[JaneC]

I am sure you will think this is stupid, and so insignificant that I ought to get over it and be ok. But I'll explain anyway....because I think I'll need a bit of support over the next couple of weeks, and if I am bit too needy here maybe you will understand?

My 7yr old son left today for Europe, with his father. I am in NZ. He'll be gone for 2 and a half weeks and this is the longest he has been away from me. I am soo sad right now I can not explain just how much I will miss him.

But the part that is awful, is the constant irrational fears that keep jumping in to my head. I am terrified that my ex husband will not bring him back!! Now, part of me knows that it is irrational...there is a court order in place and alerts with Interpol that specify when he must be back.....but another part of me, the one where all of the emotional memories are, keeps remembering the threats that my ex made to take him away and never let me see him again.

As our relationship became bad and he became, well some would say abusive....he threatened a few times to take my son and disappear. I was terrified then and am again now. That is why there are court orders etc in place. The last time he threatened I had to do something to safe guard my boy.

I know...it is irrational!! But I just can't help it. I keep suddenly feeling overwhelmed, and terrified that he wont come back! I end up in tears and shaking. At the airport it took everything for me to resist the physical urge to run through those departure gates and stop him going through passport control. It was horrid!

Not the best time for my T to have told me he's leaving in the future(as I wrote about) in the same week my boy goes away.....bit too much abandonment stuff to deal with!

I know I am writing a book, but I just feel quite overwhelmed by these stupid irrational fears!!! Sitting here in my empty house, crying like a fool! And feeling so scared and sad and alone..........

I could really use some support please? How to manage these fears so they stop overwhelming me? Thanks for reading if you get through it.

[ThisWayOut]

I would not say it's a stupid fear ((hugs)) But you put everything in place that you need to in order to ensure his safe return. I can't imagine how hard this is for you right now. i'm sorry the impending loss of your t is on the plate too... that's pretty crappy timing :/

[JustShakey]

((Jane)) I understand. And it's not irrational either. Threatening to take your child is one of the cruelest things anyone can do to a mother.

[InRealLife45]

if hes threatened before then it isnt irrational at all, its a very valid fear. but i dont know what to say to help ease your fear, except try to trust that he will abide by court orders and return with your child as agreed. if he still has a life where you live, chances are he isnt going anywhere.

[JaneC]

Thank you all for saying it is not irrational to fear this. It feels like it is, because the ex does have a life here with his new wife and son, who are overseas too. So even though I know logically, on balance, that he will bring my boy back.......

I still fear he might not. And I keep seeing the moments in my head when he was yelling and threatening to take him before. I know that is past.....sorry, it just feels awful.

Thank you for the support, it is kind.

[Aloneandafraid]

Sending you hugs Jane. Totally not irrational to feel this. Look after yourself.

Jane....I would be missing my son like crazy too... Did you plan any projects to do while he is gone?

Now my situation was completely different than yours but each summer my H would take kids to visit his family for a week...but I always planned a project to do that I knew my kids would love... Like rearranging their rooms..redecorating them...Going through toys and cleaning up... It made me feel closer to them but it also made me happy because in the end I had cleaned and organized toys and clothes and stuff...

I needed distractions...hope you can plan some distracting events with friends or things to do that you like.

Eta...it's best not to spend time worrying over something that will likely never happen but that is so easier said than done.

[HazelGirl]

This is definitely not irrational. Try to combat these fears with the fact that he has brought him back every time since then.

[NowhereUSA]

i don't think it's irrational. to some extent you are having to trust someone who has not been in the past, someone trustworthy. trust is built over time through a series of experiences and you have not had those experiences. so while you may logically know that he will bring him back, you are having to put your trust in logic, not in his character and in experience. it is easiest to not be afraid when we can trust in all three things (reason, the person, and in experience) but when you only have one leg of the table that you trust, it's bound to be a bit wobbly.

sorry if that didn't make sense. it made more sense in my head.

[sweepy62]

I hope the two weeks go superfast and your son has a safe return. Your fears are not irrational by the way.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's understandable that you feel fearful and overwhelmed, JaneC. You clearly love your son so much. He is lucky to have you as his Mom.

I'm really sorry that your therapist is going to be gone too. Maybe you can do something for yourself during this difficult time. Can you think of anything that would help you feel better?

My thoughts are with you.

[growlycat]

You sound like a caring mom and your fears are understandable, given the past threats that were made.

Try to think of what a good experience overseas travel will be for your son. I hope you can do something for yourself while he is away.

[Wysteria]

Hi Jane C...

I can totally relate to your fears. My ex took both my sons to Italy for two weeks and T went on vacation and I was pretty overwhelmed also with the abandonment issues. I totally understand when at the very least, one ear is tuned to wherever they are in the world.

I texted at least once a day and downright demanded pictures...lol. I got a total of 4. It is frustrating as men typically just don't get how strong that maternal bond is. I would definitely call at least twice and say I wanted to speak with your son. It will ease your fears immensely. Also, if the new wife is there and you have any kind of communication with her, ask her to take some pics of your son and send them to you. Don't be ashamed or feel like you are being irrational. We are mothers and it is our job. To be paranoid, no....but super cautious and a little belligerent...yup.

Gentle hugs...get the pics, get a massage, work in your son's room or doing some of those things you don't want to tackle with a little one around...get another picture, get a mani/pedi while you have the chance!

You can do this and he will be home very shortly and have seen some wonderful things to tell his class about...


Wysteria Blue

PS...love Road's comments in the next post. So glad you have her on your side for great advice.

[roads]

There's nothing irrational in your fears for your son, and your therapist is abandoning you and all hi/her clients. Validating/accepting your feelings is the first step to coping with them.

The timing for your T to leave is unbelievably bad luck. Do you have a referral to someone? Get a new therapist immediately, even if you don't stay with them down the road. You need and deserve emotional support right now. If your T didn't refer you, strongly request a referral.

If you don't hear from your husband or son after a week, I'd ask the State Department to request the American Embassy in whatever European city they're supposed to be in to check on your son's well-being.

I had a friend with an alcoholic daughter living in the Middle East, and she wouldn't pay phone or Internet fees or email her mom at an Internet Cafe to let her know she was alive. The State Department found the daughter every time, so I know that in the right circumstances they'll perform this service for any American citizen. It seems to me your situation would qualify.

Of course your ex ought to be sending you pictures and updates via email, but true jerks never outgrow the underlying ego and ignorance. Sadly, that's something else you need to accept.

Stay in touch with your best PC friends too, several times a day. If a person in your current mess can't & dump any time, something's seriously more wrong with the world than we know.

VM or PM me anytime. Maybe look up the chat room schedule and find some that might help. Take best care of yourself.

roads

[JaneC]

Thanks, and sorry I think I wasn't clear about my T leaving. He is not leaving now. He told me that he will be leaving in the future, just that he told me in the same week as my boy went away makes it hard to stomach the abandonment fears. I am seeing him twice this week instead of only once, so hope that helps, and it was good he had space to fit me in. He knows my fears can become overwhelming.

Roads, I am a New Zealander(and live here too), so unfortunately your great advice about the State Dept doesn't work for me. I know worst case scenario who I can call. I logically know I will not need to. I just don't feel it, you know?

I met my best friend today for coffee/lunch but even with her I couldn't talk about missing my boy much....I just need to avoid thinking about it to keep calm.

Thanks for the ideas.....I have emailed asking for confirmation of safe arrival and photos, and a phone call this week. Lets see what happens. I have numbers of where they will be staying, hopefully, so can always call myself.

I've booked 3 shifts at my new job to kill some time, as I am on holiday from university for the next 2 weeks. I'll try to do something nice for myself.....although it is tempting to wallow in my misery as I am also becoming sick!! Typical.

OK......enough complaining. Thanks for the support. It does help to know there are people out there wishing me well. I do appreciate the thoughts and hugs and ideas. Especially those that suggested working on my boys room. It could use a clear out(stinky boys stuff lurking no doubt ) and a change around. That'll keep me occupied.

to you all.

[Snoopysmom]

Hi Jane
I'm not a mom but my parents divorce was a lot like yours. Every time dad took me on weekends I wondered if he would bring me home and it was local. Now I'm the one in therapy. I have no new words of wisdom that have not been offered. I just wanted to sent you a huge ((((((Hug))))) and let you know that your son might be thinking the same things you are,or he might be having so much fun he has not even thought about how much he misses his wonderful mom. And it sounds like your a great mom. Good luck finding a new T.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JaneC]

Oh my!! My boy called this evening. A really quick call to let me know he what he is doing today, and that he loves me and bye! lol

Soooooooo good to hear from him! Yay, he is ok!

I was pushing all of my feelings away, keeping them locked tight so I didn't have to feel. And now after hearing is voice(after the relief) I am crying and sad that he is so far away. But also a tiny bit less afraid that he won't be brought home.

Thanks for the wonderful support from you all, it really helped. Only 2 weeks 1 day to go!

[Wysteria]

Hooray...bet it made you feel great just to hear his voice.

Honestly...think it will be fine...hope he's seeing wonderful wide world. The experience is priceless...

Take care and thanks for the update!!!

Wysteria

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you heard from him...
and crying is ok. (hugs)

Take care Jane, im sorry this sounds so difficult. Just hope the two weeks fly by. In the meantime could you think about looking around for possible Ts?

Not irrational at all, JaneC. The threats were made, and that worry can never be forgotten as long as they are minors. I know, I've been there. It wasn't till my kid was sixteen that I shared my anxiety with anyone, my therapist. I'm so sorry that your therapist is not available. But, I want you to know that I am sending positive thoughts your way, and am empathetic to yours and your kids situation.

Jane...just checking in to see how you are doing with your son being away? How are you keeping yourself busy? Any fun things planned? Some good rest/relaxation?

Sending safe hugs and positive vibes...