I find it so hard to find the right balance between politeness and trying not to be too 'close' to my T.

For example: I notice she's a bit sad. I could ask whether she's ok. But then I think it's none of my business, so I simply don't. And then I beat myself up for not having shown interest in how she feels and I feel so impolite.
I would like to stop myself from thinking that much... Cause after all we're all human, right? So I think I could simply ask and then it's up to her to answer or not, I guess?

Do you struggle with this too? Do you just say what you feel like you have/want to say? Or do you do some self censorship first?

[NowhereUSA]

i think i used to censor myself more, but in the last few months i've gotten more bold. my t has always been honest, but appropriate in his answers, but like, since i've seen him long term i know more about his life. when he lost a client recently i found out suddenly and i've wanted to ask how *he* was doing with it, but i felt weird. i ended up being like, 'so.... you're not going to quit being my therapist right? because i heard t's can kinda decide to quit after that kind of thing?'

how do i say this from a non-judgmental stance... it may sound convoluted, but by making it about me i feel like i'm giving him an opening to assure me he's okay if that makes sense. i do still feel guilty that i kind of co-opted his grief that way. like 'hey, yeah, so, pay attention to meeeeeee' even tho that's not the deep down reality.

man i ramble a lot lol.

[HazelGirl]

Could you bring this topic up with her and see what her preference is?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Forwardinreverse

I find it so hard to find the right balance between politeness and trying not to be too 'close' to my T.

For example: I notice she's a bit sad. I could ask whether she's ok. But then I think it's none of my business, so I simply don't. And then I beat myself up for not having shown interest in how she feels and I feel so impolite.
I would like to stop myself from thinking that much... Cause after all we're all human, right? So I think I could simply ask and then it's up to her to answer or not, I guess?

Do you struggle with this too? Do you just say what you feel like you have/want to say? Or do you do some self censorship first?

This is such a good question. Well of course i think so because i have felt like this myself. My answer is a question: has someone yelled at you for asking, or somehow made you feel like you were prying, or that just by existing you were a burden? Did they try to exclude you on a regular basis, so you dont feel like you belong anywhere? When you start feeling included and welcome, you wont be censoring yourself - you will be able to trust your feelings. That is the change working with my t has made. No more mixed messages either - is it safe this time?

[sjkero]

I struggle with this ALL THE TIME.

For example...

I see my t on Mondays, and I always want to ask her how her weekend was and if she did anything fun. But I never do b/c I worry it'll come across as nosy. And then I feel like I give the impression I don't care about her. And then I just end up feeling like a cold-hearted ******.

Originally Posted by hankster

This is such a good question. Well of course i think so because i have felt like this myself. My answer is a question: has someone yelled at you for asking, or somehow made you feel like you were prying, or that just by existing you were a burden? Did they try to exclude you on a regular basis, so you dont feel like you belong anywhere? When you start feeling included and welcome, you wont be censoring yourself - you will be able to trust your feelings. That is the change working with my t has made. No more mixed messages either - is it safe this time?

Yes, I feel a slight improvement and trust it will get better. But it stays difficult. And I do think it has a reason (parents) to be present. My mother would always answer things for me, I never got a chance to say something. And when I did she'd say it was stupid or something. So I learned to shut up, while actually I care a LOT... and so much more than I can often express. And that sucks so much... I feel heartless, while on the inside, I know I'm not...

Originally Posted by sjkero

I struggle with this ALL THE TIME.

For example...

I see my t on Mondays, and I always want to ask her how her weekend was and if she did anything fun. But I never do b/c I worry it'll come across as nosy. And then I feel like I give the impression I don't care about her. And then I just end up feeling like a cold-hearted ******.

Exactly what happens to me too!!
But I do ask! I feel it more important to show interest and being human, and I trust her boundaries to tell me to shut up or not to answer my questions when she doesn't want to. I guess that makes sense. But it took me a long time to get there...
But the cool thing is, sometimes I notice she appreciates something I do and say and then I think 'see, it was good to open up and just say what you wanted to say'. I like that.

Will you give it a try too? Or did you yet?

[always_wondering]

The boundaries with my T are a little skiddish. I try not to ask too many questions, so I just wait for a cue. When it comes, i go for it and he usually gives me the answer.
But, I do get flustered a little, like when its his birthday, I know its his birthday, and I dont say anything. I feel bad, but I dont think he wants me to bring it up.