Dissociation after all this time.

T always wears black. 10yrs, black.
Last Friday must have been "wash day", she had sky blue on
Ok, I remark how I find it strange, seeing her in blue.
We carry on. I mention dates I'm going away, T hands me her summer dates. This is early to receive her dates. She done it with apologies as she returns the week I'm away.
We carry on. I'm talking about something or other and I suddenly look round at T - I'm normally make little eye contact - and I see an expression that I read as her being bored and not wanting to be there.
I must add, that has never happened in 10yrs.
It was how she was rubbing her head, and her eyes.

I tell her right there and then what I think. That she doesn't want to be there.She's bored .

T does that raised eyes look.
I remain silent. Resorting to one if my protection actions, counting in ny mind the books on her shelves.
T says, you can rely on them but feel you can't rely on me at the moment? Even if you count wrong, you can correct it, count them again.

Session ends.

Monday I walk in feeling strange about what had gone on in Friday's session.
T says, let's talk about it. I say, nothing to talk about, you didn't want to be here. T says, and that's absolute to you isn't it?
I say, yes. And if you're going to say my mother looked like that, she didn't.

T says, I think 3things were 'wrong' last session, which jolted you. Firstly, my t-shirt, 2nd, I gave you holidays dates early and 3rdly I was aware of an itch that was distracting me which you read as me being 'not here'or not wanting to be here.
She than said, no, I don't think your mother gave that same look, but your reaction felt vital to me, it felt deeper, I think it came from a time when you were very young, and needed to be picked up, attended to and your mother Mmay or may not have attended to you, if she did we know she was never emotionally there.
I felt nothing as she said this, BUT than, as I begun to process what she had said, I begun to almost fall asleep. Iknow felt like I was under water.
I saw a young child under water in crisis. I was just an observer.
T asked what was going on. I tried to tell her, but felt so numb that talking was an effort.
This went in most of session.
I remember saying as I left that the words she spoke seemed to have entered another parallel, and I smacked ny chest and said, but they mean nothing to me.
I left.
I'm still thinking over all of this, surprised at the intensity I experienced.
My unconscious is a strange beast.

That sounds really hard, Mouse. I hope you are feeling better now.

Dude that is fascinating. Intense. That you were able to be as aware of it as you were, to report back. To access a new memory. Ive been rote reporting the same old memories for so long, its like they only go so deep and no further. Every little next step is a geometric increase in awareness.

I think you are both coping really well.