[musinglizzy]

On Thursday, the intention is for my T and I to start talking about my childhood. Which consisted of abuse, and quite a few traumatic experiences. I am nervous, I just don't even know where or how to start. I know she will guide me, she's good at that, but I'm nervous about bringing up all this old stuff. But, it it all this old stuff that turned me into who I am today. A person who needs work.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know how I'll react to reliving these memories, I've never zoned out in session, but I can see it happening. I tend to do that when I'm trying to avoid something. How does your T handle that? It's not as though they can snap their fingers and bring us back to life, I don't think. I've not had extremely uncomfortable discussions with my T yet....but that is starting on Thursday.

I can't say I understand how talking about it is gonna make it go away, I know I am who I am partially because of how I was raised. I was raised in a "dont cry or I'll give you something to cry about" and "children are to be seen and not heard" environment. So crying is something I try to avoid, and I also am not very vocal, and definitely don't stick up for myself or voice my opinions. Basically, I'm a door mat.

So, I'm nervous about Thursday, I trust my T and believe there couldn't be a better match out there for me than her, but I don't want to break down, I don't want to zone out.... I don't want to see how she reacts to either of those things. I don't KNOW how she'll react. I know she has a very calming influence on me, and she gives great hugs at the end of each session.... but breaking down. Jeez. I'm just not sure I'll be able to hold back. Sometimes the things she tells me about myself have me close to that point. I swear she knows me better than I know myself.

Just nervous for Thursday.

In similar situations... It helped me to talk to my T about talking about it. We talked about my fears about talking about it...

[iheartjacques]

My T raised that today. He wants to look at how my past relationships are affecting my current relationships. I got a cold sinking feeling in my stomach.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks readytostop....perhaps spending my session tomorrow talking about my fears about going there would be a better start than just going there.

And yeah, I feel that cold sinking feeling in my stomach. Luckily I have enough to keep me busy and my mind off it today!

[BeGentle]

It's only the hardest thing in the world to do and I was a shaking wreck anytime I got close to that stuff. Start slow and just let it unfold very gradually. It's like a cork being loosened....not chamgange with a bang. Just do what you can and it will become easier with each session. Breaking down is a good thing; it needs to come out. It is a release. You may get to a point where you cannot wait to see her to talk more; and that is a great feeling. Being accepted and heard may feel amazing and foreign and healing for you. Therapy such a crazy bird and you sound like you are in goods hands.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

But, it it all this old stuff that turned me into who I am today. A person who needs work.

That is not all you are. I would start with talking about your hopes and dreams as a child, what you wanted or did not want/disliked. Start with easy little details -- I still remember not liking cooked carrots when I was young and then suddenly there weren't a problem when I was older We did not have liver for dinner when I was growing up because my father did not like it but I decided in my 20s that it was "good for" one and that I wanted to eat it so I started a program where whenever I was out for dinner I would order it if it was on the menu and now I like it and sometimes seek it out. Start with the easy stuff, what you all ate and why that (was your mother a good cook? did she cook at all? did your dad? in general, how were things set up in your house?).

My stepmother took my brothers and myself to the dentist for the first time after she got us. That experience (we went every 6 months, clockwork, rain or shine :-) turned out having a very big effect on my life but what I remember from when I was about 5-7 was the dental hygienist, a kind/warm, older woman who went by the name "Brownie" (might have been the dentist's wife, I was too young to ever know/understand about that) would often make the statement that maybe I would grow up to become a dental hygienist. I really really did not want that! But I was too young to understand how the adult world of work worked :-) and just sort of assumed you were "assigned" what you would work at after school, something like that and I was terrified that I would end up a dental hygienist against my will! Even today that worry haunts me and I'm almost 64 and am retired.

So, the first couple times, just start telling stories that you are comfortable with, laugh at the easy stuff like things you misunderstood but "get" now, little puzzles you remember -- As a 5-7 year old child we'd go to my parents beach cottage every summer and I could not understand why the adults wanted to lay in the sand/sun instead of immediately go into the water and play :-) The easy stories will remind you of and gradually lead you into the more difficult ones.

My next older brother, when we were 6 and 8 years old respectively, use to cup his hand over my head and then hit it with the other palm which makes the sound of an egg breaking? So, one day he decided to do it with a real egg in his hand and the egg broke. Our stepmother was furious and decided his punishment was to wash my hair. I don't now if you have ever had an angry/resentful 8 year old boy wash your hair before but I don't recommend it But that story of the bathtub/having my hair washed leads into a memory of my stepmother's harsh treatment of me that involved the bathtub also (along with 2 inches of water and several shovelfuls of dirt I had to bring from the backyard and "bathe" in since I enjoyed being "dirty") and that story discussed with my therapist was very very helpful to me.