[guilloche]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new, and could use some advice... when you're looking for a therapist, how well do you think you can judge them by the initial telephone call? What do you look for in that first call?

I did a ton of "attempted therapy" about 10-15 years ago. None of it was helpful (at the time, it seemed to actually make me worse).

My life has become much more stable and sane since quitting therapy (!), but... things aren't great. I'm not happy with my career, job, social life, etc. Pretty much feeling like I'm stuck on a treadmill of "ok", without anything really to look forward to, and some changes in work are causing me massive stress and panic. Oh, and my family is crazy-dysfunctional.

So, I found a local therapist who seemed confident and like he's been doing this awhile (from his website). I get in touch... he's great with answering email quickly and can get me in pretty fast. But, on the very short call... my heart just sank a bit.

I don't know if this is going to sound nuts, but I didn't feel like we really connected at all on the phone. He seemed to talk really slowly, which gave the impression that maybe he wasn't that smart or that invested in his job (?). Maybe like the tone of voice you use when you're really BORED! It was just... SO slow and without any kind of inflection or energy.

I was surprised (he's pretty affable on his website!). I also (admittedly) didn't have any good questions prepared. But the minute or so (it was really brief) of conversation felt very flat and depressing to me.

Hmmm.

So, I don't know. Am I being crazy here? Has anyone had a fantastic experience with a therapist that didn't seem great in the initial call or meeting, but turned out to be a therapy rock star?

My gut was telling me to not set up an initial consult, based on the very brief call... but at the time I couldn't think of a good reason. I didn't really want to say, "gee, you don't sound nearly as smart as you do in print!"

But, now I'm worrying. He's expensive. I didn't tell him that I was previously diagnosed as DD-NOS (ha!) b/c that doesn't seem to be as much of an issue these days, and I'd prefer to just put that in the past . I don't know, all my previous therapy was soooooo bad... and I had such high hopes that this guy would be a sane, good, helpful therapist, and really just hearing his voice made my stomach sort of hit the floor with a thud.

I think I should go anyway. I think I should TRY. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and see firsthand if maybe he's just not great with initial calls. But I don't know... I've also been trying to be better at "listening to my intuition" and my intuition is saying, "eh - waste of money."

Sorry for writing so LONG (I tried to shorten it up a bit!) Any advice? I'd hugely appreciate anything... there's not really anybody around in real life I can discuss this with right now...

Thanks!

[stopdog]

I have screened some out from the initial phone call. I do think you can get a sense from it.

[Leah123]

I'd call half a dozen and choose two or three of the best to try.

[Freewilled]

I don't know if I'm right or wrong with this so take it for what you will....but I would pass. Because I think your gut feeling should be honored. Now, if you talk to 10 more Ts and they all give you a bad feeling, then that's food for thought. But otherwise, your intuition is important. I'd listen to it.

[growlycat]

I tend to trust my gut instincts and visceral reactions to people and situations. If I felt negative vibes from just a call, I'd move on.

[RTerroni]

I told the initial person who called me on the phone at the practice that I currently go to that she was probably too old to be my Therapist but yet they tried to pair me up with her when my last Therapist left the practice, I have since been assigned to someone else.

[msxyz]

I think first impressions matter and when I started looking for a therapist I weeded them out by their email responses.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Hi Everyone,

I'm new, and could use some advice... when you're looking for a therapist, how well do you think you can judge them by the initial telephone call? What do you look for in that first call?

I did a ton of "attempted therapy" about 10-15 years ago. None of it was helpful (at the time, it seemed to actually make me worse).

My life has become much more stable and sane since quitting therapy (!), but... things aren't great. I'm not happy with my career, job, social life, etc. Pretty much feeling like I'm stuck on a treadmill of "ok", without anything really to look forward to, and some changes in work are causing me massive stress and panic. Oh, and my family is crazy-dysfunctional.

So, I found a local therapist who seemed confident and like he's been doing this awhile (from his website). I get in touch... he's great with answering email quickly and can get me in pretty fast. But, on the very short call... my heart just sank a bit.

I don't know if this is going to sound nuts, but I didn't feel like we really connected at all on the phone. He seemed to talk really slowly, which gave the impression that maybe he wasn't that smart or that invested in his job (?). Maybe like the tone of voice you use when you're really BORED! It was just... SO slow and without any kind of inflection or energy.

I was surprised (he's pretty affable on his website!). I also (admittedly) didn't have any good questions prepared. But the minute or so (it was really brief) of conversation felt very flat and depressing to me.

Hmmm.

So, I don't know. Am I being crazy here? Has anyone had a fantastic experience with a therapist that didn't seem great in the initial call or meeting, but turned out to be a therapy rock star?

My gut was telling me to not set up an initial consult, based on the very brief call... but at the time I couldn't think of a good reason. I didn't really want to say, "gee, you don't sound nearly as smart as you do in print!"

But, now I'm worrying. He's expensive. I didn't tell him that I was previously diagnosed as DD-NOS (ha!) b/c that doesn't seem to be as much of an issue these days, and I'd prefer to just put that in the past . I don't know, all my previous therapy was soooooo bad... and I had such high hopes that this guy would be a sane, good, helpful therapist, and really just hearing his voice made my stomach sort of hit the floor with a thud.

I think I should go anyway. I think I should TRY. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and see firsthand if maybe he's just not great with initial calls. But I don't know... I've also been trying to be better at "listening to my intuition" and my intuition is saying, "eh - waste of money."

Sorry for writing so LONG (I tried to shorten it up a bit!) Any advice? I'd hugely appreciate anything... there's not really anybody around in real life I can discuss this with right now...

Thanks!

I absolutely screened based on phone call. BUT if his site looks great maybe the call was just a fluke. try to see if he will speak to you on the phone for at least ten minutes, or else 15 minutes (free) in person, before you make your decision. he could be great, or he could be a flop. One minute isnt enough to give it a fair shake. I do at least ten minutes on the phone before meeting for the first time.

good luck!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I don't know if this is going to sound nuts, but I didn't feel like we really connected at all on the phone. He seemed to talk really slowly, which gave the impression that maybe he wasn't that smart or that invested in his job (?). Maybe like the tone of voice you use when you're really BORED! It was just... SO slow and without any kind of inflection or energy.

Does not sound nuts at all. I worked for my husband many years before we married and remember the phone call and then the interview. Turns out he thought things through before speaking! :-) I was always anxious so would answer questions almost before the person asking had finished asking, LOL, but it was really helpful, in the interview, I could see he was thinking and that gave me the courage to take more time myself to think before answering -- I reasoned that if he gave himself time to think it would be okay if I took some time to think. That gave me time to calm myself some so I could actually think of an answer instead of spouting the first thing out of my mouth.

I don't think a phone would be enough for me to totally decide if I wanted to work with someone or not. Their looks and how they handled themselves in person, etc. would matter to me too. I'd go interview him, see if he's a thinker or bored

[MoxieDoxie]

He might just be using a technique. Maybe from his experience people calling for therapy usually have a hard time processing information fast so he talks slow as to give them time or not to alarm. You can go to an initial session and see.

[ThisWayOut]

I try to tend to follow my gut, but as pointed out, a one minute conversAtion wouldn't be much of an intro. I did find though, that t's I preferred to work with tended to take time in that first call, even if I didn't have myself together enough to ask questions. Even if I read their website, they took the time to go over highlights and ask me questions. While not everyone is great in the phone (I suck horribly at it), initial phone contact can be telling. Of course, he may have also had an off day or moment.

[guilloche]

Thanks... I appreciate all the feedback! I'm still thinking about it... I think that if I wasn't in a place of utter panic and freaking out about an issue at work, it would be easier for me to cancel the appointment. But, given that I haven't really yet been able to find ANY T that works well with me... and everytime this work issue pops up, I feel utter panic, I think maybe going to the first appointment to at least assess how he is in person would be a good thing... I guess it's better to go, and know for sure he's not a good match (or is), then not go, and always wonder if he just had a bad day on the phone!

I'll think some more on it... but now I'm leaning towards going. (Work is really terrible!)

Thanks!!!!

[PeeJay]

My T didn't present very well on the first phone call. Or, put another way, she sounded like she was trying to be a therapist and made these mmhmm'ing noises that felt like fake concern. She also spoke slowly.

Looking back, I have no idea whether what I perceived was accurate, because my T ended up being mostly great and if anything, she's not a warm sappy T but much ... crisper. So, maybe that first phone call was filtered through my own negative perceptions and fears.

I'd already screened this T online and had a good referral, and so I took the first meeting even though the first phone call didn't leave me with a hugely positive impression.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I honestly don't remember much about my first phone call with my T, except that I was extremely anxious, and that I knew that if I didn't make an appointment with her while I was still on the phone, I never would. I don't think I got a strong impression of her one way or the other on the phone. She did speak more slowly and clearly than I think is usual in a conversation, but it might have been an attempt at calming down my own frantic babbling. I know that I'm very grateful I did make and keep that appointment, because she has turned out to be an excellent fit for me.

Sometimes, people don't present well over the phone, so I tend to give the benefit of the doubt with an initial phone call. I prefer to go with my impressions upon first meeting someone in person. If I still feel like it's not someone I want to work with after meeting in person, then I'll go with that feeling.

[tinyrabbit]

Another vote for meeting and seeing if the gut feeling persists in person. If so, I would honour it.

[unlockingsanity]

I just wanted to share that when I changed therapists, the one I was testing out talked really slow and was slow to respond to my questions. I wondered if he was a little slow on the uptake or maybe too old, but honestly, I found out that he was trying to make sure he was listening to me and genuinely considering what he thought before he said it.

I would have never have known if I hadn't stuck it out with him. He is the best therapist I've had, so I would like to encourage you to give him a chance.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I didn't screen my T via phone (I have a fear of talking on the phone). I got 3 referrals: 2 looked angry. My T looked way to young. But I looked at her website and it looked real nice. I emailed her on her site informing her everything she was in for. We made an appointment and the rest is history. (And the age issue...I found out it was a few years old. She's still young imo, but she's awesome).

I agree with the others: trust your gut feelings.

I agree with the trust your gut answers. I felt an immediate "click" with my current T on the very first phone call, that I never had with the previous 2 t's I saw even after meeting them in person. funny how that can work sometimes. Been seeing/talking with current T for going on 3 years now and wouldn't trade our t relationship for anything.

[musinglizzy]

I never heard my T's voice before I started seeing her. I googled therapists in the area, I wanted a woman, and someone that was convenient to drive to. Once I found one that seemed convenient....I Emailed from the website. We communicated back and forth via Email, until I was able to set up an appointment. I didn't hear her voice or see her face (except a photo on the website) until my first appointment. She offered a phone consult...but I was ok with how we were communicating. I can't speak for my T, but I feel like we hit it off right away. I musta got lucky. My intuition must have been right. I just clicked with her immediately.

[guilloche]

Thanks... I appreciate all the stories and advice. My appointment is Wednesday, and at this point I'm going to go and give it a shot. I think it's a bit hard for me, because I've seen alot of therapists, and never really clicked with any of them (and had some rotten experiences!). So, my intuition may be a tiny bit skewed by that!

I hate the thought of wasting money if it turns out bad, but I'm telling myself that it's not a waste of money, even if it doesn't work out, because this is how I'll know if he can help, or if I need to keep looking.

I'll come back and let you guys know how it goes! Thank you all so much, I really do appreciate being able to talk about this stuff and get some feedback!!!

I can tell a lot by an initial call if this person should get an appointment. I usually tell a little about the situation, answer there questions, then ask my questions. Also, if they rush me off the phone that is a NO GO.

[guilloche]

I just wanted to thank everyone again... and let you all know that I made it and survived this afternoon (despite feeling awfully stressed and sick before going).

I am not sure what to do now. I didn't sign up for another session right away, figured I should think about it. I don't know what to do... I'm sort of still trying to process it.

So, here's part of it. I looked FINE in the session. I was chatty and articulate and pretty darn wonderful apparently. More importantly, I very purposefully didn't mention the previous DD-NOS diagnosis, how bad some of the past issues were and... there was a point where I was explaining something today that is causing me stress, and he asked if there was a history of (specific trauma that I'm not going to say). And I very happily shook my head no, said something like, "nope" and continued with whatever story I was in the middle of... just babbling happily along.

So, obviously THAT was a lie. How terrible is that? It's trauma that I have not really discussed with any therapist and am in no way prepared to even begin thinking about at a first session with a stranger. I think him knowing would make some of my other stuff make alot more sense, because he walked away telling me something like, "this stuff that has you panic-ing is REALLY not NEARLY as big of a deal as you think it is" - but for me - it IS a HUGE HUGE HUGE deal.

Other than that... overall... I don't even know how to judge. He seemed shocked that I had a previous therapist cry and wanted to know who it was. Other than that, I didn't get into my full crazy therapy history.

I guess what I like is that... he does seem "solid" (he even said something like, "huh - I might cry if you tell me something sad, but I won't cry if you don't open up (like previous therapist) - and I also will not let you come in here and talk about tv every week (like previous therapist)". The solidness was a sense that he wouldn't get pulled into my stuff... like a different T who ALSO took it personally and thought I didn't like him.

I also think the directness might be good for me, but I'm not sure, it's scary too. But I think it might be helpful, b/c I've noticed in the past that if a T is giving off "wary" type vibes (like "I'm being very careful to say the right thing") that it makes ME more wary and closed off... kind of like when someone whispers, so you whisper back.

But, I'm also just not sure. I'm not sure how he (or anyone) can help. I'm not sure that I really need help - maybe I'm just dandy now! I think I'm also nervous given my previous therapy history... old T sent me to someone who know about dissociation for diagnosis, and kicked me out when I got diagnosed (he didn't know how to deal with it). Left me without anyone at a scary time. Later T told me that she heard from diagnosing-T that my case actually convinved old T that dissociation is real. What the heck?

I don't know. I don't know what the real me even IS, let alone how to show that in therapy. I don't know if this person can help. I don't know if I should go back. Even if I go back, I just don't know how to actually get in to anything important... or real... all I know is how to look "ok". That's what I learned from my crazy family, and what I've had to do my whole life... is pass for "ok". So frustrating and scary. I'd like to think this guy can help, but I don't know what he'd be different from the last 10 therapists, you know?

*thanks* I've been reading alot here, and trying to respond where I can... still a little shy since I don't know everyone, but you all ROCK! I very much appreciate this place! Thanks!

Edit to Add: Also, it it weird that he requires 72 hours notice for cancellation of appointments (that doesn't include weekends in the 72 hours)? Seems like quite a bit longer than normal?