[SoupDragon]

I find close contact with people difficult (apart from with my children who I feel safe with).

This morning, I heard a child (maybe aged 2) crying next door - he or she through their sobs was saying "cuddle". I then heard their mothers soothing voice repeating, "you want a cuddle?" the child saying yes and then it being quiet. I assume the child got the contact they wanted / needed.

I suddenly felt very sad for myself. When I am distressed, I never think of a cuddle as something that would be soothing - I tried to imagine myself as a small child crying and saying that and hearing my mother's voice - I couldn't imagine it at all.

I can't see how therapy can ever put this right - when I am sad I just want to be alone.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I suddenly felt very sad for myself. When I am distressed, I never think of a cuddle as something that would be soothing - I tried to imagine myself as a small child crying and saying that and hearing my mother's voice - I couldn't imagine it at all.

I can't see how therapy can ever put this right . . .

Therapy works slowly, like all other experience. Until this incident, you had not even thought of a child being cuddled and how they may feel about it, what may be going on, what you may be missing? Now you see the "problem" for yourself. You cannot imagine being cuddled but you have "roughed out" the situation. It is like imaging the whole, built house, when it has only just been framed?

Keep working, you are going in the right direction. I still remember the morning I lay down with my senile, 85 year old stepmother (formerly "evil" stepmother :-) who was having a hard time waking and lay there next to her rubbing her back and the feelings, memories, and awareness that came flooding into me and literally changed my life, healing across 35 years. I can touch and be touched now, hug and be hugged, seek comfort from another and enjoy the sharing. But that was also after 20 years of good therapy and personal work.

[unaluna]

Yeah. They think the regular visits, their being there on time, being consistent, blah blah blah are all supposed to make this magical change. Problem is, my parents were always there and consistent etc - consistently WRONG, but consistent nevertheless. So i became dismissive avoidant. So we can be three feet away from each other but totally disconnected.

It is when unusual things happen that things shift for me. Like when i went to the hospital emergency two years ago with a stroke. I called t to let him know i would be missing my appointment the next day. Taking care of business! he used it as an opportunity to really connect with me. I just saw this clearly now when i read your post.

So no i dont recommend having a stroke, but i do recommend being open to whatever is happening.

[stopdog]

I too do not consider others comforting. If injured, hurt, sad, etc, I very much want others to stay away from me. The second therapist has said I respond like a wounded wild animal. I don't know that therapy could change it or not. Is changing what you are seeking from therapy?

[elliemay]

FWIW I think a lot of people are like that. I know I am. I don't think it's pathological, just a difference among people.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Is changing what you are seeking from therapy?

That's a good question. I'm not really sure of the answer. Mostly I am OK being on my own, I feel it more peaceful, as I find other people too confusing, but I guess I wonder if I am missing something.

Yes do I want to change, or do I want to be able to accept who I am? I know that my T would say stop being so black and white about it and aim for somewhere in the middle.

[JustShakey]

Soup, you sound a lot like me.
I was in a very scary situation about two years ago and I had a complete stranger tell me that I looked like I needed a hug and then give me one. That's when I realized what I had been missing. Or started realizing at any rate.
Hankster, my parents were a bit like yours I think - consistently there and consistently wrong It was like I was expected to be responsible for things I should never have been doing by myself and had simple things that I should have been capable of doing by myself done for me. And I was not physically comforted when I was upset. I was held when I was happy, and could make my mother feel happy about holding me.

[peaches100]

I can hug people I am not emotioanlly connected to. But hugging anybody I am emotionally attached to besides my h) is very scary to me.