Struggling with my therapist, might be a bad situation

I'm new here and I'm looking to shine a light on my problematic relationship with my therapist. That light being each one of your eyes and minds. I know that sounds weird or corny, but I have a hard time sharing these things so my problems end up in this dark, secret place where only my own negative thinking is allowed. So I'd be grateful your honest thoughts and opinions because I think it might help me face and understand this situation better.

I'm an early 30s male and my therapist is a woman who's a little older than me but not too much. I started seeing her a year and a half ago for child abuse recovery, depression, anxiety, PTSD, lots of other things. My life was pretty screwed up from ages 0-18, and I had to deal with it 100% alone. I made it far enough to get an education, decent paying job, etc., but I was left with a whole host of mental and emotional problems, mainly centered around self-acceptance, life skills, and relationships.

The central problem to this situation I think is the fact that I'm alone in the world right now. No family, no friends, no roots, I'm like a leaf in the wind. I always thought it'd be cool to be like the Man with No Name, drifting from town to town, completely self-sufficient, shrouded in mystery, but it actually sucks. I'm definitely a relationship-oriented person, my happiest most fulfilling experiences in life involved other people, and I feel empty and lost without people in my life. My parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, etc., could be described as "sociopathic", so with all that combined, I've had a bad life-long habit of getting caught up with abusive people.

Now onto my therapist. I went to see her for CBT specifically since she advertised herself as offering that service, but I really don’t think she has any interest or experience in CBT. Any time I’ve asked her about finally doing CBT she gets nervous and evasive. Her actual specialty is New Age/Hay House-type therapy, which I think is bunk, personally, so it’s not really a good match for me.

My therapist also seems emotionally unstable, and I’m pretty sure she’s manipulated me into this weird relationship with her that I feel stuck in. I grew up having my brain screwed with by my family and chosen relationships, so I'm really susceptible to being manipulated and abused. Which sucks! I'm in therapy to fix that stuff, not to get into it again.

Since I’ve been seeing her for a year and a half there’s a lot of material to work with, but I’ll just give the highlights.

• Acts like I’m special. Better than her other clients. Amazing and wonderful with no bad sides to me. Tells me that we both share this great, deep insight into life. Has this idealistic view of me that I’m this pure and great person, when I’m a flawed person like anyone else, and it puts a lot of pressure on me. Her saying this stuff has influenced me to stay with her. It makes me feel good, but after thinking about it a little, it’s like she’s dosing me with high-grade synthetic positive vibes. It’s too extreme and unrealistic, and the effect it has on me is to get me stuck on her.
  
  
• Given me bizarre, creepy, Norman Bates-style looks. Told me to close my eyes and visualize something; I closed my eyes, got weird vibes, and I sneaked a look and I saw her staring at me with intense eyes, head down a little, with a grin from ear to ear. I’ve never seen anyone look at me like that. She also gave me a flash of the same creepy look when she told me I should go on medication when I finally opened up to her about my anxiety (which also made me feel really bad about my problems). She seemed almost lustful about the idea, like I don’t know how to put it, it had this sorta serial killer vibe to it. Two people have given me somewhat similar looks before – one of them was a self-described sociopath, and the other was this cruel, manipulative woman. And of course I ended up in abusive relationships with both of them that lasted upwards of 3 years.
  
  
• Gives me dangerous, half-assed advice, and leaves me hanging when I listen to her and it ends up hurting me. One session she threw out this idea that I should emotionally separate myself from my family. So I listen to her, think about it for a few weeks, and I ended up in this completely awful place. I was in utterly excruciating pain. She gave me no guidance, no support, nothing. So I’m doubled over in pain in front of her, asking her for help coping with it, and she told me she couldn’t help me. She looked at me like I was a sick cat trying to crawl on her lap. Didn’t flinch, didn’t make any indication that she had a normal, human connection with me, since people generally don’t like looking at others in pain, particularly when they’re partly responsible for it. I felt so abandoned and used after that.
  
  
• Gotten angry and attacked me when I told her I was thinking of seeing a therapist who specialized in my issues. I feel like she’s “punished” me for bringing up actual, real problems I have with our relationship, so I learned to keep quiet about them. Yet she tells me that I should be open and honest about things, which is such disingenuous horsecrap.
  
  
• My T seems really selfish and self-centered, like our treatment is more about her than it is about me. I left therapy for a session to try out a new therapist, who ended up sexually harassing me (great luck lately, huh). So I’m desperate, burned, etc., and I go back to her. Instead of helping me through that experience, she put all the focus on her. Totally brushed over the fact that I was hurt, and made it all about her and our relationship. I really could have used some help coping because that other therapist ****ed my head up for a good couple of weeks.
  
  
• Our treatment has no goals. No direction. No structure. No organization. My therapist just riffs on things each session with no continuity and I can barely get in a word, it's like she wants to be a guru or something. Any time I ask about bringing in goals and structure, she gets evasive about it. “Oh yeah, I’ll bring it in next week”, then never mentions it again. So my treatment feels 1) completely chaotic; and 2) hijacked by my therapist for her own needs because I’m living out this weird, fake, potentially abusive relationship with her. I feel bad for her so I try to take care of her, weirdly enough.
  
  
• She flirts with me sometimes. I mentioned sex about two months ago and she seemed really into me talking about my sexual life and sexual history. Gives me really heated eyes … like, some of our sessions have gotten a little steamy. She’s showed me some skin here and there. Glances at my crotch from time to time. This has gotten me stuck to her, too, because I’m lonely, I haven’t had sex in a few years, and I think she’s attractive.

Those are just the highlights. I have to be honest, I feel like I’m trapped in this fake relationship and I’m scared of firing her. She's helped me with a few things, and I've "bonded" with her I guess. I’m still a little skeptical of my own judgments, but worst of all, I’m alone in the world! If I fire her then I’ll be 100% alone again, so I’m giving her this incredible amount of leverage in my life. My gut instinct tells me this whole thing is rotten, but I’m scared and embarrassed of doing something about it. Scared about being alone. Embarrassed because deep down I know this isn’t right, and I’m ashamed I let it happen, and ashamed that I’m alone and scared in the world. I've been through this same situation before with abusive people (including my family, sociopath girl mentioned above, most of my other girlfriends, "friends", etc.). Also, things aren't great in other parts of my life, either. My work environment is negative, my apartment situation is negative, I've neglected my health and responsibilities for the past couple of years. I want to start cleaning up my life, but I've got a mountain of work to do so it's all a little overwhelming.

Thank you for reading this really long post. I’ve let this fester for a year and a half and I finally want to take care of things, but I’m still a little lost and stuck with it all. I would be thankful for any thoughts or advice. I’m sorta new to reaching out to people.

(((chor0nzon)))

I can relate quite a bit to your family and personal history. I feel for you.

Perhaps you should try looking into group therapy in your area. I really recommend DBT ~ dialectical behavioral therapy. It has helped me a lot! Simply recognizing emotions, learning self-care, self-respect, and building relationships as well as techniques to help you through tough times...that's what DBT is about. I think that it could be helpful to you in emotional and professional relationships ~ figuring out intensity and appropriateness.

Just my opinion, anyway. The only way that I can think of to help you is by advising you to get in to see a different therapist. If you don't have the strength to do that yet, then add a group therapy to give yourself more strength and you'll get there...it just takes a little bit of time and devotion to getting better.

Very best wishes...

does someone have the link to TELL? they can probably give counsel.

is she private practice?

if she is, idk if it would help, but i see a t that's part of a large clinic. i've noticed that this affords some level of accountability - sure it's not perfect as the t's have a lot of autonomy - but i know that he gets consults and has a supervisor and goes to therapy himself as needed. i appreciate that.

I really think that finding a new T is in your best interest at this point.

Whomever you see next, start out by telling them what the last two have done to you, and see how they respond. Based on that response, you might be able to figure out who the creepy ones are. I am so sorry you have had that experience.

Follow your instincts. I hear you saying something just doesn't seem right. She has no goals or structure for you even after you requested them. You drive therapy. Do you feel you are making any progress?

What are her credentials? Is she licensed? If she is licensed, in most cases, you can look up her license online to see if she has any disciplines or problems.

I know you tried out a second therapist who didn't work out. Please try to get another opinion. It's not your job to take care of her.

TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

I've been where you are.

Pre

I can't improve on what others have said here but all of the above is great advice. I am a big believer in trusting your instincts.

i just saw that shezbut recommended dbt. i really benefitted from dbt myself and i like that my t is a dbt trained t. it's been good for me. so just being like 'second that motion'

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. There are few things harder than acknowledging that the person you are closest to does not have your best interest in mind. Being completely alone is truly terrifying.

Onto practical advice:

Your concerns seem to narrow down to the following (sorry for being so reductionist):
1) She does not have the training to provide you the service you are looking for; CBT - the ethical thing for her to do would be to refer you to a CBT provider, 2) She is doing something NO therapist should ever do, encourage you to isolate from others so she can be the only support in your life, 3) Making you feel somewhat "unsafe" in the relationship, and not having your best interest in hand.

Of course you feel close to her and feel invested in the relationship. Starting therapy with a new therapist is a lot of emotional work. But it is worth the investment. It can also be difficult to find a "good fit". However, it seems like you are simply not getting what you need/what you are paying for. She might be doing more harm than good.

I know you know this, but it's important to keep in mind that patients pay a therapist for a service. The relationship should be 100% about YOUR needs (as long as the therapist's boundaries are respected, of course). She is not providing the service you need/want. Please don't feel like you "owe" her anything. That's why we pay, so we don't feel like we "owe".

If you can afford it, a good idea would be to start looking for other therapists while you continue to see her. It might feel a bit like "cheating", but having a therapist "lined up" will give you some peace of mind and help you make that leap without feeling alone. Moreover, a neutral party can give you more objective feedback on your current situation.

If you are interested in a CBT therapist, there are national groups like ABCT (association for behavioral and cognitive therapists) that have directories that list trained CBT therapists. You can also ask the prospective therapists about their training with CBT, whether they have treated folks with your problems, and how they can help you achieve your goals. As always, trust your gut.

If money is an issue, you could try reducing the number of session you have with her. It can give you an opportunity to see how she reacts.

I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide!

PS: I am making the assumption that you are a heterosexual male. I am wondering if you would feel safer/more comfortable with a straight male therapist?

I'll add to everyone else's enthusiastic endorsement of TELL. They were a valuable resource; the responders there have been through harmful therapy themselves.

Leaving was difficult for many reasons: I HOPED this therapist would help me ease the pain of living; I saw him as a wise shaman authority figure. I left with much to unravel.

There's not too much literature covering bad therapy, but there are several on-line check-lists, including TELL's

Unsafe Poor Bad Psychotherapy | TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line
50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling
What should NOT happen in therapy? | Supporting Safe Therapy
How therapists abuse their clients

All the best. On the good side, I perhaps learned more leaving bad therapy than I did when I was in it.

it sounds like some of this could be negative transference on your part, but she doesn't sound like the right T for you or really a good one. since you are attached maybe start interviewing other Ts, personally i would not tell your current T about doing that, and then when you find a good one leave this T. i wouldn't drag that out though. just meet with the new ones for a few sessions and then decide. if you can, get a recommendation for a T from someone like a doctor or friend. just don't pick some random T but do your homework and find someone reputable. another thing to consider is a 12-step group or group therapy. i did adult children of alcoholics even though i'm not from an alcoholic family and found it incredibly helpful to make sense of my family of origin.

What everyone has said here is great. I also posted these links a while back about good and bad therapy. The links about bad therapy can help you determine that your therapist is not good for you. And the links about good therapy can help you find the right person when the time comes

Here is some info about bad therapy:

50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling

Is Your Therapist Re-Traumatizing You? | Psychology Today

Therapists Spill: Red Flags A Clinician Isn?t Right For You | Psych Central

And Here's Good therapy

Good Therapy

50 Signs of Good Therapy

How to find a good therapist 1

I also second the suggestions for group therapy of some kind (DBT, or maybe an abuse survivor group), and the TELL link. I read that site quite a bit a while back when I had a bad therapist.

ok those links didn't translate, so just see this thread http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...od-thrapy.html

Since there was so little to read about bad therapy, I read about cults--for bad therapy seemed to be a cult for two--and "traumatic bonding."

I had repeatedly remind myself that the therapist wasn't really rescuing or helping me, despite the illusion they created. As author Marilyn Peterson points out, we're conditioned to respect authority figures. A therapist has no authority over us, no supernatural wisdom. They're people who took some courses in graduate school.

There's can be a large gap between how a relationship is labeled and its reality.

Woah, thanks for the great responses everyone. I think the challenge I'm facing here is the fact that I developed an emotional connection with my therapist. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I knew the whole thing was going to be crap from session 2. I even found those TELL links on my own about a year ago. :S I have way more clarity now than I did before, so I think I'll give them a reread.

Coming to terms with this is going hand-in-hand with me recovering from the effects of my abusive family, and I'm going through the same process with other abusive relationships I've collected over the past 2 years. I'm at a much higher level of awareness now, so now might be a good time to move on. It's tough disconnecting from these situations because I am alone, but there are probably better solutions to that then getting caught up in abusive relationships (which is all I ever knew, honestly).

To the poster who thinks this is transference, I'm 99.9% certain it isn't because I only covered the highlights, there's been a lot of really questionable things she's done from a lot of different standpoints. Like, I feel completely stupid for getting involved in this ... it's not that I lacked awareness of what was going on, it's that I lied to myself because I wanted ---somebody--- in my life, and I already had some brilliant in-built rationalizations to tolerate and accept the abuse, gifted to me from my family. I'm sick of that crap. It's like I have a dual reality: the reality of what I really think and feel v. the reality forced on me growing up that I was born to be abused and mistreated.

My next steps are going to be checking out DBT and group therapy. My idea to prevent this again is to use my new skills and knowledge to keep out the creeps, and start connecting to people in a healthy, mutual way. Which of course scares the living crap out of me, but maybe it won't be as bad as I think. Who knows.

Looking on the bright side of things, this has been a good opportunity for me to overcome abusive relationships. Gave me a demon in person to wrestle with, to say it inelegantly. I've definitely learned a lot about myself and my problems through this experience, though I'm sure there were better ways to do that. Oh well, that's life!

I agree with Hazelgirl. I think you should go find a new t and let them know exactly what you have posted here.

Your gut is already telling you what you need to know.

I saw my therapist again this week and I think some transference is happening here.

I don't think she's abusing me intentionally or trying to scam me. I think she has her own problems that she needs to deal with, but I don't think she's being malicious. I'm probably inferring evil intent from her because I do know people out there who are malicious in the way I'm imagining ... my family, which is something I'm still struggling with. I think I might have some kind-of awful trauma problem with it.

Which brings me to moving on with my treatment. Dealing with my actual problems ... the things that traumatized me, my family, all that stuff, it's just so incredibly hard for me to deal with. It hurts really badly, and I just get overwhelmed so easily by it. I think part of the reason I'm staying with this T is because I don't have to take my real problems seriously, thus allowing me to avoid my pain and fear.

The treatment that I need, that I could seriously benefit from, would involve all these things that I just want to run away from. I have to find some way to face it, but it isn't easy at all.

Maybe your T isn't being intentionally malicious. But she is still harming you by allowing you to continue to avoid your problems. You're wasting money and time by showing up each week. It's not beneficial to you, nor is it helping you.

I think you should try new therapists...and keep trying them until you get a good one.

Hi, chor0nzon. I would find another therapist. Not only is "it" not a very good match for you, it sounds like your therapist is not either and you have had plenty of time to see whether your impressions and feelings were true (whether you were getting what you came for/your money's worth)? Concentrate on yourself and your thoughts, feelings, and what you want.

Thanks everyone, I should definitely still find a new therapist. She doesn't seem equipped or comfortable handling what I want to work on, so that's that. I guess she doesn't really have my best interests in mind, does she.

I appreciate all the feedback, advice, and listening. This place is pretty cool.