started she wanted to know all about my appointment for the group home. I could see how proud she was and that felt really good. We spent a while talking about all my fears, and she even said that when I called her for help on thursday she knew things had to be really bad for me to reach out to her.
At that point I asked her how surprized she was about the call, and all she said was: It's a long and slow process with you, but we're getting there...
Not really the answer I was looking for, but I'm ok with that. At least she promised me I would never lose here, that she'll be there for as long as I want her to and that she would never terminate me.

There's so much more I could tell about yesterday, but after a night of work/party/camping in an art gallery... I'm really tired and need a nap.

[sweepy62]

I'm so proud of you jordy you made a great effort, I know this is scary but you can do it, and you have your therapists support. Did you tell your mom?

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[HazelGirl]

Good job, Jordy. I am very proud of you, as well! That was so hard, but you were honest and that's what you needed! Good for you!

[Jordy]

Thank you! Yes it was hard, but I'm so glad I did it. Now I try not to freak out too much about the appointment with the psychologist. The funny thing is when I first told T about having to see this psychologist T immediately went into protective mama bear mode, asking why I would need that. She knows I've made bad experiences with T's in the past, and I bet at that point she was thinking something along the lines of: noone better messes with my Jordy's mind!

When I explained it was a required evaluation, not therapy or regular sessions, she was fine with it and said it was understandable. Therapy is apprently possible at that place for free, but I'd rather stay with T.

Sweepy: my mom doesn't even know about T (or I suspect she chooses to pretend not knowing), so there's no way I could tell here about this until I absolutely have to.

[Raging Quiet]

Well done Jordy

[Jordy]

OMG! I've just googled this psychologist and not only is this woman a ride, she's a competitive show jumper!!! I know about preoffessional secret and all, but she apparently spends every weekend at the competitions I used to go to a few years ago. I still have many contacts, and while I'm nowhere near famous, I know a lot of people there. Also one of my horses has a really special name and story, I so hope she never slips up and mention him there!
Actually I'm thinkng about not telling her his name, as it's not relevant, but still, it's so weird to think that this woman is every weekend aroound so many people I know... I'm not really ok with it, but have no choice...

[HazelGirl]

It will be okay. In fact, you might find that you and she have something in common because you know the same types of people. She isn't allowed to say anything about her clients, and I am sure there are others there who are also in therapy. It will be okay.

[Jordy]

you're right, this may actually be a good thing. Hopefully this will allow me to trust her enough to open up for the evaluation. And I think she should be able to understand the relationship I have with my horses and that no mater what I can't give them up, I can't fail them...