T was discussing how normal depression was etc and suddenly i asked her "have you ever had depression" without really thinking. She evaded the question and talked about types of depression. Then i said "but have you ever had it?"
She said "I can't see how that would help you to know" and evaded it all over again.
I guess i looked pretty pissed off for the last couple minutes and then we had to finish and she smiled, said goodbye, see you monday as usual, and i left. But I left feeling really awful about it, and now ive feel like ive blown it. I think she thinks im creepy now and i feel like i want to cry

Is this a problem? Could someone reassure me/offer advice please?

[HazelGirl]

No, that's a very normal question. I would probably ask it. But it's also normal to not want to answer it, and that's within her right.

Thank you HazelGirlbut i feel absolutely terrible now, the last T i saw told me about her depression so i thought it was normal to talk about that... Now i feel all rejected and horrible and shameful. I dont see why she couldnt have answered it, for gods sake i see her once a week and tell her everything, why could she not have told me one thing? She literally never discloses and now i feel like i both hate and want her.

[NoddaProbBob]

I think your question is a fair one.

Everyone gets a little depressed but major depression is much more debilitating. Depression in general stinks, but it can really rob you of everything. Been there myself. I would be extremely angry with a T that didn't understand that. And sometimes, if a T hasn't gone through it, they don't know how to genuinely talk about it. Their experience is limited to what they've read about and heard about. But it's much different to have lived it.

Your T was likely trying to keep the conversation about you while avoiding. Perhaps she is uncomfortable talking about her private experiences? Every T is different in how they share personal disclosures.

Originally Posted by NoddaProbBob

I think your question is a fair one.

Everyone gets a little depressed but major depression is much more debilitating. Depression in general stinks, but it can really rob you of everything. Been there myself. I would be extremely angry with a T that didn't understand that. And sometimes, if a T hasn't gone through it, they don't know how to genuinely talk about it. Their experience is limited to what they've read about and heard about. But it's much different to have lived it.

Your T was likely trying to keep the conversation about you while avoiding. Perhaps she is uncomfortable talking about her private experiences? Every T is different in how they share personal disclosures.

Thank you, i agree with what you said. All i wanted to know was if she understood my pain.

[HazelGirl]

It sounds like she just may be the type of T who doesn't talk about herself. It's normal to want to know. Could you bring it up and tell her how it made you feel (without expecting her to actually answer the question)?

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It sounds like she just may be the type of T who doesn't talk about herself. It's normal to want to know. Could you bring it up and tell her how it made you feel (without expecting her to actually answer the question)?

I dont know. I feel very bad now because ive forgotten everything else she said in the session and its all been overrided by this incident.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

Thank you, i agree with what you said. All i wanted to know was if she understood my pain.

Rather than beat yourself up for it, applaud yourself for being human. We need social contact. People need people. We build our foundations on being able to connect with others. This is no different.

Maybe reframe your question to her. Ask her what you said to me. "Do you understand my pain?"

Originally Posted by NoddaProbBob

Rather than beat yourself up for it, applaud yourself for being human. We need social contact. People need people. We build our foundations on being able to connect with others. This is no different.

Maybe reframe your question to her. Ask her what you said to me. "Do you understand my pain?"

I will try. I just find the whole therapist thing too hard sometimes. For some reason therapists can't be human and just frigging talk about themselves for like five seconds.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

I will try. I just find the whole therapist thing too hard sometimes. For some reason therapists can't be human and just frigging talk about themselves for like five seconds.

I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes I think T's forget that they need to be vulnerable as well. That personalization is something that will often determine whether or not a client keeps seeing a certain therapist. To be honest, right now I'm struggling with my T because I don't feel like I know her. She knows a lot about my story and what I've been through, but I don't feel like I really know her or like she really knows me. It has to be a little bit more personal for me. I don't need to know everything but it would be comforting to see her human side and not just her T side.

Maybe you might feel comfortable writing her a letter. I wrote mine a letter and am going to bring it in with me to my next session. That might be a place to start.

[kraken1851]

Here is a blog post that I found very helpful - it explains, among others, why a therapist may choose not to answer such a question, beyond the obvious reason that they may want to keep this information private: (trigger warning: post mentions SA) Will You ?Get it?? ? Live Oak Blog

In any case, don't worry about asking your T this question - you're free to ask anything you like (but also, she's free to decide which questions to leave unanswered).

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

T was discussing how normal depression was etc and suddenly i asked her "have you ever had depression" without really thinking. She evaded the question and talked about types of depression. Then i said "but have you ever had it?"
She said "I can't see how that would help you to know" and evaded it all over again.
I guess i looked pretty pissed off for the last couple minutes and then we had to finish and she smiled, said goodbye, see you monday as usual, and i left. But I left feeling really awful about it, and now ive feel like ive blown it. I think she thinks im creepy now and i feel like i want to cry

Is this a problem? Could someone reassure me/offer advice please?

I think it's perfectly natural that you would ask, under two specific contexts: 1) when somebody tells me it's 'perfectly normal' to feel any way at all that does NOT feel normal to me, or is causing my pain, part of me wants to demand they confirm the normalcy of it by admitting they share this feeling--otherwise I suddenly doubt their veracity and 2) because the pain is what I want them to understand, and to do so, uttering blanket statements like 'perfectly normal' is often less than helpful.

Of course, I would also expect anyone (especially a T, as they supposedly are familiar with emotions and expressing them appropriately) to answer the question honestly, or at least address why they feel uncomfortable doing so. If it's because they want to keep the discussion 'about me', fine...then say so. But avoiding an answer, after offering pap, just pisses me off.

I'd suggest, as has been, to explain this to your T even if that means copying this thread and letting her read it. It is less important whether she has been depressed or suffered depression, than that she UNDERSTANDS how much it hurts that you are and have.

Take care

[tinyrabbit]

I think it was fine to ask. If your T doesn't want to answer she can say so.

[unaluna]

She needs to come up with an answer that shows she isnt in denial about something, that shows she knows how to walk the walk and not just talk the talk, and that shows real respect for the client, imo. This wasnt it. I dont think ts can hide behind the great and almighty oz curtain anymore, because there are other ts who ARE more aware, and they will eat the oz's lunch.

[Ford Puma]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

T was discussing how normal depression was etc and suddenly i asked her "have you ever had depression" without really thinking. She evaded the question and talked about types of depression. Then i said "but have you ever had it?"
She said "I can't see how that would help you to know" and evaded it all over again.
I guess i looked pretty pissed off for the last couple minutes and then we had to finish and she smiled, said goodbye, see you monday as usual, and i left. But I left feeling really awful about it, and now ive feel like ive blown it. I think she thinks im creepy now and i feel like i want to cry

Is this a problem? Could someone reassure me/offer advice please?

Dont think you have blown it at all. When we talk to T its fine when we ask them questions the all do the silent thing or just doge the question. I do not think they mean any harm in it its just the way they do things. Next time around just remember the dont like giving information away on themselves.
Most of them are like that.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

"I can't see how that would help you to know"

I'm surprised she couldn't see that...

If she's had it, you might feel more connected and reassured, not to mention see her as more human. If she hadn't she could move on to other ways of showing you she respected your struggle and could at least sympathize.

I can understand why you'd feel worried post-session, but that is nothing you need to own. You asked a legitimate question which she chose not to answer. That happens in therapy sometimes, but doesn't reflect on you at all. It's important you can ask whatever questions come to mind, that you feel she understands you and that while no T will ever have 100% the same experiences as any client, that they know how to handle sharing when they have or have not in a more useful way.

I hope next session goes better.

I don't think it was a bad question to ask, but I completely understand a therapist's reluctance to talk about it. First of all, it's personal health information - and although she is legally obligated to protect your privacy, she does not have the same protection from you. You could leave her office and scream it from the corner, right?

Secondly, we're not quite sure how sensitive she is about it. If she had a particularly rough go of it, it might be tough for her to talk about it.

Lastly, I think a T needs to draw the line somewhere. If she answers this question, will you ask more questions... how did it feel? how long did it last? any other personal health information you want to share? And so on. Not that you would ask, but who knows.

On that, don't feel bad! I wouldn't ask again or push though

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

I don't think it was a bad question to ask, but I completely understand a therapist's reluctance to talk about it. First of all, it's personal health information - and although she is legally obligated to protect your privacy, she does not have the same protection from you. You could leave her office and scream it from the corner, right?

Secondly, we're not quite sure how sensitive she is about it. If she had a particularly rough go of it, it might be tough for her to talk about it.

Lastly, I think a T needs to draw the line somewhere. If she answers this question, will you ask more questions... how did it feel? how long did it last? any other personal health information you want to share? And so on. Not that you would ask, but who knows.

On that, don't feel bad! I wouldn't ask again or push though

I really like your take on this. Not only is it the T's privacy at issue, but she is also modeling that she can protect her boundaries and choose not to answer questions that make her uncomfortable-- just like you can. The T relationship is actually a relationship, which means that both parties matter. I'm not a fan of the type of therapy where a T is considered the trough and the clients should be allowed to drink whenever they want. It's a 2 way street, and no one, T or not, should be forced to share when they don't think it's right, professionally or personally.

I'm not big on asking T's personal questions about themselves, although I agree that it is perfectly fine to do so. My T's (I've had three) have all revealed pertinent historical information at appropriate times, so I don't think it's the situation that she won't ever share with you.

I also think that you can look at the reason you're asking. It's not necessarily true that one person can understand another's pain, even if they have gone through the same thing, such as depression or CSA. Someone's depression pain is not necessarily the same as another's, and it doesn't mean that she can "get it" in the way you assume she would.

If you're not feeling understood by her, you should say that, and explore what that means in the context of your therapy. I think that will be a more direct line to the empathic response you're looking for.

[iheartjacques]

None of my T's ever told me if they had depression or not. Have I got really strict ones that reveal very little about themselves??

[growlycat]

I've asked both my T's a version of that question.

Psychodynamic T has very very open and honest about his struggles.

CBT mentioned hard-to-reach parents but evaded a little on his own suffering/or lack of.

I ask questions until they refuse to answer. Nothing wrong with wanting to know more about who is charged with helping you!

[Rive.]

It is a bit of a personal question and Ts don't have to answer such questions. It pertains to them and their private life. Granted, some might answer it but for her (and there is nothing wrong with that) it was a boundary and she just made you aware of that.

In any healthy relationship there are bound to be boundaries that are implemented, so you shouldn't feel bad to have asked. You asked, she declined to answer, that's all. You didn't mess anything up. I am sure she moved on and prob believes you did too.

You's okay, 88 ...

Some therapists are more willing to share their own personal stuff than others, because this is your process, not theirs. Good ones want to keep the focus on you and your process, and even if they haven't experienced your experience doesn't mean they can't be understanding, empathetic and helpful.

[stopdog]

Asking anyone a question is not a problem, no matter their reaction. Therapists are not the only area in which this occurs. Anyone saying no to answering is not the end of or sign that the asker has done anything wrong.

[empath301]

The relationship between patient and T is a profesional one. Thus the T is there to help you. For the T to talk of his/her personal problems with the patient would be a breach of professional ethics somehow I believe as the T knows more about you than you have a legal right to know about the T. Such defines the inequality of power in professional relationships. If the T has problems of such a nature it is up to the T to seek professional help. The T, in turn, would not have the right to know about elements of the chosen professional's private
life including if the chosen professional had experienced similar problem's to your T who is now the patient. Ts also have to maintain a certain amount of emotional distance, without lacking in empathy to be effective as professionals and not get burned out. The Ts see people like us five days a week. We see the t once a week. I hope this helps a bit. We have the right to know if they are qualified to help us with our specific problems and their approach they use to help us. We don't have the right to know about their personal lives though. So just apologise to the T and try to respect their professional limits. That ought to be enough to smooth the troubled waters.

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

T was discussing how normal depression was etc and suddenly i asked her "have you ever had depression" without really thinking. She evaded the question and talked about types of depression. Then i said "but have you ever had it?"
She said "I can't see how that would help you to know" and evaded it all over again.
I guess i looked pretty pissed off for the last couple minutes and then we had to finish and she smiled, said goodbye, see you monday as usual, and i left. But I left feeling really awful about it, and now ive feel like ive blown it. I think she thinks im creepy now and i feel like i want to cry

Is this a problem? Could someone reassure me/offer advice please?

Empath, please don't be offended by this, but is there any way you can make your font smaller. It is hard to read your replies strangely enough, and your responses feel like you are screaming because your font is so huge.