[tinyrabbit]

A comment on another thread got me thinking. It was about how a T should be honoured to work on CSA with a client and should treat the work as sacred.

I really like that concept. But I've been wondering: how would a T actually do that in practice? What would they actually DO to treat the work as sacred, honour the client's pain, etc? I've realised I don't know - though my T may well be doing it - so wanted to throw this open to the floor!

Why just CSA?

I think a therapist understands the trust we have in them, and respond accordingly.

[Freewilled]

My T told me he considers the therapy room to be a sacred space - the work is sacred. I can't say whether I'm at the point where I trust he really feels that way, though. My trust in him wavers greatly. So I can't necessarily point to how he could treat it as sacred....I guess he is very attuned to me. He is respectful, for the most part, regarding what I choose to share with him and takes it seriously. But I'm a bit stumped because I believe there have been many times where he has pushed too hard or I gave him an inch and he immediately wanted a mile.

Maybe the being invested in the process - the caring about the work as a whole is what makes it sacred work to a T (?) Maybe when the T values the entire process rather than the details within it where he/she will most always make mistakes here and there, thats what matters most. If a T sees therapy as sacred work and respects it as such, then when he/she makes a blunder then it might make it easier to stop and go back to figure out what happened. Because he/she values figuring it out. Just some thoughts....

[CameraObscura]

Interesting.

I've thought a lot about my therapy as a sacred space. Not just my therapist's office itself, but the space made in the relationship. The two of us have a contract; he will maintain the professional boundaries, be consistent, be honest, take care of himself, listen in a complete way our friends cannot, keep his "stuff" out of the room, and both take care of me and teach me to do it myself. He tells me that within the boundaries we have discussed, I am free to say or do anything.

My part of the contract is that I will work, be honest, be as open as I am capable of being, respect his boundaries and mine, be as consistent as I can, call him if I feel a crisis coming on, and honor our financial agreement.

Those are pretty serious promises on both sides, and that combined with the special safety of his office feels like sacred space to me. I think if I were to ask him if he considered the work sacred, he'd say yes.

[Wysteria]

Hi Tiny Rabbit,

I definitely think the work and space is sacred... It is an honour to tell someone safe what isn't spoken elsewhere.
It is safe and protected and is a place of no harm, for me like someone claiming refuge in a church. It is private and confidential like a confessional. The T becomes the protector and the cherisher.
I trust him with my secrets and my safety and my heart/soul.?
He has said those very words..he is honoured that I would share myself and my emotions and memories with him. He is like a wise elder who can lead me and teach me and mentor me.
He is a healer which is often considered to be sacred in many cultures/tribes/religions/societies.. Because that place is sacred in my heart and I know I won't be shamed or judged or blamed.
I know he has my best interest at heart which I find no where else. Because there are firm boundaries and ethics involved in our relationship to keep it thus. But yet, I know he cherishes me and holds my trust and hurt with gentle hands. He feels my hurt and takes on some of that burden for me so I can have a respite and begin to heal.

I know I'm not saying anything very well today..just trying to give out some pictures in my mind or thoughts or images of why I personally think it is sacred, to be cherished and why I deserve to be honoured for sharing my essence with this person...
Hope it helps a little. I know I am scattered, sorry.

Wysteria Blue

[brillskep]

I missed that comment so thanks for posting it here.

My take on it is that it's about the therapist having the sensitivity and empathy to understand that this is extremely painful and intimate and difficult for the client. It's about conveying that empathy to the client and giving them the space to bring those difficult issues as well as the understanding and acceptance for the client's own pace, even if many sessions, months or even years pass that CSA is not being discussed. And at the same time being very available to it being discussed when the client is ready. It's a fine line, I think. I also think it's about being patient and building a trusting relationship so that these things can be worked through in a safe way and, once the relationship is strong enough, valuing it and respecting that trust that the therapist is given, not just taking it for granted because of the therapist role.

I personally have not had any CSA experiences, but I think one thing my therapist has done with me a few times applies here too. He has told me on occasion that he feels privileged to have my trust and that I find our therapeutic relationship as significant in my life. I think that's one way of valuing the work as sacred.

There are more ways, of course. Just being ethical. Therapist really hearing the client rather than defining and diagnosing. I think a therapist's continual learning about therapy practices and, in this case, about CSA, as well as always paying attention to and being curious about the client (even after years of working together) - I believe all that is one of the highest forms of respecting the work and honoring the client's experience and trust.

[Perna]

To me, "sacred" means relating to religion, God, holiness, etc. and I don't feel therapy was any more/less important or sacred than other aspects of my life, was part of life itself at that time.

[anilam]

Idk, maybe it's semantic shift but sacred would be pushing it form me...
Important, significant even and that's about it.
And how does he do it? He's on time, remembers things, is consistent, safe and keeps the stuff that's happened/he's learnt to himself only.

[stopdog]

I do not consider therapy sacred. It would totally creep me out to have the therapist use the word in relation to therapy.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for all your replies. I didn't just mean CSA - it was just a reference to working with CSA that first made me wonder about this.

Wysteria - I like the idea of therapy as somewhere safe and protected, a place of no harm in which to claim refuge (sorry not to quote, it gets fiddly on my phone). What you said wasn't scattered! It made perfect sense!

Thank you all for your replies! They've really helped me think about this.

My T says it is a privilege to be with me intimately in my struggles. I think that's the same kind of thing.

[sweepy62]

My t told me that its a privilege and an honor for her, that I allow her, to listen an be part of my most intimate space, not everyone gets that privilege. She is right, no one has, except in therapy.

[unaluna]

To me it would mean sincere and not cynical. That was a "thing" when i was growing up. I was always being fooled. Now i accept that my unconscious may be fooled in the service of defeating the bad introject - that i can agree to and do not see it as insincere.

[freefallin]

If a therapist referred to therapy as sacred, I would run away. To me, sacred implies ties to religion, and I can't effing stand when therapists incorporate religion/spirituality into their practices. If I wanted to talk with a priest or a pastor, I know where to find one, and they wouldn't charge me $100 an hour for their time.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

A comment on another thread got me thinking. It was about how a T should be honoured to work on CSA with a client and should treat the work as sacred.

I really like that concept. But I've been wondering: how would a T actually do that in practice? What would they actually DO to treat the work as sacred, honour the client's pain, etc? I've realised I don't know - though my T may well be doing it - so wanted to throw this open to the floor!

When a therapist treats a client's pain - regardless of the source - as sacred... you just know it. You can tell in all those nonverbal ways that they feel privileged to hold your pain with you. Some of the ways it looks is... they never minimize or are dismissive. They never push for disclosure, but they do all they can to create an absolutely safe environment. When you are able to speak about the pain, you can just feel that what is going on with you is the ONLY thing going on with them. They are just totally *there*. They treat the whole process with an attitude of reverence.

That's been my experience anyway. My therapist treated my pain as if it was a precious gift. I guess it wasn't the pain itself that was a precious gift, but it was that I trusted her with it.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by freefallin

If a therapist referred to therapy as sacred, I would run away. To me, sacred implies ties to religion, and I can't effing stand when therapists incorporate religion/spirituality into their practices. If I wanted to talk with a priest or a pastor, I know where to find one, and they wouldn't charge me $100 an hour for their time.

sacred does not necessarily refer to religion

[freefallin]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

sacred does not necessarily refer to religion

I know, but it's too religiously charged for my personal liking. Most dictionary definitions involve some reference to God, deities, or religion, so I don't think I'm unjustified in feeling that way, but to each their own.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by freefallin

I know, but it's too religiously charged for my personal liking. Most dictionary definitions involve some reference to God, deities, or religion, so I don't think I'm unjustified in feeling that way, but to each their own.

Maybe 'sacred' is better understood in a context of spirituality in general. Not religion. And we're talking about the vulnerable, wounded human spirit being treated as sacred.. treated with reverence. I think those words are perfect.. because it means much more than just respect. When a therapist treats a client's pain with reverence, it means that they are quietly standing in the pain with you... with no judgment... only lovingkindness. You can't bare to look at your pain.. but when your therapist holds it in their hand and treats it as a sacred thing... somehow it makes it possible for you to look at it... and the healing begins.

[freefallin]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

Maybe 'sacred' is better understood in a context of spirituality in general. Not religion. And we're talking about the vulnerable, wounded human spirit being treated as sacred.. treated with reverence. I think those words are perfect.. because it means much more than just respect. When a therapist treats a client's pain with reverence, it means that they are quietly standing in the pain with you... with no judgment... only lovingkindness. You can't bare to look at your pain.. but when your therapist holds it in their hand and treats it as a sacred thing... somehow it makes it possible for you to look at it... and the healing begins.

This is probably why therapy doesn't work for me. I'm not a very spiritual person, and to me, everything you just wrote sounds like psycho babble. I am not trying to be insulting because, as long as an explanation and treatment approach works for someone, I think that's great. However, to me, language like that just doesn't make a ton of sense.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by freefallin

This is probably why therapy doesn't work for me. I'm not a very spiritual person, and to me, everything you just wrote sounds like psycho babble. I am not trying to be insulting because, as long as an explanation and treatment approach works for someone, I think that's great. However, to me, language like that just doesn't make a ton of sense.

That sort of language does not work for me either.

[BonnieJean]

My t has a couple of times referred to it as sacred. We've no religion or spirituallity in my therapy. I thought she meant held apart from normal space because what we are doing is worthy of respect.

[Favorite Jeans]

After our son was born my partner and I thanked the midwife so many times. She wasn't our regular midwife (who was sick) but had stepped in at the last minute and just been kind and patient and loving and encouraging through what felt like a long and arduous labor and delivery. Each of the many times we thanked her, she replied that it was an honour and a privilege to have attended the birth. Normally I'd have found that kind of language affected or pretentious but she was so sincere and I was also so moved by the experience of watching him be born that I could get behind the idea that it was an honour.

Your T is kind of a midwife in a (admittedly cheesy) way. And it must often feel like the connections that they create with their clients involve more than a professional transaction but rather something deeper, more nuanced and less definable. Whaddya think?

[Wysteria]

I have used this word sacred before, but I meant
Sacred: Not to be profaned or violated; inviolable (Webster’s Dict.)

I understand how many would NOT want it to be of the more often used definitions of being of a religious nature or pertaining to God, etc.

So let’s say we used the word, “spiritual” or “venerated” instead with definitions/connotations like:
- To regard somebody with profound respect or reverence,
- Relating to the soul or spirit, usually in contrast to material things,
- Connected by an affinity of the mind, spirit or temperament,
- Showing great refinement and concern with the higher things in life,
- Related to the spirit instead of the physical world.
- Revered, non-physical, transcendent, intact, immune, valued, dependence, precious, esteemed, reliable, confidential, hope, reliance, confidence, expectation, trusted.
(Webster’s and Thesaurus)

It has to do with ethics, morals, worth, self-esteem, spirit, connection, communication, care/love, interconnectivity of all of us, higher thinking, self-actualization (Maslow), being the best of what we can be, how to judge what is right for us, what things are held of value, societal norms, not having to do with the corporeal or body (thus again why sexual relations between T and client not acceptable), universal truths, relationships with those around us, tolerance, patience, self-absorption, forgiveness, neglect, abuse, cherishment, adoration, power, trust, respect, etc.

I don’t see how we can heal from emotional wounds and hurts, warped thought processes, values or relational/trust abuse without discussing these types of things which all have a spiritual nature.

So to protect the secrets and essence of ourselves that we share with T’s, how can it not have a “sacred” nature in that it is has to have firm boundaries protecting it and keeping it inviolate, and at its very root spirituality which is connection?

I guess what is important to me is that the space is inviolable and protected. And that there is great respect and that T’s do not judge or shame us, but help us heal which does have a spiritual nature as it has to do with feelings, heart, emotions, soul, and thinking, mind and the interconnectivity of these.

This is not psychobabble or just some "words"...they have meaning and import. They have been used for millennia as we all look for meaning, healing and connection in our lives.

WB

[freefallin]

It's not that I WANT to read language like that and think, "What psycho babble." It just literally makes no sense to me. I can't process language like that. I just think very scientifically, I guess. If someone says they're going to work with me on my cognitive processes or that they seek to change behavior through a system of positive reinforcement, that makes sense to me. If someone says they're going to hold and nurture my spiritual wounds in the palms of their hands, I think, "What? How? That's not something a person can do."

[Favorite Jeans]

The other thing I was thinking when I originally read TR's question was more specifically about CSA. I was thinking that CSA takes something sacred from a child. There is a kind of confidence, ease and safety within the bodies of little kids. They move about unselfconsciously and usually quite happily. The fear and shame and pain of CSA can really kill that. So I could sort of imagine that the project of restoring trust, safety, confidence and pride can be sacred work.

[PeeJay]

It was my original comment, I think, on a different thread that Tinyrabbit is referencing.

I said to someone else, who was thinking about opening up about CSA to a therapist:

"You don't have to open up your heart or your secrets to someone who hasn't earned the right to bear witness to your story. It's a privilege to work with you on the CSA and I hope this T realizes that and treats the work as sacred.

You deserve nothing less, no matter what you've done in the past. It's true of all of us."

What I meant by that was a lot of what people have already said!

The T needs to realize that this isn't just a JOB. You can't just flake out or treat it like the work doesn't matter. This is people's lives that therapists are daring to enter into, and bear witness to, and listen to. And people's stories are special and unique and people take a chance by opening up to a stranger.

I was hurt badly by a therapist who really didn't care. I didn't need the T to care about me in a special way, but I at least needed the T to take the job seriously. And this T let me down and it felt worse than when friends let me down.

My new T says it's an honor and a privilege to hear people's stories. That's the right attitude, I think.

Each of us get one life on this planet (according to my belief system, lol!), and once we are adults, we get to choose whom we let enter into that life and bear witness to parts of our life and our own story.

One of the definitions of sacred is "sacrosanct," which does not have a religious context. Sacrosanct means, "regarded as too important or valuable to be interfered with."

In other words, your stories are valuable and precious because they are the stories of your life. And particularly stories about times when a person was a child or when a person was vulnerable or when a person was hurt by the people around him or her -- these stories are precious.

(Precious - adj. -- not to be wasted or treated carelessly.)

My T shows up on time and works hard for me and listens and doesn't let her own life get in the way. And she's done this consistently for a year. That's how I think she's earned the right to hear the harder stories I have to (need to?) tell.