The urge to protect and defend abusive parents

How crazy is that...but it's true. I remember sitting in session and T said to me that I had terrible parents. Grown me sat stunned and thought "who the hell are you to be telling me that, how dare you"!! Thinking to myself "they were not bad, they were my parents". He struck a nerve for sure.

Well, it took a while to process, but the further into therapy I learned that it is only natural to want to protect and defend our parents; no matter what in some cases. My siblings are still doing it and I am the outcast and the "angry" one. If they would only realize anger is natural too. Working through it is the hard part. Recognizing anger and learning how it works has been a great lesson for me. All the components involved; rage, apathy, insult, injury, desire for revenge, internalizing it, taking in out on oneself. Also, how anger is used to masked fear too....(men usually do that, cuz their not "allowed" to show fear).

Being able to understand this has helped me a lot. Thought maybe other would give it some thought.

Yes, I remember when my T asked if my stepmother had gotten her mothering license from Sears Roebuck :-) and how I was a bit taken aback. However, I was equally taken aback when my T pointed out to me that I probably had not been "easy" to raise :-)

I totally get this. I'm in the sort of early middle portion of this with my own T. And I agree, anger is natural. You sound like you are well on your way to healthy healing.

Me too, when I first heard it from t , I felt the need to defend them even with the CSa involved , why? Because I figured if anyone had the right to call them out it would be me.

Then I thought, my god she sees what I can't , she is on my side. It feels good and I deserve it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

At least in my own family, it was about the "image" portrayed and would NOT do for me to air the dirty laundry or allow others to know what was happening. Many secrets and much shame.

On Mon he had me recalling relationships and people, and then "judging" them as to whether they were negative or positive in light of which were good influences or not good. It was actually quite confusing to me in the moment. I think somehow I just always "grouped" them as one whole s***load of influences, and it was my problem or duty to put them aside and go on.

It is all a jumble, but as I recalled specific people or events, his comments were very jarring as he commented on them as he could discriminate them and I definitely could not. But it definitely brought up my hackles and need to defend or perhaps re-sweep things under the rug.

Like Sweepy said, his discrimination and maybe even "righteous anger" felt good but very foreign... It's all like a massive "cover up" at the government level of a FUBAR situation. I'm quite sure I don't make any sense at all but felt like I could hear what you were saying...
Sorry.
Wysteria Blue

I often feel very conflicted between validating that I have a right to be angry at my parents for certain things they did (or didn't do) while I was growing up -- and defending them and blaming myself instead for being such a sensitive difficult child. When I defend them, I feel depressed because it's like I am discounting my own experience as being valid and painful. But when I validate my feelings, then I feel guilty that I am being unfair and unkind toward my parents, who I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for them.

As children our survival depended on our parents. So for me I split the bad parts off and it takes years to gain a whole perspective.
I swing from protecting my mother to hating her in therapy.

You know what has really helped me work through this.....the ability I gained to understand where my parents came from. The damaged backgrounds and upbring they transferred into our family. It is amazing how it is multi-generational but can be stopped if we work at it. Many people do get stuck in the blame thing, but it really only hurts the person more. It was freeing for me to understand the root cause of my pain and abuse. This next sentence sounds like anger, but it's not...it was a cathartic act and helped me a great deal. I took all the pictures I had of my parents and some family photos, went on the patio with a match, lit them of fire, whatched them burn and turn into ashes. Very sad, but it felt relieving for me. I threw out many things my mother gave me over the years too because I learned I really never mattered to her or him afterall....the truth. They did not love any of us, they did not know how. It was not their fault. They were drowning in their own despair and we all got caught in it. So now I have the chance to admit it, change me, help me, care for me. It's so f***ing hard. An uphill battle all the way, but I'm heading in the right direction for the first time in my life. I have a chance and I am going to take it!