ramblings of a hard session

please I just want to say that how I am telling about this session my T may be sounding harsh .although she may have been blunt she was also very gentle and I think empathetic as she was talking to he about this stuff. it was a hard session and is left me going from freaking out and sleeping from exhaustion

so I went to T today and it was so hard. I woke up this morning anxious and having a panic attack .I went to a card making thing and was fine then again I was hit with anxiety and panic. know that I was feeling horrible about what she said about some stuff the whole father thing . after I gathered some courage asked her if she thought my stepfather was horrible.
she asked me why I was asking her such a thing (but didn't answer) I said because it was something I want to know. she asked what was going on. she asked something about my stepfather that I just didn't hear or it didn't make much sense. something about because he saw the roses. I didn't understand I think I was checking out even though I was trying not to .usually she just repeats when I ask this time she asked if I heard what was said and if the air conditioner was to loud I said no .she asked again if I heard what she said .again I asked about what? I was a bit confused. she said you know? I kind of raised my voice about what? she said your stepfather. all I could think about is roses and why she wanted to know about that. she said I asked about your stepfather and why you wanted to know if I thought he was horrible. I answered again that it was no big deal that I just wanted to know. she said that this was my story and that she really didn't think anything about these people but it was about me and what I thought. that was a better answer then last week. But she said she has enough evidence about the mother to safely say that she was sadistic with the things she has done to me. she said I have not talked about my farther enough to think anything ,that mostly we have talked about the mother. now that I have disclosed that there was physical evidence that I was being beat and he did nothing. I asked her why would that make a difference. she started to say it didn't but then stopped herself. it does make a difference ! it is just unfathomable that he had evidence about what was going on and did nothing . she then asked if I had maybe been dreaming about the pictures I was floored that she would ask me that . why do people not believe me when I tell them what went on. has this T not really heard it all ? am I really crazy and making this all up .it is crazy making . I felt like why bother no one ever would believe me I cant blame her.. she says it makes no sense to her at all. I just said maybe I just cant be as clear as she needs to be but that I am not lying to her .she asked if I saw the pictures. I said yes that he showed them to me when I went to live with them and was going to need to go to court. and then she asked if the mother was going to fight for custody .I said she didn't . she said the more I disclose the more difficult it was for her to take in. I don't know what to make of all this . does she believe me or not I cant tell. I think I asked her but I think I got an answer like I do believe you but.. or something like that

I tried to explain better using the comparison with my report cards and how confused I get. like I have gone my whole life believing that I was horrible at school .I was bead quite badly and punished .kept locked in my room over bad report cared etc... it made sense in my world .in steps T and tells me that they were not bad at all and sends my world in a spiral. now telling me that my farther was not what I think . it is all confusing to me and im lost over it.so I asked her if the theory that my farther was horrible because he did nothing to help. does this mean that my step farther is also horrible because he did nothing . or everyone on my good people in my life list for that matter . she said she didn't know the answer and that I was asking some hard questions like does inaction make a person bad I don't know ,what do you think . and does it make a person bad if you really care about them and they have been a source of goodness in your life. is this person horrible if they do nothing to stop the abuse but add goodness in your life. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I have come so far with my T she has actually got me to the point that I can tell her these things so she is doing something ok. but if she no longer believes me as I am disclosing more of my past how can I work with her . it is one of my worst fears. I know it is hard to believe me but I am not lying .but why should I expect anything different. it is all crazy I cant blame her and I should have never said anything . I so don't want to do this but maybe if she doesn't believe me it hurts me to much to keep going on .

I think that sometimes, you might hear what you're afraid of rather than what is really going on. You don't remember a lot about this session, and you might be mentally filling in gaps with your own assumptions.

But I do know how hard it is. It is terrifying and it is overwhelming. She has sent your world in a spiral, like you said, and you're reacting out of that. Your T is a really good T, and although it is hard to trust her, you have to.

Does she believe you? I hope so. But it actually doesn't matter to your healing whether she actually does. Some people report that their T's didn't believe them until they brought in evidence. But they were still able to improve. I personally do think she believes you, but was just double-checking your memory. Just because you dreamed it doesn't mean it didn't happen, for example. You could be dreaming about past traumatic events. So just to ask whether you dreamed about it doesn't mean she doesn't think you're telling the truth.

Now I'm questioning my father. My mother used harsh corporal punishment. My father didn't. Is he bad for allowing it, or didn't he know? Now I'm pissed at a letter my father wrote, saying the horse whips were kept locked in the saddle shed 500 metres away from the house. ****ing hell, I remember running from her in terror, and my brother too!

It doesn't really sound like she doesn't believe you as much as it sounds like she's having trouble following your story because perhaps a lot of information is missing, gaps, major pieces of the puzzle missing so it's hard to see clearly what you are trying to tell her. What is all too real and clear to you may be fuzzy and hard to piece together for her because she wasn't there and can only go on the pieces of the puzzle you let her see. So she's trying to piece it together but because it is unclear, she asks questions trying to clarify what happened.

Granite, I hope you can clarify this with your T. Our marriage counselor said something once about it being hard to believe some of things I described from my childhood and I got really angry and depressed. I cannot imagine how much worse it would feel coming from my T.

today I am feeling horrible ,alone and not feeling believed by my T why do I even try to talk to her ofr anyone for that matter it is always the same . why am I so unbelievable . maybe people just don't care enough to . I cant blame anyone for that but I don't think I want to pay for that

Hi Granite,

I can understand why you are questioning whether your t believes you. But I doubt that's what it is. When she asked you about the pictures, I think she was just trying to verify that you were sure about it. When she said she was having trouble "taking it in," I interpreted that, not as her not believing you, but as her being kind of floored by all the bad things people in your life have done to you. Like it was hard to take in. Kind of like when you read about child abuse in the paper or something. You aren't doubting it, but you just think, oh, that's awful! It's hard to take in the fact that some people can be that cruel."

The best thing would be to ask your t why she questioned the pictures, and what she meant when she said it was hard to "take it in." Then you will know for sure.

Try not to let yourself get too overwrought before you talk to her. You hae often thought your t was thinking bad things about you, and it proved to be OK after all. This is likely just another misunderstanding. I doubt she is disbelieving you.

It might be like Chris said, she just doesn't have enough pieces of the puzzle to get a good understanding of the whole picture yet.

UGH. I wish I could go with you sometime to therapy to give this woman the beat down. My guess is that she is just expressing how hard it is to take it all in, but she could certainly phrase it better. I hope you will be able to discuss it with her, Granite.

thanks for all the encouraging responses. I know I should be thinking differently about all this but I just can shake all this horrible doubt. I know that she does not believe me and I cant seem to think differentially no matter how much I try. im so down and feeling lost over all of this . I felt like this was my one chance .the one risk I could take in being able to just talk about things. it was so stupid . I know it isn't my T fault ,its really all me .I should have just kept my mouth shut . I know that would have been the right thing to do .and now im struggling with all these memories and trying to figure out what I did and what happened and is it right for me to keep seeing my T . I don't want to stop seeing her .I don't know why because I don't want to continue telling her anything. I have basically burned most bridges around seeing another T because of the last few times I quit I made appointments with other T around here and then cancelled them because I decided to keep seeing the one I have . she has helped me so much with being able to communicate better then I ever have and how to use my words instead of behaviors .but how can I avoid who I am because she doesn't believe me . and I don't even want to touch the amount of doubt I have in who I am right now

I suspect if you run your idea that she doesn't believe you by your therapist, you will once again discover that you have misread, misheard, misinterpreted what was said in your last session. Your ears have such blinders on (sorry for the mixed metaphor) that you have time and time again shut down in session because you misread something going on that you sort of refused to hear everything going on. Talk to your T about what you are thinking, and this time really hear what she has to say.

i agree granite