Talking to T about sex

These are very interesting questions! I am not sure I can answer them all here...... my father left when I was 2, I had a step father from 11. Sex was NOT allowed to be talked about. I think I felt like a sexual object form a very early age, I didn't know why and I don't now that I have written it(well not exactly). I was then raped at 14(an again at 18) and well......... sex has always been an issue. I can't say more sorry.....but I really need to be able to work through this.

Just writing that feels like I have done something wrong.......I have never verbalised the 'sexual object' thing before. Maybe its good for me write this? I dunno...now I just feel ikky.

Sorry if that was too probing. It kind of makes sense that you'd feel that way if you weren't allowed to talk about sex and then were traumatized in a sexual way. It's really hard to find words for stuff that you're ashamed of. It's bad enough to be raped but it makes it so much more horrible if you have no language to describe it, no experience talking sex and already know yourself to be icky.

You're not icky at all though. I'm sorry this is hard. I can definitely relate.

If it helps, I don't think you're icky.

I have never had sex, so whenever I went to therapy, I was more concerned that the therapist would bring up the topic and force me to admit what a loser I am or would wonder what was wrong with me that nothing in my life related back to sex.

Oh, it's ok FJ, it actually was a good thing because I made a connection in my head about the 'object' thoughts. So thanks for that. That'll give me something to think about and discuss with T........at some stage.

Yeah...

My T is a guy, at least a foot taller than me and about three times as wide...

I'm bisexual, so gender shouldn't affect it for me, but talking about sex (or anything girlstuff-related really) with a very large man is just... awkward...

Personally, I use as much humor and sarcasm as I can get away with. Otherwise I think I'd be the color of the sun hiding behind the sofa

My T and I accidentally stumbled on that topic. She was asking me how I retaliate against my fiance when he's abusive. It took me about 5 minutes to say the word deprivation She told me to try to not shut down, and she asked me a few more questions (w/o saying any word that is associated with sex). Then she told me I could shut down for now

I have so much shame with this topic. My fiance even uses words like "it" or points so that I don't get uncomfortable. An ex-T helped me with some issues. I communicated via writing, she suggested a book to read, and then she answered any questions I had. But I never verbalized one word pertaining to sex

Because, of my puritanical upbringing it was hard to get it out, but my therapist persisted, and eventually the whole kit and caboodle came out. It was painful at the time, yet I did it. I've listened to the session on audio tape and I felt how hard it was for her to just get me to say the S word or The O word. At least I didn't feel the need to go to confession after word — progress on my part.

GTGT, would you mind sharing what your T did to "persist" to get you to open up? I'm wondering how the T can help the client to get past the block.

My t thinks im thinking too much about sex, its one the reasons why i cant talk about. He even asked do hugs turn me on and do i hope that it makes him want me. I feel like he thinks that all i want is sex but its not true and i never talked about sex to him. Okay just asked one time how he likes to do it. When he asked me what i enjoy the most in sex i cant replie.

Basically I'm missing in action from the waist down ... CSA does that to a person. We've (my therapist and I) just started working on it in therapy via The Courage To Heal Workbook. It's an excruciatingly painful topic for me and progress is going to be very slow going. I am starting to get very pissed that them SumBeaches (family of origin) stole this from me too though!

TheDamBastids!

As always, I think you are brave to be able to discuss these issues with a male T. The topic of sex, abuse or not, is an awkward one but I can't imagine the confusion that comes with not being able to relate to the same role in a sexual situation...If that makes sense? But I can also see how it may be therapeutic to discuss this with a male T because it creates safety around these issues to realize there is a man, right in front of you, who has not done anything wrong and will never do anything to harm you, and who will validate the pain of your experiences.
I know this is hard and I'm sorry you have had to experience all of that. I hope things go well with your T.

P.S. Would it help if he brought the topic up occasionally to make himself more involved and put less pressure on you having to say it every time? My T is pretty forward like this...In a non-trauma example she asks "when was the last time you two had sex" and she asks how it feels and all that annoying super awkward stuff. I find it helps she does that because I am not sure I'd bring up the full issue. It's good that she gets the conversation going and brings the topic up every now and then.

Thanks for this. For years, I lived in my head, and wasn't really aware of my body from the neck down. When I started to heal in therapy, I remember going for walks in the winter and purposefully concentrating on how my legs felt, and noticing my feet contacting the sidewalk, and actually realizing that I was cold and shivering, etc. Now I can enjoy getting outside in nice weather, and walking and feeling the warmth of the sun, and deliberately inhaling the air and listening to the birds. Probably why I like my garden so much.

I used to dissociate during sex, but was eventually able to be present. Unfortunately, my then-husband wasn't interested in my needs, even when I tried different ways to communicate with him. Oh well, his loss.

I don't know what will work and I don't know which is the more vital thing to bring up first.

I just wrote down some things from my history that have all contributed to my issues with sex, but I had to delete because I felt too exposed. Even here, with complete anonymity, I struggle to write about things.

The thought of my T randomly bring the subject in to therapy worries me. I am so worried that I will develop an attraction to him just by talking about the subject. I have a lot of confusion around the difference between feelings of physical attraction, love, affection for male friends, etc etc. I am ashamed about this, but most of the relationships I have had with men/boys has been clouded by sexual attraction first or only. I have not experienced a safe male non sexual relationship............ oh I don't think I am making much sense. Sorry.

Yes, you make sense to me. I also had not experienced safe male non-sexual relationships, until I was in my 30's, and had a T who was old enough to be my father, but definitely completely different from my father in his character. He was a safe, loving, skilled T. I learned from him that not all fathers, or men in general, were abusive or sexual predators. Since then, I've had two pastors who were warm, loving, and respectful of women. Also former T and the one before him were safe, loving, and respectful. Each of them helped me to add to the list of qualities I want in a romantic relationship, and I won't settle for less (even if I stay single for the rest of my life). I think each of them exhibited qualities that a healthy father should have, and that help a girl grow into a woman who expects to be treated with respect.

If your T is a good one, he will keep the boundaries safe for you, and will help you work through any feelings that come up. I found that I didn't (to my surprise) develop sexual feelings toward any of the men I mentioned, but I really think it was because none of them ever did anything that caused me to feel unsafe. Plus, they behaved respectfully towards other women, and towards their wives. I didn't see former T interact with his wife, but he spoke well of her. He also considered himself a feminist, and wrote a book chapter on Bias in Psychiatric Diagnosis which is cited in the book "Our Bodies, Our Selves". He shared an office with current T, and his female colleagues all spoke well of him.

I hope you can experience a healing relationship and environment with your T.

It's really difficult. i have to initiate the conversations in therapy, so if I want to talk about something I have to bring it up every time.

I feel like T is thinking 'who would sleep with you?' and other negative thoughts.

You make perfect sense. What you said may be a great start with your T...It's a good idea to let him know you would like to talk about this stuff and are hesitant to bring it up, but worried how you'll feel if he brings it up, based on your past experiences with males. I don't think he will be surprised or disturbed by this. It seems it would help him better understand where you are coming from and help you figure out the best way to work through it.
I find the topic of sex- trauma and non-trauma related- is the hardest thing to discuss and one of the last things to be addressed. There's often shame and stigma around those details and it's tough to get past that.

Boy, it seems like neither of us is alone AT ALL in this area....lol

I have to admit, still blush and call things by "nicknames" or whatever. When I found out that T was also a 's35 addiction therapist' I came unglued and got very Angry. Why? Here I was all afraid to use the words in front of him and he talked about this stuff all the time! Then I felt really at a disadvantage...
Additionally he works with a group of men who are "you know what" addicts..and this provoked me and made me afraid he would relate only to their perspective. He was able to somehow figure this out through my mumbled and incoherent blushing babbles and assured me that no he does NOT relate only that way and also has a group for wives of "them" and also for women who are addicted to love etc. and has 4 sisters...so he definitely cherishes and respects women.. (or his sisters will beat the tar out of him)

Still gives me creepies inside sometimes, but finally have had a few generalized talks about stuff, but usually for me about the bad parts of it. It is confusing and I 'Know' he is safe and understands, but since originally I made him "not male" in my mind to make him safe, it has been more difficult giving him back that role and then facing him again knowing he is male.

But at least I know he can deal with anything I might blurt out...and that is usually how some of those words come about in therapy for me...as hurtful words and he is able to soothe the shame or guilt or hurt and remind me that there are lots of men out there that do not hurt.

See, I told you it all comes out as blurbled mess of innuendo!! LOL...good lord.. We are all trying here!!

WB

Thank you all for the responses and ideas and views, like you Wysteria I am glad I am not alone with this stuff.

The more responses I get to this the more thankful I am, for it has helped me to look deeper inside and try to figure out what the heck my problem is here. (Sorry T I am trying not to beat myself up and self blame but I don't know how else to put that)

I have only known, in my core, that to be 'loved' or even liked by a boy/man.....in any sort of relationship.....means that it must include sex somehow. As if it is the only way I can get and keep them. I was forced so many times, that it seemed to be the only way, It was what was expected, seemed to be what I had to do to be accepted and cared for.. But of course it never worked that way, and then the shame and guilt and despair kicks in. I don't understand how being so violated in that way, that I can think that is the way to be shown care and love. It makes no sense to me, and I feel so desperately sad for that. (and disgusting)

I hate that my mind works that way, I just don't understand and need to change this.

I know logically that my T is safe, kind, caring and also respectful towards women. Women in his office speak highly of him. I just feel differently still on some level. I do worry that he will act differently towards me if I discuss these things with him. If I can bring myself to discuss these things.

I do know now though that these issues of mine are getting in the way of me moving forward with the trauma work because of my worries about T.

Sorry to keep going on with my stuff on this thread, it seems to help me work stuff out though.....kinda. Thanks again, especially if you read to the end of this looooooong chapter.

No need to apologize, Jane dear. That's what these threads are for.