to go back or not

Hello everyone, I have a dilemma I would appreciate some insight on.
I saw my T two separate times last year for an eating disorder. Once from feb-april and once from august-november and in November I basically decided I wasn’t ready to recover and told her I needed to quit. She was good about it and offered to help me get more intensive help and said to let her know whenever I was ready she would be willing to see me again if I wanted. But obviously I felt like ***** for quitting..twice!

So now I’m in a weird place. I’m so tired of struggling with my eating disorder but I’m afraid I might still be in the same mindset as before- not quite ready to recover. So part of me wants to go see her again but I’m worried it might end in me quitting yet again! And in addition to this- when I saw this T I really depended on her. Like transference? I don’t know but I thought about her a lot and I missed her when I wasn’t at therapy. So I’m worried that I just want to go back to therapy because I miss her and feel like I need her? And I DON’T want that! I just want a therapist- I don’t want someone I feel so needy and dependant on. What do I do. I’m ashamed to ask her to see me again- I’m a real big failure.

A therapist very often is someone that elicits a feeling of neediness and the worries that go with it, that's just how it's going to be for many people. Because the point is, we need help, and need to attach to someone to get that help. If healing your ED were as simple as stopping or having someone tell you to stop, you obviously would have.

Rather, what you need is someone to know you intimately and work with you on your most difficult, personal issues. So... the dependency will be part of the work, but the beauty of that is that with a good therapist/client pair, those feelings go from uncomfortable to healing and wonderful with a little time.

Also, you don't have to be 100% committed to recover: you can actually ask your therapist to help you through, and maybe as a team you'll find more motivation than you can summon up by yourself. It already sounds like you're strong and brave to have done some therapy twice, and it could well get easier each time.

Its not about how many times you fall, its about how many times you get back up. Even if you rest a while in between

Hello, cka87. Would you consider therapy again if you were to see a different therapist?

youre not a failure, youre just hurting. I think you should go back...feelings of neediness aren't bad.

You can also choose to work on what is causing the eating disorder, which may then lead to working on the eating disorder itself. I know I don't want to stop self harming at this point, and we are working on the underlying causes more so than focusing on the coping mechanism itself. The only agreement we have is that I tell her how it is going if she asks, and seek medical attention if needed. Other than that, we focus on daily stressors and past trauma.

When I walked into therapy I told my therapist she wasn't aloud to take my eating disorder a way or even talk about it.

So we talked about other stuff as time went on I'd say little remarks about my eating disorder until I had a full blown conversation about it. As time went on I realized I wasn't as recovered as I thought. She told me a while before but I refused to believe her. I slowly talked about Ana and Mia how I interact with them. Then I brought in a 'plate' a visual of how much I ate in a day she was shocked because portions were so off but nothing was said. Eventually I naturally started eating more ( with help of meds). We noticed patterns and I agreed if I don't eat or drink for over 36 hours I'll go to the crisis unit.

I'm not recovered, she had to deal with me flipping out and terrified about gaining weight last session. She still doesn't mention it before I do. So even if your not ready you can still benefit from therapy that doesn't center on ED. If you want to quit go in talk about it, be angry, whatever but show up. I talk/talked fondly of ED she doesn't try to correct that but takes note.

Look, you can't let ED win. As long as you show up your beating it. You don't need to want to recover to get help.

i HATE that fact. I hate that i get dependent and needy, it makes me feel so bad and plus i just want to get through this on my own but clearly i cant. i dont know how to accept help, that was something we touched on in therapy but i still can't handle asking for help.

@glok- i'd consider it but i liked this therapist. it took me years to summon the courage to go so switching to a new person would be scary to say the least. but tbh going back to my old therapist is so shameful for me i think it might be easier to start over with someone new. i'm so embarrassed to go back.

@thiswayout & miguels mom- i know what you're saying sounds logical but when i get to therapy i feel like my life is so so empty, it consists of nothing but my ED. i was never able to talk to her about anything else because i feel like a flat, 1 dimensional character. i've got nothing and no identity except an ED and i'm not even 'succesful' god im just rambling now. back to my original point IF i do go back how can i ask for help?. why is it so hard to ask for help

Its hard because your going against everything you know. Every once of your body is telling you no but you have to go against it. Are you currently on any medication to help? Can you write the word help and give it to her? You are not your ED. Please get a journal and write a paragraph about your day without mentioning ED. please go back to therapy.

Dear CKA87,

Asking for help is very hard and ED would very much like to stay in the dark and twist your thoughts and convince you that you don't need help.

Your T is a force of light and knows that you are fighting and has shown herself to be very patient and wise. You are not your Ed. You are someone special and unique and in a great deal of pain. The ed is not about food anyway. It is about control and filling a void inside ourselves...a place of pain.

I'm very proud of you for wanting to go back to T and would highly advise you to do so. Ed wants you to live in some sort of pain or shame so it will thrive. But your T can help you find a way to become stronger and stronger and open the doors that let in light. Please do find a way to muster that courage and call and get in to see her as soon as possible. The more light and connection you have the stronger you will be to make your own decisions and be healthy and free. Freedom is what you really want. You are SOOO much more than you can see right now. You can do this, honestly.

Lovingly,
Wysteria Blue

I am in this place too.

Thanks so much for all your kind words to put things in perspective. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, I know I should go back, I think I will , I just don't know when.

@AAA- pm me if you ever want to talk