[JaneC]

Oh dear goodness. So today my T asked me what was so hard to talk about that was specifically 'gender specific', as in that I felt may be easier to talk about with a female T.

This has been an excuse perhaps of mine to not face the historic stuff yet, that I don't feel comfortable talking to him because he is a man. So today I finally said the word.....sex, and also intimate relationships with men. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, or to disappear.

I feel stupid, because it is not like I can't talk about sex, I have in the past of course.......I just feel so much shame and worry about talking to him about it. I know he will want to begin the conversation again, but I avoided it swiftly today.

It is such an intimate thing to discus(I need to though) and I think I worry that he will judge me, also that he may think I am talking about stuff for other reasons.....and I worry that by discussing such intimate things with him I may get confused somehow about our relationship.(I am soo embarrassed to even admit that because right now I am very clear and happy with the therapeutic relationship as it is now)

If you have made it through this novel of a post, thanks, ........How do or have you done this with your T? Or do you even? Has it confused or complicated things?

[sweepy62]

OMG I avoid that with a ten foot pole, but we are getting into that now, she has introduced that word into our sessions as we are talking a bit more and more csa and nearing exposure therapy , not to close but we are inching our way there, geezzzzzzzzzz, I dont have a hard time going near those words, she knows this, but she is working on these words with me, everytime she says this I want to hide in a corner, and this is one of the many, that she started with, there are many more to come.
I dont know how you do it with a male t, bless your heart, but you can do it Jane.

[JaneC]

Oh sweepy.....he asked me this too...... "Have you only ever talked about sex to other women? Never to men?" OH MY GAAAWWWD!!!

I can not even begin to express how I felt...... This is soooo gonna be the end of me!

[ThisWayOut]

I had a difficult time talking about it with any t, male or female. Only recently was a able to whisper some things to my current t, and even then I wanted to hide in shame. I can't seem to look at her when we talk about it. She also has large pillows on her couch that I manage to hide behind when we talk about it. That seems to help. None of my t's seemed phased by the possibility of the conversations though. I think they are pretty good at reading the intentions behind talking about it. It has also not changed the dynamic of t for me yet with any of the female t's with whom I broached the topic (I'm a lesbian, so it wouldn't ever change the dynamic with the male t in that direction, but I could see the potential for a change with a female t).
I think a good t is comfortable in talking about a variety of topics that we find shameful. It's mostly about getting through our own shame, and that can be excruciating sometimes. I think if you trust your t, and are talking about things you need to address, it can be very freeing to finally talk about some of it. And I think it was very brave to even bring it up with him if it's so shameful to you. Great work

It's really hard. My experience is that it's sometimes easier and sometimes more difficult, and it helps not to look at the T (I did therapy lying down for almost a year and it got much easier to talk when I couldn't see T.) I was told (by people on this forum) that it would get easier and easier; hearing that almost crushed me completely because my experience was that it could be easier one week and more difficult the next time. Please remember that if it does feel more difficult for a while it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong, just that some parts of the topic might be harder to talk about than others.

Whether it is easier with a T of the same or the opposite gender is different for different people. I can't talk about sex to a woman, ever - I never have, and I quit therapy very abruptly with a female T a number of years ago, when I sensed that she was about to ask me about my sex life. With a male T it is possible, at least, even though it's hard.

It will not be the end of you. Your T will help you through it. And it is not embarrassing or uncomfortable for him - I think that's important to remember.

[Ford Puma]

Just in case anyone is wondering guys don't really like the S word either when it come to talking with T.
I dodge it quiet well I think although been single means I don't have much to talk about anyway.

[unaluna]

My t did his own version of a comment-out-the-door just before he left for vacation on this subject. I'm trying not to panic!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Sigh - just started talking about this with my T...and it's not any easier with a female T! Of course, I've never talked about sex with anyone. It wasn't an acceptable subject in my home, growing up, and as such, it became a taboo subject for me. T said the word "sex" and I instantly started to dissociate.

I also feel really weird talking to T about this, because it's not something I ever imagined talking to a therapist about. I went to T because I desperately needed help dealing with my extreme anxiety. Now that I have the symptoms under better control, I asked if we could start looking at the sources of my anxiety. One of those sources is being touched. In starting that conversation, it naturally lead to intimate touch and sex and I kinda felt like I needed to bring it up. It was so hard to even start to talk about! My sessions are now about half talk and half me dissociating and T helping me get grounded again. It totally sucks. I'm hoping it will get easier as we continue to talk about it.

[Mike_J]

Yea not an easy topic to talk about, when I have talked to my therapist about sex it's always uncomfortable for me. Doen't help that my therapist is extremely attractive (at least to me).

[melania]

I can't and I hate it. Just can't get these words out of my mouth, I feel like I just mustn't talk about it.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Mike_J

Yea not an easy topic to talk about, when I have talked to my therapist about sex it's always uncomfortable for me. Doen't help that my therapist is extremely attractive (at least to me).

Yeah that can always be a factor

[OneWorld]

I still haven't been able to do it. I hate it that it is so hard for me - and I don't really understand why it is so hard. Why can I *have* sex but not *talk about* sex. So then it makes it even worse because I feel stupid for not being able to talk about it.

Sorry, that probably wasn't a helpful post for you ... But you're not alone.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MotownJohnny]

Well, I have to say, because my therapist is a woman, I definitely am embarrassed when the topic of sex comes up in any way relating to me personally.

I would not have the same problem talking to another man about it - I don't know if that makes me a chauvinist or a pig, but it's just how I feel.

I can see how it could be especially difficult for someone who was abused or raped or otherwise traumatized sexually.

[rainbow8]

I'm a woman and I see a female T but talking about sex is incredibly difficult for me. My T is totally comfortable with it though. I hadn't talked about it for a while but I did at my session this week. I was blushing and stumbling over my words. I have a lot of shame about sex. It's difficult to talk about but if it's important you can do it!

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Oh sweepy.....he asked me this too...... "Have you only ever talked about sex to other women? Never to men?" OH MY GAAAWWWD!!!

I can not even begin to express how I felt...... This is soooo gonna be the end of me!

i never talked about the subject period lol lol, she brought it up, and has not let it rest. Next session, im gonna tell her to chill the heck out, because then i wont see her the following week because of the holiday, she says the s word, like saying (candy)

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

It wasn't an acceptable subject in my home, growing up, and as such, it became a taboo subject for me.

Oh I understand this! It was definitely a taboo subject in my home growing up, and so yeah it probably became internalised in me as something 'bad' and to talk about it was 'disgusting'. For many other reasons also.

As rainbow says though.....my T seems very comfortable with discussing it though it will not be something I will be able to avoid for long. And anyway, I need to so I can work through what has happened.

I told T in regards of talking about the trauma, that maybe I just need to go for it and to jump in with both feet. He said, no and he wasn't going to jump with me!! Something about needing skills, grounding techniques and safe space blah blah blah. T taking care of me huh weird!

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

she says the s word, like saying (candy)

This made me LOL into my morning coffee. Blimmin T's!

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by JaneC

This made me LOL into my morning coffee. Blimmin T's!

Lmao im not kidding, she said it at least 10 times, she had me pacing the room, she said she will keep introducing them, she was happy as a pig in s h I t lol, you could see confetti and baloons above her head, it was a psychological party for one.

[iheartjacques]

I was really awkward and uncomfortable but because my current t is the first male t I've had, after a while it wasn't any different to talking to my GP about it. And he gave me a really good perspective on it.

[iheartjacques]

He said I could sexually dominate my husband in bed. I had visions of whips and chains and giggled.

[iheartjacques]

But for the next three days I fantasised about sexually dominating my T!

[rothfan6]

Fortunately I don't have a sex life so that doesn't come up with T. We did have one weird conversation about how my parents keep pestering me for grandkids and T knows I've never had a relationship so he said "so what they just expect you to go out and have a one night stand just to get pregnant?”. He was just kidding but it caught me off guard. Talking about csa is hard regardless though.

Listening to Loveline helped me a lot. It help me to hear other people talking openly and straightforward about sex. After awhile its like hearing any normal topic of conversation like the weather, less scary and not threatening.

Originally Posted by JaneC

I told T in regards of talking about the trauma, that maybe I just need to go for it and to jump in with both feet. He said, no and he wasn't going to jump with me!! Something about needing skills, grounding techniques and safe space blah blah blah.

Your T is taking good care of you Just jumping in would be really overwhelming. Its not a straightforward process at all. I was impatient and didn’t feel like I was making progress and just circling around my csa. My T said it would be nice if it was straight forward but its more like complicated, twisted, and emotionally tangled. So far he’s been right.

[Favorite Jeans]

I really don't generally have much trouble talking about sex. But with my T I find myself getting embarrassed and mumbling and not wanting to meet her eye. Or being incredibly vague or detached about what I'm saying.

I realized that although in reality she's really not a lot like my mom, I identify her as a maternal figure and assume that she holds all the same judgments, opinions and general awkwardness that my mom had about sex. I sometimes feel like I'm talking to my my mom when I talk to her. I expect her to disapprove. I find it hard even to talk about body stuff (like periods or breastfeeding for eg) which I can talk about easily with just about anyone.

Jane, do you identify your T with a parental figure or someone else that might make you uncomfortable? What did you learn about sex from your family of origin? Did you have a male parental figure and if so how did adolescence/puberty change your relationship?

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Lmao im not kidding, she said it at least 10 times, she had me pacing the room, she said she will keep introducing them, she was happy as a pig in s h I t lol, you could see confetti and baloons above her head, it was a psychological party for one.

Honestly sweepy I feel your pain and send you hugs. But seriously you are brightening my day with laughter over here in NZ. Thanks

Good lord I do hope my T does not do this.....

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Honestly sweepy I feel your pain and send you hugs. But seriously you are brightening my day with laughter over here in NZ. Thanks

Good lord I do hope my T does not do this.....

its ok lol, its a bit funny if you think about it, in a kinda weird way, I was happy the session went her way lol.